Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Whats is marketing? What is spam?
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's spam..
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when
You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or
what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did.
Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows
history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ... JESUS has a heart full
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.
Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa Claus
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the answer!
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
While working with Mr.Simon, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things.
Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding, and should on no account be dispensed with.
I strongly feel that Mr.Simon should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be sent away as soon as possible.
A second note following the report:
Mr.Simon was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Youths before and today...
Game play before and today...
Makeup style before and today...
Logo designs before and today...
Letters before and today...
Kamikaze before and today...
Jeans style before and today...
Hot-dogs before and today...
Hand techniques before and today...
Eggs before and today...
Dog walking styles before and today...
Dog houses before and today...
Comedians before and today...
Chess game before and today...
Cell phone games before and today...
Chernobyl before and today...
Breakfast before and today...
Body builders before and today...
Autograph signing before and today...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies".
Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
"I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"
Mrs. Jones tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the b*tches!"
High Tech Man
A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing? The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.
After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"
The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!
Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man’s head.
Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”
HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lake house and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks “What should I do?”
The taxi driver replies, "I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
Sunday, November 28, 2010
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest son came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well," the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. The father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.
His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."
The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a ten-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse! of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A groom and his newly wed wife go to the Hilton hotel on their honeymoon. They check in at the front desk, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the entire night.
The next morning, at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service.
"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom replies, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me six fried eggs, nine sausages, 12 slices of toast, and six liters of orange juice."
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"
Saturday, November 6, 2010
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 hot models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN : " How much ? "
WOMAN : " $70,000 "
MAN: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the options!"
WOMAN: "Thank you honey" Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer."
WOMAN: "They're asking $750,000."
MAN: " Go ahead and give them an offer of $700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000 because it's really what you want."
WOMAN : "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then turns and asks: "Anyone know who’s this phone belongs to?"
Saturday, October 23, 2010
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and
tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of
the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend
Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been
finding real passion with Randy and he is
so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even
with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But
it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he
wants me to have the kid and that
we can be very happy together. Even though
Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so
old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't
stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's
true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful
to me in his own way.
He wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know
how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling,
her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is
safe for me to come home. I love you!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
In Melbourne, one of the radio stations paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $3000.00.
I was due later that week for an appointment with my gynecologist when early one morning I received a phone call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my night gown, wet the wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, making sure I was presentable.
I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over to the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when he said "My we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" , but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I breathed a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, did some shopping, cleaning, the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30PM that evening, my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom asking, "Mom -- where's my wash cloth?"
I called back for her to get another one from the cabinet.
She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sheikh's Son (Nasser) goes to Germany to study. A month later, Nasser sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes , when all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son, Nasser
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Please stop embarrassing us, Forty Million Dollars transferred to your account, go and get a train for yourself too.
Tons of love, Your Dad
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've
got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment I
embraced her and then gave it my all right there
on the kitchen table.
After wards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Women are very mean.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there.
She replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Keith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
Very Happy Very Happy :D
Friday, September 3, 2010
Aloy: Why is making love so enjoyable?
PCK: Aiya, ah boy, enjoyable bcos, jus like when you dig your nose
with your finger ma!
Aloy: Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?
PCK: Of course woman lah! When you dig your nose, your nose feel
better than your finger, right?
Aloy: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
PCK: Aiya! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over
and dig your nose, you like or not? Eh? Don't pray pray ah?
Aloy: Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK: Oi!! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh? Siao ah? Use
your Blain, use your blain…
Aloy: Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making
PCK: Eh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove
on your finger or not? Not the same shiok feeling ma. Collect
Aloy: Why is making love carried out in private?
PCK: Ah boy, use your blain, use your blain. You go and dig your
nose in flont of your whole class isit? Stupid lah!
Aloy: Wah... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good?
PCK: Aiya... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shiit inside!"
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The Darwin awards are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2004.
RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
RUNNER-UP A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space for her car. Understandably, he shot her.
RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which he clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
DARWIN WINNER, 2003. When his 38-caliber Revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber William Mcford did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, '$500 Porsche! New!' The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke.........
but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage.
Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. 'Wow!' the man said, 'Can I take it for a test drive?' 'Sure,' answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, 'Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?'
Then the lady replied....with a laugh
My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche
and send me the money.''
Saturday, August 7, 2010
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
'Julia!', he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an ~censored~.'
Friday, July 16, 2010
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year old's are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him after wards. Good Luck !!!
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.