Monday, December 30, 2013

Christmas With Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Enjoy some more Funny Christmas quotes and sayings

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Fifty Four Year Old Woman and God : JOKE

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"



God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift, liposuction,& tummy tuck.She even changed her hair color!


Finally she was released from the hospital.



While crossing the road on her way home...


she was killed by a truck.


Arriving in front of God, she asked,"You said I had another 34 years to live. Why didn’t you save me from the truck?"


...


......


...


......


...

God replied:

"I couldn’t recognize you!"

Friday, December 27, 2013

Funny Letter to NASA

You will surely enjoy this funny letter to NASA which is written by a man with very good hilarious sense of humor..

Funny Letter to NASA
Funny letter to NASA

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Common Things Between Frog And Watermelons

There are few Common Things Between Frog And Watermelons such as

common things between frog and watermelons

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Thank You To All My Fans

thank you to all my fans

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Funny Christmas Santa Avatars Pictures

Well, Christmas is on the way ... Sharing with you some Christmas Santa Avatar or Pictures ...
I hope these high quality pictures will make your Christmas celebration more delightful ..

Resting Santa Claus

funny santa bird

funny toddler santa avatar

funny santa pub

Funny Santa with gifts

Santa bird

funny snowball santa


We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2014

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Epic Hunting Fail

Enjoy the video, Epic Hunting Fail




We wish you a Merry Christmas......

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Their Funny Facial Expressions

I am sure you will enjoy Their Funny Facial Expressions on the funny picture below

their funny facial expressions-lol

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Men Vs. Women

Picture speaks itself, lol and know how men and women react over things differently. The comic picture below is from "Friends" Tv Series...

Men Vs. Women - Friends Tv Series

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Gordon Ramsay Master Chef Humor

Mr. Gordon Ramsay is a great and well known chef for his outstanding culinary skills ...
He gave us some reason to lol ...


Monday, October 28, 2013

how to stun a level 80 warlock

No wonder girls got easy trick to get anything .. ;)

how to stun a level 80 warlock


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Superman's facial recognition scan

Superman's facial recognition scan, attack him when he least expects it...

Superman's facial recognition scan

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Funny Gym Advertisement

Funny Gym Advertisement


Funny Gym Advertisement


Saturday, October 19, 2013

Hurricanes are named after females

Hurricanes are named after females because at first they are wet and wild and in the end they take away your house and car....

Hurricanes are named after females because at first they are wet and wild and in the end they take away your house and car....

Monday, September 23, 2013

Funny Son In Law Joke

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom 
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from 
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter 
giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, 
she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" 

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, 
unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever 
get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone." 
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz 
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom 
door. Upon entering the room,he observed his 
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator

The daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, 
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever
 get to a husband.!! Please, go away and leave me alone." 

A couple days later, the wife came home from a 
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen 
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, 
of all places, the family room. She entered that area 
and observed her husband sitting on the couch, 
staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on 
the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What 
the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm 
watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Funny logic behind Fast and Furious

logic behind fast and furious
longest airport runway on fast and furious 6

If HAN died in Tokyo drift, That means fast and furious 4 and 5 was before Tokyo drift ???

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Life is short for the wrong job

A funny gag on the advancement of technologies "Life is too short for the wrong job" ... Just for your humor .. ;)

airport security check

atm machine

ice cream vending machine

jukebox

karaoke

laundry basket

coffee vending machine

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Funny Ebay Auctions on Trading System

After watching Ebay auctions that were selling Forex related materials for years, I thought I would start postings that were made by sellers.

To start off here:

The Canadian Clown has been selling his trading system from March 2008 (5 years now) and has yet to sell one. Problem is that he is selling it for $784,349.00, but the catch is that he's not giving a guarantee. I'm guessing that this guy stuck his tongue to a frozen metal flag pole for 2 years before anyone helped free him. Note to the Canadian Clown, no one is going to pay $784,349.00 for a trading system that has no guarantee. Now, if it worked and you sold it for $99, you would have sold thousands by now. I guess math is not his strong subject.

How about the Russian Con Artist that was selling his trading system for $5,000. His claim was that he made 182 trades in one hour and all were profitable. I contacted the seller and asked for a statement. I then received a statement showing all 182 trades that was made in one hour. The problem was that he then claimed they were manual trades. Do the math...3.03 in and out manual trades every minute. I magnified his statement and found how his columns on the statement were not straight which meant they were photoshop pics. He sold his system to one person that left a negative feedback and the con artist left ebay.


Hints to people looking at Ebay for trading systems

1) It the auction looks too good to be true, there is a strong chance that the seller is about to take your money and run.

2) If the seller states that he/she can't guarantee the auction item because it's not a tangible item, then don't believe it. Forex programs can be guaranteed and they know it.

3) If the seller won't give you a guarantee, don't buy it.

4) If the seller does sell you something but wants to charge you for shipping when it's an item electronically sent, tell the seller that he is in violation of ebay rules for charging shipping on items not physically shipped.

5) Always check feeback on the seller. If he has a poor rating, then use caution. Also check feedback to see if another buyer purchased the item you are looking at to see if the feedback is positive or negative. Keep in mind that you can contact the buyer to see if they were pleased with their purchased.

6) Always check google to see if others have made comments and feedback into the system.

7) If you find a trading system on ebay, use the search feature to see if someone is selling the system for a cheaper price.

8) If you see a chart for the system and it doesn't show the end on the right side of the chart, this means it's cheery picked. The seller looks for the idea conditions on a chart to show to others. This should set off an alarm to be careful

9) if the chart shown is more than a month old, this means that the seller has no idea current trading conditions to advertise. A good system should show current charts if the system was actually working properly.

10) Send a message to the seller if you have any questions before you enter an auction.

11) If you see a trading system you developed on ebay, contact ebay and make a complaint (this happens a lot). You would be surprised how many trading systems are stolen from forums and sold by morons that are failed traders and the only way to make money is to sell programs developed by others.

12) If you find an ebook that may interest you, check this forex forum (and others) and see if you can get it for free. This also applies to movies, trading systems, etc. Free is better!

13) Paypal is the best method for exchanging funds. If the seller refuses to use Paypal, this is a good indication that they were kicked off of Paypal due to fraud. There are some cases where they have applied for a Paypal account and it hasn't been approved yet or they can't use Paypal due to where they reside.

14) If you see an item you want and the price for the auction is too high, send a message to the seller and see if they will sell it to you bypassing ebay. This is done often to avoid ebay fees.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Best Famous Quotes

Best famous quotes- some of em are funny and some not funny
Famous Intelligent quotes
The person who reads too much and uses his brain too little will fall into lazy habits of thinking. —Albert Einstein

The Gun Does Not Ask Questions, It Answers Them — Unknown


Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. —André Gide

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. —Aristotle

I’d rather live with a good question than a bad answer. —Aryeh Frimer

We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong. —Bill Vaughan

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. —Blaise Pascal

Don’t ever wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it. —Cale Yarborough

An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn’t take his education too seriously. —Charles F. Kettering

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. —Christopher Hampton

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. —Cyril Connolly

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. —Dame Edna Everage

I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. —Edith Sitwell

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. —Ellen Goodman

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. —Ellen Parr

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. —Erica Jong

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. —Gordon R. Dickson

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. —Lily Tomlin

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence. —Napoleon (Hanlon’s Razor)

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. —Oscar Wilde

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. —Thomas Szasz

Those who forget the past, are condemned to relive it. — George Santayana

famous wisdom quotes
You can do anything, but not everything. —David Allen

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least. —Unknown Author

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. —Wayne Gretzky

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. —Ambrose Redmoon

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. —Gandhi

When hungry, eat your rice; when tired, close your eyes. Fools may laugh at me, but wise men will know what I mean. —Lin-Chi

The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking. —A. A. Milne

To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail. —Abraham Maslow

We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. —Aristotle

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. —Baltasar Gracian

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought. —Basho

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
—Lao-Tze

Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. —Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. —John Ruskin

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes. —Marcel Proust

Work like you don’t need money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching —Unknown Author

Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not. —Virgil Garnett Thomson

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. —Will Rogers

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. —Zig Ziglar

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.  — Groucho Marx

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Funny Random Cute Quotes

Time to chill with funny random cute quotes ...

To be free means to choose, whose slave you want to be. - Jeanne Moreau

In the city one lives for his amusement, in the country for the entertainment of others. -Wilde

Let's "Shut your mouth!" Play, you may begin. - unknown author

To wearing heavy makeup and too little for the women always a sign of desperation. - Wilde

No one is as good or as bad as it's made ??during his divorce. - Disenberg JJ

I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. -Woody Allen

Love at first sight: The most common eye disease. - Gino Cervi

Calories are tiny animals who sew the clothes overnight close. - unknown author

The cleverer give in - a sad truth: they founded the world domination of the stupid. - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

For entertainment, a party bears no one in as much as those who are not there. - Audrey Hepburn

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. About the universe, I'm not quite sure. Albert Einstein

Who is sitting in the dark lights, is a dream. - Nelly Sachs

Dear God, we thank you for nothing, and we have all paid for itself! - Bart Simpson

Nobody is as uninteresting as a person without interest. -Sir Thomas Browne

There is only one problem that is more difficult than winning friends: you get rid of. - Mark Twain

Marriage is an attempt to deal with two of the problems that we alone would never have had. - Woody Allen

In his choice of parents can not be too careful. - Paul Watzlawick

If you want to drown in an unhappy love alcohol is foolish. Because alcohol preserved. - Max Dauthendey

I'm actually quite different - I'm only too rarely do so. - Odon von Horvath

All are equal. Only the salaries are different. - unknown author

Anyway, it's better to be a little square to be nothing than a round. - Friedrich Hebbel

Half the people want to lose weight, starving the other half. - unknown author

Man consists of two parts - his brain and his body. But the body has more fun. - Woody Allen

Oktoberfest: Eye for an Eye - pitcher to pitcher. - Werner Mitsch

What count sheep to fall asleep if they want? - unknown author

The man bears the date in the bones, the woman in the face. - unknown author

The youth of today loves luxury, have bad manners and contempt for authority. They contradict their parents, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates

Yes, madam, I am drunk! Se but know wat? I'm sober tomorrow, but you will still be ugly!
original: Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will quietly be ugly. William Churchill

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Funny Bank Robbery Joke

bank robbery in action - jokes
There was this robbery in Cape Town, South Africa, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone inside the bank laid down quietly without any confrontation to the robbers.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
-------------------------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
-------------------------------------------------
When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
-------------------------------------------------

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million South African rand we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
-------------------------------------------------

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
-------------------------------------------------

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million South African rand was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million South African rand. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million South African rand, the bank manager took 80 million South African rand with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
-------------------------------------------------

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the JD Group shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Iron Man 3 2013 Quotes


Time for Iron Man 3 quotes, some of emmm are really hilarious and funny, after all Tony Stark has funny sense of humor, i'm still waiting for the movie at local cinema ....

Iron Man 3 Quotes

The Mandarin: Ladies, children, sheep... Some people call me a terrorist. I consider myself a teacher. Lesson number one: Heroes, there is no such thing.

Tony Stark: I have a lot of apologies to make... Nothing's been the same since New York. You experience things, and then they're over. I can't sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. Honestly, there's a hundred people who want to kill me. I hope I can protect the one thing I can't live without...


Tony Stark: I have a lot of apologies to make... I'm so sorry for putting you in harm's way... I'm going to find out who did this...

The Mandarin: You'll never see me coming...


Tony Stark: I'm Tony Stark. I build neat stuff, got a great girl, occasionally save the world. So why can't I sleep?

Tony Stark: [to Pepper] Things are different now, I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you.

The Mandarin: Mr Stark, today is the first day of what's left of your life.

Iron Man 3 Quotes Wallpaper

Tony Stark: We do need backup...
James Rhodes: That's your department.
Tony Stark: There's my boys..


Tony Stark: You're not a man. You're nothing more than a maniac. I'm not afraid of you. No politics here: just good old fashioned revenge!

Aldrich Killian: The whole world's gonna be watching.

The Mandarin: I'm gonna offer the choice: do you want an empty life, or a meaningful death?

Sal Kennedy: You elected me on a single platform. I will defend this country at all costs. The Mandarin must be stopped!


 Tony Stark: [suits up] You know, it's moments like these when I realize how much of a superhero I am.
Pepper Potts: Wow!


Tony Stark: I'm here on a mission: fighting back.

Tony Stark: Dads leave. No need to be such a pussy about it.


Rescue: I got you!
Tony Stark: I got you first!

The Mandarin: My soldiers are coming. NOTHING can save you!
Tony Stark: We'll see about that.

Source of Iron Man 3 quotes http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1300854/

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Funny Airport Jokes

funny airport jokes

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious and funny. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Tips on making man and woman happy

Well on the eve of Easter and April Fools day, you want to make your man or woman happy right ? Following are the tips on making it happen.
Happy Easter and April Fools Day from http://itshumour.blogspot.com

tips on making man and woman happy


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (sms messages)
5. Don't bother him with his movements

So whats so hard about that ?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT

53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentines day

*arrangements she makes.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Womens logic are funny

Women's logic are sometimes funny for men and others.. ;)

womens logic are funny

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Ebay secret language


Untested - defect

No idea if it works - The part is total scrap

Only worn once seemed hard to believe - I can not really see the part

Is too big for me - Had to finally sort out grandmas old things

Is too small for me - Over the years, one grows out of everything
Rar - Is not it in the mom-and-pop store

Collectible - Messie I collect everything

See Figure (1) Either you see the same flaws or you've just been unlucky - (2) Today I my lazy day, but has nevertheless times
Floor Fund - (1) taken for little money at the last garage sale - (2) Does not by me, the thing that I'm clean

I know it is not - know me too well so from

Used - Can you offer just barely

Ebay charges I assume - but is purely calculated in the cost of packaging

Buyer pays postage - at least!

Retail price was 100 euros - Got it for 50 but by Grabbeltisch

If I fell down during packing - Went off to me but cheap

I've Packed it two weeks ago - Should it go gradually but once the post office

Cleaned after Ebay rule - was badly needed

Here from 1 euro - My buddy's will push already high

Only 3 days - Let's see how fit the ebay control weekend

Fixed price - Every day is a Dummer

Collectible - I can not believe what you so you get into the house of promotional gifts

Only serious bids - I know that is the shit. But let but the newbies a chance to learn what

Happy bidding! - But zag zag, if you please

Brand new and boxed - Fallen from the vice

Guaranteed original - People in Hong Kong are more adept

Not available in stores - in the Bavarian Forest, the Ore Mountains and the Mecklenburg Lake District

Adult Rated 16 - 0190 TV commercial would be sharper

Fun bidder pointless - Work with Russian collection together

Delivery time: 14 days - then I hope I'm on time with ALDI in line before the store opens

Hardware box for hobbyists - Why pay those high fees at recycling yard ...?

Super Crate Mobile Accessories, NEW!, Lots, at least 25 pieces! - 2 dozen mobile phone cases from 1993

1 x worn - was my favorite part, it has not got the body, until it had to be washed but finally

Was always very happy with that part, I have always served well - until it broke

The game is really great! - If you are just switched from C64

The digicam was in all tests performed very well - was as 1 megapixel still top class

Experts know what this device can - Did not stand to look for the technical data

Information to the best knowledge and belief - I know how irresponsible I am

Suitable for decorative purposes - to the thing does nothing, but can stand it's still

Top floors Unique item - does not work, is scruffy, but there are people who are on the strangest things

Siemens S45 OVP - OVP a Siemens S45

Due to bad experiences with bidders fun ... - If one pushes here, then I am!

Was originally intended as a gift - but then I wanted to spoil the friendship

Nostalgic - Painfully look old

Restoration needy - replacing all parts necessary

Small defect - Ten experts have tried in vain to repair the part

1A - This was the primary school, in which I was enrolled

With serial number - man, did it take until I have found on the net

Very small spot goes to washing out safely - with hydrochloric

We love Top / sugary / romantic - If anybody can see pink floret on purple fabric, my little sister has a little something in child size 146, which goes through smoothly but as Standard

Top modern - Hopefully believes me something like a country bumpkin

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Elementary school students quotes


Confession of a elementary school teacher in Germany, some are really funny and hilarious ...

I am a teacher of elementary school ... sometimes it can be very hard. Here are some examples of student essays that I've collected over the last 2 years:

-The train stopped with a screech of brakes and the passengers evacuated on the platform.
- "Last week, we took a field trip to Castle Wolfenstein, the class teacher, Miss Mueller joined us at this old ruin we saw the old chipped front and rear walls ... the loopholes.."
By-state rooms, the Knights also had heated woman.
-Everyone listened, as Luther in 1642 his 95 prostheses knocked at the Castle Church in Wittenberg.
Caesar made ​​the stock fully and everyone stood at attention in his pile.
Graf Zeppelin was the first to set sail in different directions.
-The pasture is located high in the mountains. There is the shepherd, and the dairymaid. In the spring becomes distended, abortion in the fall.
-Our school used to be an orphanage. It above the entrance reminds one hewn woman front receives a boy and a girl behind.
-A Catholic sister can not escape because they have to live his life in the monastery.
-The power of water is so great that even the strongest man can not hold it.
-We went to the zoo. It was a big monkey in the cage. My uncle was also there.
-With a strong, wide beam give the firefighters from their water.
-The Minister of Agriculture gathered together the farmers, as the pigs were eating too much.
-The Red Cross is dedicated to the men and women love. Some do it for free, others get paid.
-When the hunter saw the belly of the grandmother, he knew immediately what had happened. (from Little Red Riding Hood)
-Where now stand the ruins were, once proud and damsels in distress waiting for their extended knight.
-After the men had scratched 100m, the women wrapped from her 200m breaststroke.
-The matches must be well hidden, so they get no small children.
- ... and we went with our teacher walks in the park. Opposite the park was a house where the mothers give birth to their children. A uterus looked out the window and waved joyfully.
-Spring is the first of the 4 seasons. In the spring put the chicken eggs and potato farmers.
From the pig-uncle was taken to the barn and there summarily slaughtered with grandfather.
8 days ago, my father sat a tame goldfinch on the head. This was just on my way to work.
-My sister is very sick. She takes a pill every day. But does it secretly so that my parents not to worry.
-When our dog started barking at night, my mother went out and nursed him. The neighbors would otherwise upset.
-The moon is smaller than Earth. This was partly because he's so far away.
-The captain drew his sword, and shot the assailant.
-My aunt had such severe joint pain that she could barely lift his arms over his head. With it went her legs well.
-The period of Queen Elizabeth, took 30 years.
-If my mother had not made an escapade, she was the traffic accident to the victim. But it came with a black eye at the knee.
-When the men came back, they were frozen stiff. They stood around the crackling fire and warmed their stiff limbs.
-In the Middle Ages, people were not as old as today. They had also not as heavy traffic.
-I do not like when in an old movie only dead actor to play.
-Almost all breeds were represented. For review, the owners had their dogs come before the jury, most of them waving it joyfully with the tail.
-Then came the age of enlightenment. Since the people finally learned that one does not propagating through the bee or the stork, but how the children themselves make.
-When Mozart died, one has counted all his compositions and numbered and made a list. It is called the ankle directory.
-One of the most useful animals that we possess is the pig. From it, you can use everything as the meat from front to back, the skin for leather, bristles for brushes and the name of abuse.
Organ and piano differ primarily in that the organ pipes, the larger sit.
-The St. Lawrence River is in America. It is so long and wide that it would have no place in Europe.
-A Catholic sister can not escape because they have to live his life in the monastery.
-Etna is a very active volcano. Only last year, he again had a huge erection.
-A peninsula is an island that is not quite finished.
-Now Tell hid behind a bush, pulled the trigger and the work of liberation was done.
-Many dogs like to go into the water. Some even live there forever, these are the seals.
Schiller would have ended the drama with pleasure, but working on his bride stopped him.
Last Sunday, my father came home very late. He had passed away in the city park.
The figure skater-turned her pirouettes, while her skirt lifted own wind.
-The women's equality was realized. This also applies to traffic. Here, too, it takes the same position.
-Christians wanted that to love all people, and they did so at every opportunity. However, since the Romans had something about it.
-The problem with the old people will not die although less so many. But it grow for ever new.
-Today everyone can study without having to look at the bag to his father.
-During the Thirty Years War was known as the best and toughest soldiers muscular animals.
-People were formerly not so old, even though they had less traffic.
-A circle is a round square.
-All fish lay eggs. The Russian even caviar.
Butter is made ​​from cows. Otherwise it is margarine.
-The zoo is great. As you can see animals that are not's.
-My summer resort on the Baltic Sea was lovely. When I got up in the morning in bed, there was a wonderful sight.
-At the pond was a maid and was milking a cow. In the water it was vice versa.
-The horses wore rosettes in the national colors on the head, and dishes to the tails. Each man was decorated similarly.
-My aunt gave me a piggy bank. She was a pig and had two slots. One for the front and rear paper for Harte.
-Yesterday we had youth skiing. All minutes let the teacher drive one. If in an early came out, he sent it back.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Thirty funny reasons why it's wonderful to be a man


Thirty funny reasons why it's wonderful to be a man ...

1. Phone calls only last 30 seconds.

2. For 5-day vacations you need only ONE suitcase.

3. You do not treat the sex life of your friends.

4. The queues at the toilet are 80% shorter.

5. Old friends, it does not matter whether you have increased or decreased.

6. If you are zapping through TV channels, you need not stop when you see someone crying.

7. Your org-as-ms are not faked.

8. You do not need you to hold the rock, if you go up a flight of stairs.

9. You do not go in groups to the toilet.

10. You can shower in the morning and be ready in 10 minutes.

11. During s-e-x, you must not be worried about your reputation.

12. Your underwear costs $ 20 in packs of three.

13. It makes anyone a thing when you're 34 and not married yet.

14. You can 90% of your time after getting in sex thinking.

15. You have three pairs of shoes which is more than enough.

16. You can take off your shirt easy if you feel too hot.

17. You do not clean your apartment every time company comes.

18. Auto mechanic lie to you.

19. You can spend hours watching TV with a friend without saying a word, without thinking, "he's mad at me."

20. You can sit with her ​​legs spread, without thinking about it, what you're wearing now.

21. You get more money for the same work.

22. People look you not in the hole, when you talk with them.

23. You can visit a friend, without him to take a present.

24. You can buy condoms without the seller imagines how well you look naked.

25. P0-rn movies are made ​​for YOU.

26. You that a person is not sympathetic to say, still does not mean that you can imagine not having sex with her.

27. The remote control is yours alone.

28. There is always a TV channel that runs on just sports.

29. You know just a state of mind.

30. You you do not have to shave your legs ...

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Google yourself

Sometimes Googling yourself could be a funny way to lol. Here i found a funny picture on internet about googling yourself. Characters involved in the funny photo are Jack and Tracy, Tinay Fey and Tracy Morgan who are very hilarious

Googling yourself

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Al Bundy Quotations Women and Sex

Al Bundy's quotes/quotations about women and sex, some of em are very funny and hilarious. Some are really hard ones, ladies please don't mind... Its just for humor.


Women, you can not live WITH them ... End.

Bed them, but do not wed them.

Six dollars is too much dough, to waste on a woman.

Only widowers have angels as women.

Sex gets better every time ... as long as it is not always with the same woman.

That's no lady. That's my wife!

Wife standing near, soon comes a tear.

Women, what are they good for? 2 C's: cooking and kitchen.

The women need us as much as we need them. And why? We can get it to them. Her mother and she can not imagine a battery.

As long as I do not pay for it, to me nothing is too good for my wife.

Women have it like to be staring at her like a piece of beef.

I HAVE to sleep after sex does not sleep ... I WILL! I long for the darkness.

Ah! The home shopping channel! Man! That's a good idea for women. It was always hard to go with a sofa strapped to my ass in the department stores.

If there was no beer, there were at least three people who were not married: me, Jefferson, and possibly Lisa-Marie Presley.

There is only one kind of kiss. The man stands with eyes closed before the woman and imagines it would be different.

I feel like a shipping company whose tanker has caused an environmental disaster: An unwanted effusion and I paid for it 'till the end of my life.

We all have to live with our disappointments ... I have to sleep with mine.

Coffee after sex? How will that work? How can you drink in a deep sleep?

If you want to have sex, the children must go out. If you want to have great sex, you have to go out!

If I only one of the children from marrying forbid, I have done my duty as a father.

It's okay to drive a gas-guzzlers, if you can tear it bitches.

I guess it's true what they say: You are what you marry.

I have lived, I have loved ... and later I even got married!

Christmas is not a time to repent. For this wedding days are there.

Many a time I look at my wife sitting there much like you and I think 'Go home.' Then the horror hits me. She is home. Now I'm depressed, Steve.

My driver's license has expired? Why can not run even a marriage certificate?

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Funny Baby Story

cute funny baby story

Once a baby Girl went to a shop with her mother. The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed her a bottle with sweets... And said, "Dear Child, you can take the sweets".

But the child didn't take. The shopkeeper was surprised Such a small child she is and why is she not taking the sweets from the bottle.

Again he said take the sweets. Now the mother also heard that and said, "Take the sweets dear".


Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets. He himself took the sweets and gave to the child. The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets. While returning home the Mother asked the child Why didn't you take the sweets, when the shop keeper told you to take..?
cute baby girl story


Can you guess the response: 







Child replies Mom! My hands are very small and if I take the sweets I can only take few.. But now you see when uncle gave with his big hands, How many more sweets I got! 

sweet baby story

MORAL OF THE FUNNY BABY STORY : 

When we take we may get little but when GOD gives He gives us more beyond our expectations more than what we can think of Because His blessings are more better than we can even imagine :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Funny Geek quotes sayings phrases


For all the geeks out there, do you know someone who tried to teach themselves how to read Barcode? Here is a list of Funny Geek quotes, sayings and phrases. Some of them are from Boardofwisdom who put together a nice compilation themselves.

1. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF. All my base Are belong to you — someone on SlashDot

2. There is no place like 127.0.0.1

3. Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken

4. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning

5. Computers are incredibly fast, accurate, and stupid; humans are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant; together they are powerful beyond imagination. — Albert Einstein

6. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

7. If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

8. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

9. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly

10. I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code

11. My Software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

12. The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

13. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.

14. Passwords are like underwear. You should not leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you should not loan them out to strangers

15. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

16. A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?

17. I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident. I was thinking “What the hell is this guy doing?”

18. Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button.

19. Alert! User Error. Please replace user and press any key to continue

20. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. — Weinberg’s Second Law

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Funny Math Pickup Lines


Can i explore your mean value?

Since distance equals velocity x time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

i = Ø when i am not with you

My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function

You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations.

What's your favorite linear transformation?

Your beauty defies real and complex analysis.

I wish i were a derivative so i could lie tangent to your curves.

I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

Come on baby, let's off to a decimal place i know of and i'll take you to the limit.

Let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge

Let me integrate our curves so that i can increase our volume

If i were a function you would be my asymptote - i always tend towards you.

Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.

My love is like an exponential curve. it's unbounded

My love for you is like a fractal - it goes on forever.

My love for you is like the derivative of a concave up function because it is always increasing. we're going to assume this concave up function resembles x^2 so that slopes is actually increasing.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Funny Nasty Sayings









Did you say something or has just simmering water your head?

You have legs like a deer:

Not as thin, but so hairy!

Your mother has only brought it to the world,
so the dog has something to play!

Has anyone ever told you that you look GOOD?
Then lied to you but clean!

You are more fluid than water you're useless!

Go, hide it! Tomorrow is bulky waste!

You probably have one at birth and raised three times
caught only twice ...

Did you get a picture of you?
I'll hang it on the basement door,
see also the rats so that it
and not go into the basement!

I live with many disappointments
but you must also sleep with your ...

Hey, the people at the zoo have so called flat!
Them the thing with the banana sorry they want
you back!

Believe me, no one is perfect!
DU and even more so not!

Imagination is also an education ...

How tall are you?
1.80?
I did not know,
that you can stack shit so high!

When you came into this world your father has determined
shot the stork!

He: Never listen to me someone ...
Psychiatrist: What did they say?


I am sorry for my little bad english, i hope you enjoyed funny nasty sayings on this humor blog..

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Short funny quotes


Short funny quotes for amusement and facebook status update, enjoy more on itshumour.blogspot.com

Many accidents occur in the home in the kitchen; Unfortunately, most of them come down on the table.

Character is only stubbornness, long live the gypsy.

One should not praise the mustard in a tube.

What is the gardener crocus, the plumber locus.

Students go to the cafeteria so long, until it breaks.

All that is fun is either immoral,prohibited by law or make you fat.

The first thing you lose on a slimming diet is a good mood.

The best thing about winter is that it is too cold to all to catch up the work, you are left in the summer because it was too hot.

A man with a large bank account can not be ugly.

Anyway, it's better to be a little square to be nothing than a round.

"Life is a lot like a roll of toilet paper: the closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes."

I was a beautiful baby, but then you have me mixed up in the hospital.

If I had not been born then I would have to play anyone at all.

When others think you are at the end, we must first start properly.

Youth is granted to us in order to repent of age.

You get old, to begin when people say that you look young.

The best reformers the world has ever seen are those who commence on themselves.


Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. - Irish Proverb

If no fools in the world would be, what would be the world? - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The head is round so that thoughts can change direction. - Francis Picabia

Humor is one of the best pieces of clothing that you can wear in society. - Shakespeare

Men are men in whom puberty and midlife crisis smoothly across. - Anke Engelke

Bart, you can even just hold the steering wheel? I have to scratch myself in two places! Homer Simpson
Aspirin did not do it, so I brought you some cigarettes. - Homer Simpson

The more often a stupidity is repeated, the more it gets the appearance of wisdom. - Voltaire

Marriage is the only lifelong conviction, when one can be pardoned because of poor leadership. - Alfred Hitchcock
We all live under the same sky, but we do not all have the same horizon.-  Konrad Hermann Joseph Adenauer

Natural mind can replace almost every level of education, but no formation of the natural mind. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Serenity and the senility prayer


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Retirement Bonus


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Very true

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.Sometime 15%

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:NUTS!So true

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all
week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.



Monday, January 7, 2013

Types of Women in IT classes


If you divide women in IT classes, there would be the following versions available:

The Internet-wife:
You have to pay in order to gain access to her.

The server-woman:
She is always busy when you need her.

The Windows-wife:
You know that she has a lot of mistakes, but you can not live without it.

The PowerPoint woman:
It is ideal to present them to the people celebrating.

Excel's wife:
They could say much, but you use it only for the usual 4
Basic functions.

The Word-wife:
She surprises you again and again and there is no one in the world, that she really understands.

The DOS-wife:
All they had, but no one wants now.

The back-up woman:
You think they would have everything, but when it comes down to you, you notice that there is something missing.

The Scan Disk woman:
We know that they do good, and that she only wants to help, but in the
Basically, no one knows what they really can, and if we are honest
Annoys YOU!

The screen-saver-wife:
She is really good for anything, but you like to look at them.

The Hard Disk woman:
She remembers everything, any time of day.

The e-mail woman:
Of the ten things she says, 9 are absolute nonsense.

The virus-wife:
When you least expect it, it installs in your
Apartment, taking them over. When you try to uninstall you will miss a lot of things, if you do not
do, you lose everything.

some more short funny jokes here

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Knock Knock Jokes


"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Stu!"
"Stu- who?"
"Stupid villains lose every time!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Robin!"
"Robin-who?"
"Someone is ROBIN the bank!"
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Just leave me alone!------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Howie!"
"Howie-who?"
"Howie gonna pop that zit?"

------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!" 

"Who's there?"
"Walter!"
"Walter-who?"
"Walter you gonna do about that zit?"
------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Dewey!"
"Dewey-who?"
"Dewey have to keep telling these Knock Knock jokes????"
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ach
Ach who?
God Bless You!
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
A little boy
A little boy who?
A little boy who can't reach the doorbell.
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hoo
Hoo Who?
Hey! Stop acting like an Owl!
------------------------------------------------------

How to fish

Mike sees Jake standing beside a lake with a mirror in his hand.

Mike: What are you doing?

Jake: I'm fishing.

Mike: With a mirror?

Jake: That's right. It's a new technique I discovered. I'm gonna make so much money with this.

Mike: Can you let me in on this technique of yours?

Jake: Sure, if you pay me 100 bucks.

Mike pays Jake.

Jake: Ok, here's the deal. You hold this mirror so that it faces the water. If you see a fish, scare it with the reflection off the mirror. Once it faints you just scoop it out of the water.

Mike: What a load of bull crap. You won't get any fish that way! How many did you catch?

Jake: You're the fifth one today.


After the shower

After the wife finished taking a shower, the husband is about to take a shower when the door bell rings.

After arguing for a while about who's going to answer the door, the wife yields. She wraps herself in a towel and goes to answer the door.

When she opens the door, she sees their neighbour Bob.

Before she manages to say anything, Bob tells her, "I'll give you 800 bucks if you take that towel off."

The wife thinks for a while, then she takes off her towel and stands in front of Bob fully naked. A moment later Bob pays up and leaves.

The wife, feeling confused and lucky at the same time, puts on her towel and goes upstairs.

When she returns to the bathroom, the husband asks, "Who was that at the door?"

She answered, "Oh, it's Bob next door."

To which the husband replies, "Oh good, did he return the 800 bucks that he owes me?"