Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Funny Telephone Conversation

The following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'

Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

RS: ' Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'

G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: 'What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'

RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

G: 'What?'

RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

G: 'I don't think so.'

RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'

G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RS: 'Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RS: 'We bodder?'

G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'

RS: 'Wad! ?'

G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'

RS: 'Copy?'

G: 'Excuse me?'

RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'

RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'

G: 'Whatever you say.'

RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'

G : 'You're very welcome.'

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How Technology Changed Our Lives












We all believe this is happening at our lives because of the technology we use .... 

Monday, December 26, 2011

In Prison Vs At Work

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .
AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..


IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviours.
AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behaviours with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..
AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet .
AT WORK
you have to share .

IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Hmmm?

Which Sounds Better?
So what are you waiting for.........


Go Kill Your Boss

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Hilarious Naughty Questions and Answers

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
********************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************

Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Hilarious Jokes for Entertainment

Q. how did the blonde girl try to kill the bird?
A. she threw it off a cliff

- A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...
FRRE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! so the guy asks the barteder what the test is.

bartender replies "well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. second, there's a gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with you bare hands. third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. you gotta make things right for her. "the guy says, " well , as much as i would love the free beer, i won't do it. you have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper taquila and then get crazier from there.

well, as time goas on and the man drinks a few, he asks, " wherez zat teegeelah?"

he grabs the gallon of teguilla white both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the mmost frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. the man stagger back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"now" he says "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

- a guy named benny is sitting in a bar mounthing off that he knows everybody. so his buddy bets 10$ the next peron to walk in the bar didn't know him.

somebody walks in the bar and says "hey benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. so they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says " hey benny how ar things going?"

flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the presedident. so they drive up to the white house and security gaurd says " benny you know you can't just show up here like this." then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "hey benny how have you been?"

so then he bets $1000 he doesn't know the pope. so they take a plane down to rome and he says "ok now watch up there on that balcony i'm gonna come out there with the pope." so he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. he goes down there and says "are you that suprised that i know the pope?" he goes "no somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with benny!"

- two guys in a bar are watching the TV. there is a news report about a man who treatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. one guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". the other guy takes the bet, and the guy on tv ends up jumping. the guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. the loser says "well i saw it too buy i didn't think he would jump again"

You can find some more hilarious funny jokes here 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Letter for Passport Renewal

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1987, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For goodness sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Julie Blank, my father's name is Chris and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this ~lol~! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal bottom workin' there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a ~love~ whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some bottom to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen.

P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Steve's Attorney and his Gambling Problem

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Steve. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Steve says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Steve removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Steve says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Steve isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Steve removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Steve's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Steve asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Steve stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Steve's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Steve told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Big Bang Theory Stars in Chinese Avatar

If  "The Big Bang Theory" main stars or cast list  Johnny Galecki AKA Leonard Hofstadter, Jim Parsons AKA Sheldon Cooper, Kaley Cuoco AKA Penny, Simon Helberg AKA Howard, Kunal Nayyar AKA Rajesh Koothrappali, Melissa Rauch AKA Bernadette Rostenkowski and Mayim Bialik AKA Amy Farrah Fowler get to act in the Chinese version of  "The Big Bang Theory" AKA  "大爆炸理论" this would how they look in Chinese costumes. Enjoy the pictures...











This post is meant to be purely for entertainment, if you find it somehow unethical/abusive kindly leave a comment to remove the funny photos from this post. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Funny Christmas Song

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a Vegeterian

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Christmas is all around us, Merry Christmas 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Wall of Bubblegum in California

The wall is not a random collection of gooey gums, some people in San Luis Obispo consider the wall a form of art. One can see an array of shapes, words and designs - there are faces and flowers, fraternity and sorority letters, and "I love SLO" spelled out in different colors and sizes. A closer glance at the gum-infested wall will expose an abundance of objects, such as pennies and dimes, sticking out of the wall as eyes for gum faces.
If you are squeamish and easily disgusted, never walk along Bubblegum Alley and don’t touch the walls because lining the walls on this alley is a thick layer of over-chewed sticky bubble gums. This local tourist landmark is located in downtown San Luis Obispo, California. The wall in question is 15-foot high and stretches for 70-foot along the alley. This dude needs to get a safety mask.
Trying to find the Bubblegum which he contributed to this Bubblegum wall when he was a kid.
According to the San Luis Obispo Chamber of Commerce and Downtown Business Improvement Association, the history of who actually started this gum fiesta is a little sketchy. In any case, by the 1970s Bubblegum Alley was well under way. When shop owners complained that it was "unsanitary and disgusting", the alley underwent a full cleaning. The gum graffiti survived two full cleanings in the '70s, but when, in 1996, the BIA attempted to have another full cleaning, it was not passed.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Interesting and Funny Facts

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (Guys you wanna be pig in your next life right :) )

Cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.  (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  ( I want quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out ?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Funny Questions Funny Things To Enjoy

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has

wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Where is the cat in the catwalk?

Do models walk like cats?

Which idiot put an 's' in the word lisp?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Y2K???? maybe 1 K just wasn't enough.

If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?

Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Wonder what would be the speed of lightning if it didn't zigzag?

Why do sky divers wear helmets ?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does it wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go for "get away from it all"?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How many times do you use a disposable razor?

Why do banks charge you an 'insufficient funds' fee for money they already know you don't have?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?

If our knees bent the other way, how would a chair look like?

If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?
If you are in a vehicle going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?

When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?

Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain? 

Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?

Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?

Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

What is the speed of dark?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

I live on a one-way dead-end street. Makes sense ?

What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?

If  these funny questions and funny things are not enough for your dose of  humor, kindly enjoy funny quotes here http://itshumour.blogspot.com/2010/06/twenty-hilarious-funny-quotes.html

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Funny Cool Merry Christmas Sayings Quotes


Well, Christmas is around the corner and i guess you might like funny cool merry christmas sayings quotes which i have collected here from various sources so you can wish your friends or joke with them.  Merry Christmas !!

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning.

Santa saw your Facebook photos. You're getting clothes and a dictionary for this Christmas - Santa Claus

Dear Santa, this year all i want is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Let's try not to mix up the two like you did last year, Ok ;)

How to open the buds of Barbara branch until Christmas, so let the man open up to the next light.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

A candle can burn once and really take the time to do anything further than this

Need to make Christmas purchases in crowded stores, causing Santa claustrophobia

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids to pay for it.

The goose to the priest: "Father, please tell me the truth, is there a life after Christmas?"

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

The most difficult task of the father for Christmas:
make the children understand that he is Santa Claus, and give the woman realized that he is not.

As God's child in the crib of straw, lay the heaven has kissed the earth.

A comfortable home, a glass of wine, a good roast -. by candlelight in abundance satisfaction
! and a merry Christmas

A kind word costs nothing, and yet it is the most beautiful of all gifts .

People that buys the football tickets for three months in advance and waiting with the Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve.

Christmas time! Who speaks of victory? Is standing on it!

I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to pick it up throughout the year.
(quote from Charles Dickens)

Gift means a different type something you would prefer to retain.

Actually, Christmas is a time of peace and reflection. However, then someone came up with the idea that there must be gifts.

Christmas is a feast of friends. Unfortunately there is far too little laugh.

When Christmas bells are ringing, the devil himself is mild.

We want to wish you a saint festivals of beauty, the fairest, the best of the good!

Be together in peace, to have time for each other, give love and warmth is, each to be light,
tell each other: "It's Christmas"

I wish you a Merry Christmas with snow and starry nights - and instead of a plastic tree real
with red apples in the trees. I wish you a Merry Christmas in native walls, and dry wood to the fire for a cozy warm nest.

'The market was very quiet as most investors did not want to take a significant position before the Christmas holidays.'

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Frank McKinney Hubbard

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Monday, November 28, 2011

Chilli joke laugh out loud

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are About To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.

You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ~ Bad Word ~, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilets, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the dunny, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.

He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-~ Bad Word ~!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the toilet, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Woolies. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bas tar ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Pain of Married Men


A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in his hand.

The husband appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today” !!!!!!!!!!!

So my question is, Are you man enough to bear the pain ? :) I hope you liked this funny jokes on marriage

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving Quotes and Photos


It was the night of HAPPY THANKSGIVING, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, i tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
but i fought the temptation with all of my mighty.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I went to the kitchen flung the door open,
gazed at the refrigerator, GOODIES galore complete.

Gobbled up turkey and potatoes with butter, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so complete and so round,
"Til suddenly got off the ground.

I stumbled through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
BUT, I managed to yell as I have risen to over TREES ....
Happy eating to all - pass cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty.
May your potatoes and Sauce have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs.


Wish you all have a Wonderful Happy Thanksgiving from Its All Humor

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thirty points to note you are getting older when

I just can't drink the way I used to", replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".

06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.

About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".

All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi and Ho-Ho's

Happy hour is a nap.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You have more hair growing out of your ears than you have on your head.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You have to stop jogging for your health because your thighs rubbing together start your panty hose on fire.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thirty things to avoid hearing in surgery room

Below are thirty things to avoid hearing in surgery room, god i don't want to be in this situation ever...

The left vein's connected to the...right aorta...the left brain's connected to the..stomach bone...

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

I had a bad feeling about this case, but that tarot card reader made me feel much better.

Ah well, you win some, you lose some...

Alright everyone, let's dig in.

Alright, this is our first operation, we should set up some kind of system. Hmmm...I'm thinking we have a sort of good cop, bad cop thing going on...

Alright... today's surgery will be performed by an American doctor...

An instruction manual would have been nice.

And now presenting: "Trading Spaces: Hospital edition!"

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

At least he doesn't have brain damage... Wait... Now he does.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

I've seen his bank balance, and my recommended treatment is euthanasia.

Heehee - that was a good one. Here try this...just give his brain a poke...riiight...there...

Check the fridge... Nope, just beer.

Could you stop that thing from beating

Death is probable... Now it's certain.

Do you see that bag?... You don't want to go in there.

Doctor Hannibal Lector, please come to the operating room, Doctor Hannibal Lector...

Doesn't this remind you of that scene from Family Guy?

God performs miracles... I don't.

Don't worry, ain't nothing a little duct tape won't cure...

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Has anyone here used one of these before?

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Hey! Give that back! There's no law against drinking in the operating room...

If she doesn't last, at least this picture we took will.

Is this patient really here, or is it just my Schizophrenia?

It didn't work on that guy, let's try it with this one.

Look on the bright side, at least his wife won't have to worry about getting pregnant...


Friday, November 18, 2011

Tips for saving money at the cinema

1. Sneak inside of cinema without paying

2. Get a venom snake from the zoo or somewhere and let it loose in the cinema. That will scare everyone from there so you can just walk inside.

3. Find out which magazines print coupons for free tickets and contact people that buy those magazines and ask them to give you coupons for free

4. Scan cinema tickets from others and with little Photoshop editing make them into current valid ones


5. Pretend that you're from film industry and that you came to inspect how they're projecting movies

6. Pretend that you're the plumber or electrician and you came to fix something and then switch robes and watch the movie


7. Dig a tunnel underneath the cinema and when the lights go off you climb up

8. Date a ticket seller or projectionist and blackmail them for free pass.

9. Wait in front of the cinema when people are going out after the movie and ask someone to re-tell you the movie.


10. Come in front of the cinema just when commercials start and say to the guard that you were just in previous projection and that you left your poop in the toilet by mistake because you collect all of your poops since you were 12. When he says that it's already flushed you say that you didn't flush it because you never flush it since you keep it and make a scene. They'll let you in and send someone with you. You come to the toilet and take out rubber poop you have with you and pretend like you're getting it out of the toilet - it will freak out person guarding you to flee so you just proceed to the projecting hall and watch the movie for free.

11.  Burn the building right across the cinema because when firefighters come it will be such a commotion of people going in and out that you'll easily slip in unnoticed.

12. Kill yourself because once you become ghost you'll be able to go trough walls and be invisible. This doesn't even have to be permanent death you can stop your heart in the car just outside the cinema for two hours, just make sure someone comes to revive you.

13. Get a reel box and burst in into the cinema just when film starts shouting that you need to bring this reel to projectionist to the movie you want to see.

14. Climb on the roof of the cinema and enter trough ventilation shaft or chimney.

FYI: These tips are totally for humor purpose only for your entertainment. I came up with these things just to entertain my blog readers. I hereby do not take any responsibility if you happen to follow these tips in real life and you are solely responsible for your own deeds.  Kindly enjoy some more funny quotes and laugh out loud (lol) 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Funny Signs found around the world

In Tianjin province, China

In The United States Of America

When fuel price shot up in USA

In Myanmar

American Neighbourhood








Sunday, November 13, 2011

Top 5 Funny Omegle Conversations

Top 5 Funny Omegle Conversations, you can also try chatting yourself on http://omegle.com/ and have fun.

1. Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You just lost the game.
Stranger: you are ......
You: i’m blond, what’s your excuse?
Stranger: my excuse is that i’m not f..k..p
You: You can’t win the game
You: You just do a little better each time.
Stranger: no, you just get a little bit more ...... each time you talk about it
You: I suppose next you’ll call me gay.
Stranger: no, because i don’t use gay as an insult
You: That’s civilized
Stranger: i agree
You: I believe those who call others gay do so because they fear that they themselves are gay.
You: Makes sense?
Stranger: sometimes
You: Otherwise they’re just a simian crossbreed.
Stranger: other times they are just trying to be cool by saying it, or just say it because they hear others say it and don’t think about what the word means
You: I rest my case.
You: Those people meet all of the previously mentioned criteria.
Stranger: not necessarily
You: OH THAT’S RIGHT!
You: They’re also republican.
Stranger: but all republicans are .....
You: Precisely.
You: What is your opinion on Coldplay?
Stranger: they suck overall, but their last album wasn’t half bad, and they have the occasional good song
You: ….
You: You’re gaayy.

2. Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: do u look like pamela anderson?
You: sure
Stranger: shes not my type
Your conversational partner has disconnected. 

3. You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi im a 18 male looking for a dirty girl
You: that’s me
You: Smile
Stranger: asl
You: 17 f miami
Stranger: describe urself
You: i am fat, chubby
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

4. Stranger: hi
You: heyyy
You: do you have sence for humour?
Stranger: no
You: oh
Stranger: i don't have any sense of humour
Stranger: that's true.
You: why is that true?
Stranger: becasue people disconnect with me
You: Are you serious ? I thought sence was with a C
You: You wrote it with a S
You: so now i got to disconnect you, bye.
You have disconnected.

5. you’re now chatting with a random stranger. say hi!
stranger: hi
you: you walk into a room and see a flash what do you do?
stranger: smile
you: unable to see anything, you smiled. someone suddenly thrust something like a microphone in your hands, then walked back into the room. what you do?
stranger: speak
you: you spoke.
you: as the flash thins off, you notice several beaten down and a few dead people in the room, and a staircase going down.
you: you look at your hand and see a small blunt weapon covered in blood.
you: you started to hear police sirens. what you do?
stranger: run
you: you started running. two police officers saw you. they drew their guns and started shooting. what you do?
stranger: ninja
you: you try to ninja your way out. a bullet pierced through your forehead. h_adshot, b_tch.
you: you lost the game.
stranger: lawl

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Funny English Language Conversation

Here i present you some funny english language conversation between students and teachers ……

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls
hostel pulling cigerette... ? "

==============

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

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once Chinese teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."

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"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

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don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried  to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

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teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

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"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around

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My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Maddy, Married with two kids"

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"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and
erased the board

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"will you hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

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LIBRARIAN SCOLD ," if you will talk again, i will kneel down outside"

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us....

"My aim is to study my son and my daughter"

==============

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

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"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

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Lab assistant said this when my ..........................
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

==============

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Brief humor for entertainment

Policeman at the beach
A policeman sent his wife and children off the sea and after a he joined them.

He came to the hotel and come upon a woman.

- Oh dear, the children were in another room, we can not do it here.

- You're right, let's go to the beach.

After five minutes, the beach at sunset start passionately making love.

While the lovers' embrace, next to them they see a police officer.

- Shame on you, quickly dress, do not do such things in public.

- Excuse me - said the husband - this was a moment of weakness, we have not seen all week.

You know I am a police officer too and it would be inconvenient to charge me a penalty.

- OK, you're colleagues and you are forgiven, but h00 kers charge money because it is the third time this week!


The Three friends


The three friends agreed that it will be a surprise for his men, dressed in sadomasochisticleather outfit, heels and a black blindfold and see the reaction .... One had a spouse, loversecond, third wife. After a few days ...

- Bride: When he saw me he was furious, then looked at me lovingly, said that a woman's life andall night we made ​​love passionately!

- Mistress: When he saw me immediately grabbed me and we have to exhaustion prašili the morning!

- Wife: When he came home from work, looked at me questioningly and said - "Hey, Zorro,what's for dinner?




A Serbian and a Croatian
A Serb and Croat dies and come to St.Peter.
 Where are you guys from? - He asks them.
• Serbia.
• Croatia.
 Auuuuuu ... however you do not have anything to tell me, you are infidels, sinners, ... both go to hellOnly, the Balkans is a bit undefined area, so you have a choicewhether in the Western European or Eastern European hell?
 What is the difference?
 Well in Western European morning eat a spoon of shit, and after you are free, and Eastern European as only the food on the cans.
 I have always been oriented towards the west, I am at the West - said Croatian.
 Well, I'm not going to the West, the mother of them burn itgive East - said Serb.
And so they goyetfortunately after a year.
 Sohow is it? - Asks a Serb
 Oh, what to tell you, Eastern Europe like Eastern EuropeSometimes there is no shit, sometimes behind the truck, sometimes no trash, once you bring in these striking ... I have not ever even try ...