Its All Humor

Ways to Come Home Drunk

2012-01-24T08:53:00.001-08:00

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes
Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the *** and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" And she acts like she's
sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!

A good thing about SOPA

2012-01-23T07:44:00.000-08:00

Recent talks on SOPA and humor on it..


While the Biebs is in jail, I have a chance to win Selena Gomez's heart...

Then you might think ..
Well he wouldn't, because they wouldn't sue him.

Different rules for different people

Funny Awesome Answers In IAS Examination

2012-01-16T00:44:00.000-08:00

Funny Awesome Answers In IAS (Indian Administrative Services) Examination

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concre...te floor without
cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
(UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23rd Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three
oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for
IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank
98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A: The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Dinner.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid (UPSC 33 Rank)

Interviewer said"I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really
difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!"The boy
thought for a while and said,"my choice is one really difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me
this.
"What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the
correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said,
"It's the DAY sir!" "How"the interviewer asked.
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult
question!"
He was selected for IIM!

Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the
master of presence of mind. This is a famous paper
written for an Oxford philosophy exam, normally requiring an
eight page essay answer and expected to be backed up with
source material, quotes and analytical reasoning. This guy wrote the
below answer and topped the exam!
* OXFORD EXAMINATION BOARD 1987* *ESSAY QUESTION*
Question: What is courage? (50 Marks)
Answer (After 7 blank pages, at the end of the
last page…): This is courage.

Hope you liked this

Top Ten Redneck Humor

2012-01-15T02:36:00.000-08:00

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb Rednecks are. I challenge any so-called smart, worldly wise people to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state of Oklahoma vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawed pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns an Oklahoma house and 3.7 acres of land in a holler in Atoka County with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope in Muskogee County on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine in McAlester operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take Wilburton, a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate, to breed a country-western singer?

Jokes about men and women

2012-01-14T01:34:00.000-08:00

I guess you will love to lol on Jokes about men and women listed below ... kindly enjoy the jokes..

Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she
respects him.

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved
her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and
now he is going thru hell.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife
wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing : "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just
watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands
are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we
will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't
keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having
trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to
speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did,
but today is the last day."

WOMEN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after
her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When
she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She
is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

MEN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

Marriage Humor In the beginning,
-- God created earth and rested. Then God created men
and rested. Then God created women. Since then, neither God nor men has rested.

Funny Magic Tricks For Kids

2012-01-10T02:25:00.000-08:00

Enjoy the funny magic tricks for kids

sex frequency formula

2012-01-07T02:38:00.000-08:00

How often the best sex?

This is probably a lot of people have had questions in mind. The U.S. scholars under the influence of age on sexuality law, summed up a 'sex frequency formula' - the age of first sexual frequency = number * 9. that is their own age, multiplied by ten digit 9, the product of ten digits from a sexual cycle is the last number of days, and was due a bit of sexual frequency.

According to the U.S. Women's Health magazine, this formula applies to adults over the age of 20, such as a 25-year-old man, his (her) sex formula for 2 * 9 = 18,18 and 8 of 10 combination, that is for him (her) sex frequency of eight times within 10 days of life, over a frequency on which too frequently, may cause discomfort.

The sex chart is below, Take a look at the chart and see if it matches with you ? ... ;)

Lost pet cat found in New York

2012-01-06T01:30:00.000-08:00

A pet cat that went missing in Colorado five years ago was found wandering in Manhattan, and will soon be sent on a plane to reunite with its former owners, an animal pound spokesman said on Wednesday.

Workers at the pet shelter traced Willow the cat back to a family in Colorado, thanks to a microchip embedded in the animal's neck that they checked with a scanner, said Richard Gentles, spokesman for Animal Care & Control of New York City.

A concerned citizen found the brown, black and white cat recently prowling the streets on the East Side of Manhattan, and the animal was taken to the shelter.

Animal care workers do not know who was taking care of the cat, but Gentles said one thing is certain - the pet did not travel half-way across the country on its own.

"The cat was in very good condition, clean, a little chunky," Gentles said. "So obviously someone was taking care of her."

Willow belongs to a Colorado family called the Squires, and the animal apparently ran away five years ago during a home renovation project, Gentles said.

The Squires could not be reached for comment late on Wednesday.

Animal Care & Control plans to soon fly the cat back to the Squires, after the animal passes a required screening test for communicable disease and to make sure it is healthy enough to travel, Gentles said.

How i learned to mind my own business

2012-01-05T02:26:00.000-08:00

I was walking past the mental hospital
the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, "13....13....13...13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but i saw a little gap in the planks, so i looked
through to see what was going on.

Some stupid idiot poked me in my eye with a sick.
Then they all started shouting, "14...14....14...14."

After this i learned a lesson to mind my own business and not to sneak around...

A scientific love letter

2012-01-02T23:35:00.000-08:00

A scientific love letter for my love at first sight

Longitude-250 22' East
Latitude-80 10'' North
Date 31/12/2011

My dear sweet heart,
Darling, i love your vztime kwhere 'v'' is some positive integer and 'z' approaches the
infinity. Darling the first time we met, you were standing 21feet above me on the balcony.
I don't want to vibrate my heart's feeling to you but i can't control my ruthless mind.Lastly,
i decide to prove the wave motion of my heart. Honey, the next time we meet we both were standing vertically on a horizontal airplane. You smile as 0.98765 you may calculate the velocity of your smile, where at the time over looking any air resistance.
You looked at me at an angle of depression 39059' and the sparkling magic rays of your eyes incident on my eyes at a critical angle,as a result rays became reflected directly to my heart the frictioness smile which you made on me made the increment in the velocity of my heart beat.
When i think abot you, my restless mind come in motion and sometimes it gets reflected on
my heart. when you smiled at me, sound water starts to flow on my mind which makes me dance in your time. i m like iron and you are my magnet. Darling my love is pure as distilled water, if you have any doubt, you can add silver nitrate solution, the liquid turns into white or copper Sulphate solution which will surely turn blue.Ok bye for now, hoping that echo from your heart will cause vibration in my eardrum.

Love you till the dooms day .....

Most difficult things to do

2012-01-02T02:04:00.000-08:00

Some most difficult things to do in the World....

1. You can't count ur hair.

2. You can't wash ur eyes with soap.

3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out
...
....
...
....
...
....
......
.......
......
.......
........
.........
..........

..............

................
...................

Now, please put your tongue back inside as other people may be watching you with your tongue out ... ;)

Ever wonder what does women do when they go to withdraw cash from ATM

A Funny Telephone Conversation

2011-12-29T01:41:00.001-08:00

The following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'

Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

RS: ' Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'

G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: 'What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'

RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

G: 'What?'

RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

G: 'I don't think so.'

RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'

G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RS: 'Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RS: 'We bodder?'

G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'

RS: 'Wad! ?'

G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'

RS: 'Copy?'

G: 'Excuse me?'

RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'

RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'

G: 'Whatever you say.'

RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'

G : 'You're very welcome.'

How Technology Changed Our Lives

2011-12-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

We all believe this is happening at our lives because of the technology we use ....

In Prison Vs At Work

2011-12-26T20:48:00.000-08:00

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .
AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..

IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviours.
AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behaviours with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..
AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet .
AT WORK
you have to share .

IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Hmmm?

Which Sounds Better?
So what are you waiting for.........

Go Kill Your Boss

Hilarious Naughty Questions and Answers

2011-12-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
********************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************

Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

Hilarious Jokes for Entertainment

2011-12-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

Q. how did the blonde girl try to kill the bird?
A. she threw it off a cliff

- A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...
FRRE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! so the guy asks the barteder what the test is.

bartender replies "well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. second, there's a gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with you bare hands. third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. you gotta make things right for her. "the guy says, " well , as much as i would love the free beer, i won't do it. you have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper taquila and then get crazier from there.

well, as time goas on and the man drinks a few, he asks, " wherez zat teegeelah?"

he grabs the gallon of teguilla white both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the mmost frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. the man stagger back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"now" he says "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

- a guy named benny is sitting in a bar mounthing off that he knows everybody. so his buddy bets 10$ the next peron to walk in the bar didn't know him.

somebody walks in the bar and says "hey benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. so they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says " hey benny how ar things going?"

flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the presedident. so they drive up to the white house and security gaurd says " benny you know you can't just show up here like this." then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "hey benny how have you been?"

so then he bets $1000 he doesn't know the pope. so they take a plane down to rome and he says "ok now watch up there on that balcony i'm gonna come out there with the pope." so he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. he goes down there and says "are you that suprised that i know the pope?" he goes "no somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with benny!"

- two guys in a bar are watching the TV. there is a news report about a man who treatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. one guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". the other guy takes the bet, and the guy on tv ends up jumping. the guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. the loser says "well i saw it too buy i didn't think he would jump again"

You can find some more hilarious funny jokes here

Letter for Passport Renewal

2011-12-21T22:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1987, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For goodness sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Julie Blank, my father's name is Chris and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this ~lol~! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal bottom workin' there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a ~love~ whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some bottom to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen.

P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

Steve's Attorney and his Gambling Problem

2011-12-18T02:04:00.000-08:00

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Steve. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Steve says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Steve removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Steve says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Steve isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Steve removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Steve's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Steve asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Steve stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Steve's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Steve told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

The Big Bang Theory Stars in Chinese Avatar

2011-12-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

If "The Big Bang Theory" main stars or cast list Johnny Galecki AKA Leonard Hofstadter, Jim Parsons AKA Sheldon Cooper, Kaley Cuoco AKA Penny, Simon Helberg AKA Howard, Kunal Nayyar AKA Rajesh Koothrappali, Melissa Rauch AKA Bernadette Rostenkowski and Mayim Bialik AKA Amy Farrah Fowler get to act in the Chinese version of "The Big Bang Theory" AKA "大爆炸理论" this would how they look in Chinese costumes. Enjoy the pictures...

This post is meant to be purely for entertainment, if you find it somehow unethical/abusive kindly leave a comment to remove the funny photos from this post.

Funny Christmas Song

2011-12-12T02:47:00.000-08:00

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a Vegeterian

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Christmas is all around us, Merry Christmas

Courtesy of http://www.minibite.com/christmas/hippo.htm

Wall of Bubblegum in California

2011-12-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

The wall is not a random collection of gooey gums, some people in San Luis Obispo consider the wall a form of art. One can see an array of shapes, words and designs - there are faces and flowers, fraternity and sorority letters, and "I love SLO" spelled out in different colors and sizes. A closer glance at the gum-infested wall will expose an abundance of objects, such as pennies and dimes, sticking out of the wall as eyes for gum faces.

If you are squeamish and easily disgusted, never walk along Bubblegum Alley and don’t touch the walls because lining the walls on this alley is a thick layer of over-chewed sticky bubble gums. This local tourist landmark is located in downtown San Luis Obispo, California. The wall in question is 15-foot high and stretches for 70-foot along the alley. This dude needs to get a safety mask.

Trying to find the Bubblegum which he contributed to this Bubblegum wall when he was a kid.

According to the San Luis Obispo Chamber of Commerce and Downtown Business Improvement Association, the history of who actually started this gum fiesta is a little sketchy. In any case, by the 1970s Bubblegum Alley was well under way. When shop owners complained that it was "unsanitary and disgusting", the alley underwent a full cleaning. The gum graffiti survived two full cleanings in the '70s, but when, in 1996, the BIA attempted to have another full cleaning, it was not passed.

Interesting and Funny Facts

2011-12-06T18:46:00.001-08:00

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (Guys you wanna be pig in your next life right :) )

Cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. ( I want quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out ?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Funny Questions Funny Things To Enjoy

2011-12-04T13:19:00.001-08:00

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has

wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Where is the cat in the catwalk?

Do models walk like cats?

Which idiot put an 's' in the word lisp?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Y2K???? maybe 1 K just wasn't enough.

If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?

Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Wonder what would be the speed of lightning if it didn't zigzag?

Why do sky divers wear helmets ?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does it wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go for "get away from it all"?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How many times do you use a disposable razor?

Why do banks charge you an 'insufficient funds' fee for money they already know you don't have?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?

If our knees bent the other way, how would a chair look like?

If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?

If you are in a vehicle going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?

When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?

Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?

Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?

Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?

Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

What is the speed of dark?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

I live on a one-way dead-end street. Makes sense ?

What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?

If these funny questions and funny things are not enough for your dose of humor, kindly enjoy funny quotes here http://itshumour.blogspot.com/2010/06/twenty-hilarious-funny-quotes.html

Funny Cool Merry Christmas Sayings Quotes

2011-12-01T07:03:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas is around the corner and i guess you might like funny cool merry christmas sayings quotes which i have collected here from various sources so you can wish your friends or joke with them. Merry Christmas !!

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning.

How to open the buds of Barbara branch until Christmas, so let the man open up to the next light.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

A candle can burn once and really take the time to do anything further than this

Need to make Christmas purchases in crowded stores, causing Santa claustrophobia

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids to pay for it.

The goose to the priest: "Father, please tell me the truth, is there a life after Christmas?"

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

The most difficult task of the father for Christmas:
make the children understand that he is Santa Claus, and give the woman realized that he is not.

As God's child in the crib of straw, lay the heaven has kissed the earth.

A comfortable home, a glass of wine, a good roast -. by candlelight in abundance satisfaction
! and a merry Christmas

A kind word costs nothing, and yet it is the most beautiful of all gifts .

People that buys the football tickets for three months in advance and waiting with the Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve.

Christmas time! Who speaks of victory? Is standing on it!

I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to pick it up throughout the year.
(quote from Charles Dickens)

Gift means a different type something you would prefer to retain.

Actually, Christmas is a time of peace and reflection. However, then someone came up with the idea that there must be gifts.

Christmas is a feast of friends. Unfortunately there is far too little laugh.

When Christmas bells are ringing, the devil himself is mild.

We want to wish you a saint festivals of beauty, the fairest, the best of the good!

Be together in peace, to have time for each other, give love and warmth is, each to be light,
tell each other: "It's Christmas"

I wish you a Merry Christmas with snow and starry nights - and instead of a plastic tree real
with red apples in the trees. I wish you a Merry Christmas in native walls, and dry wood to the fire for a cozy warm nest.

'The market was very quiet as most investors did not want to take a significant position before the Christmas holidays.'

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Frank McKinney Hubbard

A Generous Lawyer

2011-11-29T09:26:00.001-08:00

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Chilli joke laugh out loud

2011-11-28T09:57:00.001-08:00

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are About To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.

You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ~ Bad Word ~, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilets, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the dunny, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.

He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-~ Bad Word ~!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the toilet, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Woolies. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bas tar ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Pain of Married Men

2011-11-26T21:15:00.001-08:00

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in his hand.

The husband appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today” !!!!!!!!!!!

So my question is, Are you man enough to bear the pain ? :) I hope you liked this funny jokes on marriage

Happy Thanksgiving Quotes and Photos

2011-11-24T07:41:00.001-08:00

It was the night of HAPPY THANKSGIVING, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, i tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
but i fought the temptation with all of my mighty.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I went to the kitchen flung the door open,
gazed at the refrigerator, GOODIES galore complete.

Gobbled up turkey and potatoes with butter, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so complete and so round,
"Til suddenly got off the ground.

I stumbled through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
BUT, I managed to yell as I have risen to over TREES ....
Happy eating to all - pass cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty.
May your potatoes and Sauce have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs.

Wish you all have a Wonderful Happy Thanksgiving from Its All Humor

Thirty points to note you are getting older when

2011-11-23T02:30:00.000-08:00

I just can't drink the way I used to", replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".

06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.

About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".

All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi and Ho-Ho's

Happy hour is a nap.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You have more hair growing out of your ears than you have on your head.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You have to stop jogging for your health because your thighs rubbing together start your panty hose on fire.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Thirty things to avoid hearing in surgery room

2011-11-22T09:14:00.001-08:00

Below are thirty things to avoid hearing in surgery room, god i don't want to be in this situation ever...

The left vein's connected to the...right aorta...the left brain's connected to the..stomach bone...

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

I had a bad feeling about this case, but that tarot card reader made me feel much better.

Ah well, you win some, you lose some...

Alright everyone, let's dig in.

Alright, this is our first operation, we should set up some kind of system. Hmmm...I'm thinking we have a sort of good cop, bad cop thing going on...

Alright... today's surgery will be performed by an American doctor...

An instruction manual would have been nice.

And now presenting: "Trading Spaces: Hospital edition!"

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

At least he doesn't have brain damage... Wait... Now he does.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

I've seen his bank balance, and my recommended treatment is euthanasia.

Heehee - that was a good one. Here try this...just give his brain a poke...riiight...there...

Check the fridge... Nope, just beer.

Could you stop that thing from beating

Death is probable... Now it's certain.

Do you see that bag?... You don't want to go in there.

Doctor Hannibal Lector, please come to the operating room, Doctor Hannibal Lector...

Doesn't this remind you of that scene from Family Guy?

God performs miracles... I don't.

Don't worry, ain't nothing a little duct tape won't cure...

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Has anyone here used one of these before?

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Hey! Give that back! There's no law against drinking in the operating room...

If she doesn't last, at least this picture we took will.

Is this patient really here, or is it just my Schizophrenia?

It didn't work on that guy, let's try it with this one.

Look on the bright side, at least his wife won't have to worry about getting pregnant...

Tips for saving money at the cinema

2011-11-18T23:26:00.001-08:00

1. Sneak inside of cinema without paying

2. Get a venom snake from the zoo or somewhere and let it loose in the cinema. That will scare everyone from there so you can just walk inside.

3. Find out which magazines print coupons for free tickets and contact people that buy those magazines and ask them to give you coupons for free

4. Scan cinema tickets from others and with little Photoshop editing make them into current valid ones

5. Pretend that you're from film industry and that you came to inspect how they're projecting movies

6. Pretend that you're the plumber or electrician and you came to fix something and then switch robes and watch the movie

7. Dig a tunnel underneath the cinema and when the lights go off you climb up

8. Date a ticket seller or projectionist and blackmail them for free pass.

9. Wait in front of the cinema when people are going out after the movie and ask someone to re-tell you the movie.

10. Come in front of the cinema just when commercials start and say to the guard that you were just in previous projection and that you left your poop in the toilet by mistake because you collect all of your poops since you were 12. When he says that it's already flushed you say that you didn't flush it because you never flush it since you keep it and make a scene. They'll let you in and send someone with you. You come to the toilet and take out rubber poop you have with you and pretend like you're getting it out of the toilet - it will freak out person guarding you to flee so you just proceed to the projecting hall and watch the movie for free.

11. Burn the building right across the cinema because when firefighters come it will be such a commotion of people going in and out that you'll easily slip in unnoticed.

12. Kill yourself because once you become ghost you'll be able to go trough walls and be invisible. This doesn't even have to be permanent death you can stop your heart in the car just outside the cinema for two hours, just make sure someone comes to revive you.

13. Get a reel box and burst in into the cinema just when film starts shouting that you need to bring this reel to projectionist to the movie you want to see.

14. Climb on the roof of the cinema and enter trough ventilation shaft or chimney.

FYI: These tips are totally for humor purpose only for your entertainment. I came up with these things just to entertain my blog readers. I hereby do not take any responsibility if you happen to follow these tips in real life and you are solely responsible for your own deeds. Kindly enjoy some more funny quotes and laugh out loud (lol)

Funny Signs found around the world

2011-11-15T09:00:00.001-08:00

In Tianjin province, China

In The United States Of America

When fuel price shot up in USA

In Myanmar

American Neighbourhood

Top 5 Funny Omegle Conversations

2011-11-13T17:54:00.001-08:00

Top 5 Funny Omegle Conversations, you can also try chatting yourself on http://omegle.com/ and have fun.

1. Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You just lost the game.
Stranger: you are ......
You: i’m blond, what’s your excuse?
Stranger: my excuse is that i’m not f..k..p
You: You can’t win the game
You: You just do a little better each time.
Stranger: no, you just get a little bit more ...... each time you talk about it
You: I suppose next you’ll call me gay.
Stranger: no, because i don’t use gay as an insult
You: That’s civilized
Stranger: i agree
You: I believe those who call others gay do so because they fear that they themselves are gay.
You: Makes sense?
Stranger: sometimes
You: Otherwise they’re just a simian crossbreed.
Stranger: other times they are just trying to be cool by saying it, or just say it because they hear others say it and don’t think about what the word means
You: I rest my case.
You: Those people meet all of the previously mentioned criteria.
Stranger: not necessarily
You: OH THAT’S RIGHT!
You: They’re also republican.
Stranger: but all republicans are .....
You: Precisely.
You: What is your opinion on Coldplay?
Stranger: they suck overall, but their last album wasn’t half bad, and they have the occasional good song
You: ….
You: You’re gaayy.

2. Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: do u look like pamela anderson?
You: sure
Stranger: shes not my type
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

3. You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi im a 18 male looking for a dirty girl
You: that’s me
You:
Stranger: asl
You: 17 f miami
Stranger: describe urself
You: i am fat, chubby
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

4. Stranger: hi
You: heyyy
You: do you have sence for humour?
Stranger: no
You: oh
Stranger: i don't have any sense of humour
Stranger: that's true.
You: why is that true?
Stranger: becasue people disconnect with me
You: Are you serious ? I thought sence was with a C
You: You wrote it with a S
You: so now i got to disconnect you, bye.
You have disconnected.

5. you’re now chatting with a random stranger. say hi!
stranger: hi
you: you walk into a room and see a flash what do you do?
stranger: smile
you: unable to see anything, you smiled. someone suddenly thrust something like a microphone in your hands, then walked back into the room. what you do?
stranger: speak
you: you spoke.
you: as the flash thins off, you notice several beaten down and a few dead people in the room, and a staircase going down.
you: you look at your hand and see a small blunt weapon covered in blood.
you: you started to hear police sirens. what you do?
stranger: run
you: you started running. two police officers saw you. they drew their guns and started shooting. what you do?
stranger: ninja
you: you try to ninja your way out. a bullet pierced through your forehead. h_adshot, b_tch.
you: you lost the game.
stranger: lawl

Funny English Language Conversation

2011-11-10T18:32:00.001-08:00

Here i present you some funny english language conversation between students and teachers ……

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls
hostel pulling cigerette... ? "

==============

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

==============

once Chinese teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."

==============

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

==============

don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

==============

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

==============

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

==============

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around

==============
My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Maddy, Married with two kids"

==============

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and
erased the board

==============

"will you hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

==============

LIBRARIAN SCOLD ," if you will talk again, i will kneel down outside"

==============

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us....

"My aim is to study my son and my daughter"

==============

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

==============

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

==============

Lab assistant said this when my ..........................
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

==============

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Brief humor for entertainment

2011-11-08T06:10:00.000-08:00

Policeman at the beach
A policeman sent his wife and children off the sea and after a he joined them.

He came to the hotel and come upon a woman.

- Oh dear, the children were in another room, we can not do it here.

- You're right, let's go to the beach.

After five minutes, the beach at sunset start passionately making love.

While the lovers' embrace, next to them they see a police officer.

- Shame on you, quickly dress, do not do such things in public.

- Excuse me - said the husband - this was a moment of weakness, we have not seen all week.

You know I am a police officer too and it would be inconvenient to charge me a penalty.

- OK, you're colleagues and you are forgiven, but h00 kers charge money because it is the third time this week!

The Three friends

The three friends agreed that it will be a surprise for his men, dressed in sadomasochisticleather outfit, heels and a black blindfold and see the reaction .... One had a spouse, loversecond, third wife. After a few days ...

- Bride: When he saw me he was furious, then looked at me lovingly, said that a woman's life andall night we made love passionately!

- Mistress: When he saw me immediately grabbed me and we have to exhaustion prašili the morning!

- Wife: When he came home from work, looked at me questioningly and said - "Hey, Zorro,what's for dinner?

A Serbian and a Croatian
A Serb and Croat dies and come to St.. Peter.
• Where are you guys from? - He asks them.
• Serbia.
• Croatia.
• Auuuuuu ... however you do not have anything to tell me, you are infidels, sinners, ... both go to hell. Only, the Balkans is a bit undefined area, so you have a choice, whether in the Western European or Eastern European hell?
• What is the difference?
• Well in Western European morning eat a spoon of shit, and after you are free, and Eastern European as only the food on the cans.
• I have always been oriented towards the west, I am at the West - said Croatian.
• Well, I'm not going to the West, the mother of them burn it, give East - said Serb.
And so they go, yet, fortunately after a year.
• So, how is it? - Asks a Serb
• Oh, what to tell you, Eastern Europe like Eastern Europe. Sometimes there is no shit, sometimes behind the truck, sometimes no trash, once you bring in these striking ... I have not ever even try ...

Funny Quotes By Science Exam Students

2011-11-05T23:14:00.000-07:00

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL FUNNY QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS STUDENTS:

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is 
        pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the
        cow instead of the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
        them and makes them perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
        look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and
        the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
        borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
        contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

* "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
        down to make Artificial Perspiration."

* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
        above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
        nearest medical doctor."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water
        tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
        and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
        this fight."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

source of these funny quotes http://parents.berkeley.edu/jokes/science.html

Baby shark with a single eye

2011-11-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

The life imitates art. The baby shark with a single eye in the center of his face found by a fisherman in the Gulf of California was compared to the character "Mike", the animated "Monsters S / A", according to a report of the British newspaper "Sun Sun".

After rumors that the photos were fake or manipulated Mexican experts scrutinized the shark of 56 cm and confirmed that it has such a deformity, which is also found in several mammals.
Cyclops The fetus was in a female shark caught flat-headed.

Top 10 Funny Facts About Halloween

2011-11-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

1. In 2009, Halloween costumes sales exceeded 6 billion dollars. Adult Costumes accounted for 62% of sales.

2. After Christmas, Halloween is the biggest holiday commercially.

3. In America during the eighteenth century the end of the harvest was celebrated in late October, wore costumes, eating candy and playing jokes among them.

4. The celebration of Halloween dates back to 2000 years and pagan traditions.

5. The correct spelling in English for Halloween is Hallowe'en.

6. It is said that if you see a spider on Halloween it is a loved one who came to visit.

7. The tradition of wearing masks on Halloween comes from Welsh and Celtic customs which involved of the dead visit the living on October 31. The masks were intended to deceive the people and prevent recognition of the living.

8. The black and orange are traditional Halloween colors, orange represents the fall harvest and black darkness, and the black cats on Halloween got a bad reputation because it was believed that witches were subordinates who protected the powers of evil.

9. 86% of Americans decorate their homes in celebration of Halloween.

10. About 99% of pumpkins sold during the season are used to make the famous Jack O'Lantern.

Five ordinary things banned in other countries

2011-10-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Governments in every country makes its own laws and regulations that may be allowed in another country. Here is a list of some of the most natural things but banned by the government of that country, prepare to be surprised.

1. Russia - Clothing EMO Banned

The Russian government decided to put a ban on the use of clothing / fashion theme of EMO to reduce the number of suicides among teenagers. The government treats this for national stability.

2. Australia - Film with small fruits Banned

One more peculiarity is the vulgar movie banned in Australia if the female has small breasts because the impression is it looks like a minor.

3. China - Avatar in 2D format Banned

Strange is government still imposed a ban in China is boycotting movie Avatar in 2D format, because the government had reason if Avatar is suitable, only be enjoyed in 3D format. And because 3D Cinemas in China is very little, then this movie is not widespread circulation in China.

4. China - Gaming Console Banned

Most of the gaming console manufactured in china. and surprisingly, prisons in china forced the prisoners to play World Of Warcraft so that the results can be sold into real money. The reason gaming console is banned because the government feared its youth spend more time playing games than working. Although the ban is not so effective as of now.

5. China - Prohibition of Reincarnation Before Getting Permission From Government

Another strange thing, how can mereinkarnasi with prior government approval? actually the reincarnation of the god's permission or license administration?. ridiculous ..

How funny things can be

2011-10-24T03:48:00.000-07:00

The Baywatch

Lack of Ipod

Security Restraint

Level 2B or not 2B

Fashion Pants

Cheap Bear punch

Honey could you get me a picture

Ingenious Advertisement

Things changes by time at War

At original Iwo Jima

Natural .....

Paper fun

Creative Ideas to Commit Suicide

2011-10-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

Here i present you some of the creative or innovative ideas to commit suicide. Demonstration is done by a rabbit in the photos below which are very funny to watch. PLEASE NOTE THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSE ONLY, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR OUTSIDE.

If you are still not successful to commit suicide

Get Married

Funny and real t shirt slogans

2011-10-12T03:58:00.000-07:00

Funny and real t shirt slogans, feel free to print these t shirt slogans on your t shirt and impress others ;)

1. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

2. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

3. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"

4. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

5. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (for baby-size shirt)

6. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

7. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

8. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

9. "Procrastinate Now."

10. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam."

A girl's world

2011-10-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

A girl's world..!!

If a girl laughs loudly..
She is cheerful..!!

If boy laughs loudly..
Mannerless..!!

If a girl talks sweetly..
She is charming..!!

If a boy talk sweetly..
He is flirting..!!

If a girl is shopping..
She is trendy..!!

If a boy is shopping..
Wasting parents money..!!

If a girl is silent..
She is feeling sad..!!

If a boy is silent..
He is being rude..!!

If a girl walks in group..
It is a group..!!

If a boy walks in group..
Making gang and roaming..!!

Best Justin Bieber Jokes

2011-10-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

What is worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your son's bedroom?

Guess what ? Finding a box of tissues next to it.

To deal with this embarrassing Justin Bieber jokes, he crushed his Ferrari in his own Garage ;)

Funny Lawyer and Attorney Jokes

2011-09-30T22:47:00.001-07:00

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to
him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that's when I shot
the son of a bitch!

Attorney to Witness: "Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?”
Witness: “Oh, I do.”
Attorney: “How often do you cook for him?”
Witness: “We have probably one good meal a week.”
Attorney: “Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many bad meals do you
have?”

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”
The foreman answered, “Insanity.”
The D.A. said, “All twelve of you???”

A lawyer died and arrived at the gates of paradise. In his confusion, there are thousands of
the person before him in line to see St.Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk in
door and down the long line in which a lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer's hands and guided it up
the front line, and a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said: "I
mind all this attention, but why am I so special? "
St Peter replied, "Well, I added all the time in which you billed your clients, and
By my calculations, you should be about 193 years! "

Funny Photo Fun

2011-09-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

Relax and enjoy funny photo fun

- Automobile on remote

- Boat pulling a boat.

- Goose Stealing money

- Half drunk horse

- Nightmare Bus (scary one)

- The most secure garage in the world to park your Ferrari.

- This is the end of the road.

- Tiger sitting over tiger.

Cop and the butcher

2011-09-24T02:10:00.000-07:00

Cop enters the butcher shop and the butcher asks: Excuse me-please, if you have a bovine tendon, I need a wire for bass guitar. -DO NOT HAVE, but "because we are freaking me out cows for the harmonica.
How pointsman reduces clutter at the roundabout? Ode to a break.
He left a policeman with his son to Egypt and visit the museum there. Take a break by writing under which the mummy RAXV-1900-Dad, Dad, what's this? -Do not you see, the dead man ... -And what are the letters below it? -Registration of the car that ran over him ...

Cop sees a kid sitting at the kiosk and asked him: - Is "you, kid, right" and you're sitting at home on a newsstand?

Sit on the type of street next to baskets of apples with small bones. It comes and asks the cop: cop: What is that? Tip: Nothing, just bones for sale from Apple. Pandur: And what does this do? Tip: eat one, so you're smarter. Cop (after a short reflection on "Everybody tells me I'm stupid): And when's that? Type: 25 din piece. Pandur: Give one. (Dramatic pause here goes while he eats) See, for 25 din I could buy a kilo of apples, so to get 20 small bones instead of one! Tip: You see, it works! cop: You're right, give two!

Cop standing in line at the bookstore, my father's son to buy certain items for school. Come on line and salesperson asks him: - Please? - Give me a notebook and pencil to circle the third grade. -? - Well, a notebook and pencil to circle the third grade. All this from a dark corner watching his inspector. All of a sudden pop up and breach you are: - Get out you fool, do you do? Sorry, this he will no longer ... I have a globe of Yugoslavia.

Police officer asks the man in the car: What do you have the winter gear? Says the man: long pants.
Montenegrin came to the police station and bring a pillow. - "Yes, sir," said the policeman on duty. - "Behold, I have heard people mention some speed bumps and reko to sign up."
Meet the police officers at the summit! What to do, spend a lot of trial balloons for a driver alcohol intoxication? Determine that it goes much, and costs. He gets up a clever and says: - Give them to blow in kurton! Who is drunk, the will to blow, and who is sober, no! The cop went to a pharmacy and asks for condoms in 1000, and the seller will be to: - Here, so far they beat us, now going to fuck us! A grandmother said behind him: - Son, to come to the station or going from house to house?

Pedro's History Lesson

2011-09-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

Pedro's history lesson (This is the best)

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1765."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little monster! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh!t, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro - someone shouted, "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: ~censored~ Cheney 2006!

Funny side of Google Maps and interesting places

2011-09-16T03:49:00.000-07:00

Simply copy these coordinates to Google Maps and switch to satellite view and get ready to discover or find funny side of Google Maps and its ability to show interesting places.

51°21'44.46"N 7°33'28.70"E - MIG on parking lot.

33°44'50.66"N 112°37'59.09"W - Triangle in desert.

45°7'25.57"N 123°6'49.63"W - Firefox Logo (I find this one funny)

44°14'39.38"N 7°46'11.05"E - Big pink rabbit [Never saw so big rabbit ;)]

46°45'56.41"N 100°47'33.86"W - Truck in an accident

31°40'37.11"S 141°14'23.68"E - Picture in desert

32°9'1.75"N 110°49'56.57"W - Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, Tucson, Arizona

22°26'4.44"N 91°43'46.32"E - Wreck of the ship

43°58'43.41"N 15°23'4.65"E - Heart Shaped Island (The most romantic gift from Google maps)

The Farmer and attorney

2011-09-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

A farmer was arrested and accused of bestiality. Too indigent to hire an attorney, the Public
Defender comes to visit the farmer.
“So,” the farmer says, “are you any good?”
The Public Defender responds, “Well, I'm not so good at opening arguments... and I ain't so good at summations... and, well I'm not so good at anything in between.”
The farmer responds, “So what are you good at?”
The attorney responds, “Well, I'm pretty good at picking juries.”
The farmer, not having an alternative, throws his fate to the Public Defender.
The day of the trial arrives, and the farmer is being grilled by the Prosecuting Attorney.
“So, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that the goat in question is your goat?”
“Yep, she is.”
“And, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that on the day in question you were seen out in the field
doing hanky panky with your goat?”
There is silence in the courtroom, and before the farmer can answer, over in the jury box,
one juror leans over to another and whispers, “You know, a good goat will do that.”

Collection of Short Funny Jokes

2011-09-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

These collection of short funny jokes will definitely entertain you and make use of your time to laugh out loud..

Two workers take their lunch break, the first fact:
- You know Victor Hugo?
- Not
- You're wrong, you should follow the course of the evening!
The next day, always the same:
- Do you know Albert Einstein?
- No
- You're wrong, you should follow the course of the evening!
Two days later, here we go again:
- You know Karl Marx?
- No.
- You're wrong, you should follow the course of the evening!
So while the other is upset:
And you, you know John Smith?
- No??
- You're wrong, it is the one who kisses your wife while you have evening classes!

Yet another short Funny jokes

"Two mites are found in one pull, one said:
- Where are you going on holiday this year?
- At the edge of the sleeve. "

This is the story of two tourists, one French and one Italian, crossing the Sahara desert with a camel and camel driver.
After several days the lack of women is felt, and everyone dreams of the camel in its own way.
The French think: Ah, if only it were Sophie Marceau.
The Italian: Ah if only it was Sophia Loren.
And the camel: Ah if only it was the night ...

A woman goes to confession.
- My father, she said, crying, I have sinned, I have deceived my husband, I donned a SAUSAGE!
Father, very embarrassed, replied in a whisper ...
- Speak low, my daughter ... And the woman always respond by shouting.
- Yeah FROM BELOW !!!!!!

Enjoy some more funny jokes

Short joke about alligator and lawyer

2011-09-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and
says, “I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age;
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.”

Well, says the big alligator,“what have you been eating?
“Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.

“Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”

“Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch them?”
Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out,
bite them, shake the crap out of them, and eat them!

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. By the time you get done
shaking' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase.”

Funny Statuses Quotes For Facebook

2011-08-31T19:32:00.000-07:00

Here, i present you very best of Funny Statuses Quotes For Facebook which of course you can use as your Facebook status

A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome".

I feel sleepy 24x7!....what to do???

"Most people say U have changed but no 1 dares to look into you eyes and say u have compromised a lot"

Best error message of the century
An error shown by a computer:
"No keyboard found.
...Press any key to continue...."

I drink once in a blue moon but the problem is why that blue moon comes so frequently.... lol

In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers, NOW THEY DRINK LIKE THEIR FATHERS...

Some people are so useless like "AY" in the word "OKAY"!!!!!!!!

Everyone's a genius, But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid."

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember

Love doesn't require two people look at each other, but that they look together in the same direction.

“Who gets the hottest place in hell, the Priest who would take away the innocence of a child or the lawyer that would defend him?”

If I were a computer I'd shut down and reboot my life.

"A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are screwed first."

Interesting funny comments in life

2011-08-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

True love is like a pillow

You can hug when you are in trouble

You can cry on when you are in pain & You can embrace when You are happy

so when You need true love

spend $20 -Buy a pillow

Marriages are made in heaven then what are made in Hell?

Ans : the days after marriage

I wrote Your name on the sand ............ ....

it got washed away,

I wrote Your name in air......... ......... .........

it got blown away,

So i wrote Your name in my heart....... .......

I got a HEART ATTACK

Your smile can be compared to a flower

Your voice can be compared to a cuckoo

Your inocence to a child

but in stupidity

You have no comparison

You are the best

Dear Friend,

when i ask You flower,

You give me bouquet

when i ask You a stone

You give me a statue

when i ask You a feather

You give me peacock

ARE You REALLY DEAF ?

I had VODKA with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I had WHISKY with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I had RUM with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!

when i call you;

1 ring means i'm thinking of you

2 ring means i like you

3 means i miss you

4 means ...........pick the phone idiot

Teacher : Four beautiful ladies are walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence .

Student : WOW !

SMILE - is a language of love

SMILE - is a source to win hearts...

SMILE - creates greatness in Your personality

SO....

Brush Your Teeth today onwards

I hope you enjoyed these interesting funny comments in life

Defense attorney and a farmer

2011-08-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a
bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Defense Attorney: “At the scene of the accident, did you tell the officer you had never felt better in your life?”

Farmer: “That's right.”

Defense Attorney: “Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured
when my client's auto hit your wagon?”

Farmer: “When the officer arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg,
and shot him. Then he went over to roller, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him.

When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice
of words to say I've never felt better in my life.”

Politics Quotes By Popular Persons

2011-08-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

Letter from scout camp

2011-08-16T01:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Mommy & Daddy,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Veron when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Veron's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Veron in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Suyong got mad at Veron for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Veron said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Suyong gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Suyong said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Suyong is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Suyong wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Veron was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Suyong isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Suyong said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love, Johnny

The Magical Frog

2011-08-12T05:42:00.001-07:00

The magical frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the magical frog, and the magical frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The magical frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The magical frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,

"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, -she's the richest woman in the world!

The magical frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen

wholesaler in New York

2011-08-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

The story is related to a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster
Of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of honest lawyer who take
Debt collection cases for a local debtor who had refused to pay for shipping
of wholesaler's products. He sent the answer.

"Dear Sir:

"I am the postmaster of this village and acknowledged your letter. I am an honest lawyer, i
Will be pleased to accept the lawsuit against the local debtor. In this case, I also happen to be the person you sold those lousy goods to.I received your demand to pay, refused to honor it. I am also the banker whom you send the plan to draw on the merchant, and I sent it back with a note stating that merchant had refused to traders pay. And I, to replace our local church pastor for the time being, i Will say the only place where you can stick to your claim. "

Yet another Lawyer joke for your amusement :

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want
to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,”" replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it's only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”

Marriage Software Division

2011-08-05T02:39:00.000-07:00

This is what a guy wrote to systems analyst
(Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

... AND THIS IS WHAT ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1..0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1 " (Short Skirt Version)
or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES! and if everything fails, contact software maker- tech support and ask to speak to the Head of Operations - named GOD for solutions to all your wife.1 software problem.

Yours, Systems Analyst..

Transfer of Labor Pain

2011-07-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

A married couple went to the hospital for baby delivery. Upon their arrival, the doctor said the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machines that move the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they wanted to try it.

Both said they were very in favor of it.
Doctors set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
Husband was still feeling fine. The Doctor then check the blood pressure of husband and amazed at how well he is doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel well. Since the transfer of disease is obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer aLL the pain to him.

Wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic, and he left the hospital within a few hours.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch: mellow:

The Receptionist in Law Office

2011-07-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

A guy phones a law office and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist
replies, “I'm sorry but he died last week.”

The next day, he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I
told you yesterday, he died last week.”

The next day, the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the
receptionist is getting little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died
last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

A quick nap joke:

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a
good idea to leave them there.

The Employee Explanation

2011-07-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, one of the employee in an organization took 10 days Leave Without any notice. When he returned his manager asked for explanation.

The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly". The manager let it go at That.
After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his father died. Then the manager got changed. After 3 months the same pattern Repeated. And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.
After 3 months same thing again... And this time his father died. This Happened repeatedly for 2 years. At the end, Human resource manager checked his past records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"

NOW GUESS THE ANSWER...

To which the employee said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and..."

The Divorce Attorney

2011-07-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

The divorce attorney was requested to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity. His response is, "I guess you have heard, my mother is suffering from a terminal illness and her medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind, but in a wheelchair and he was to take ten different medications a day.

The divorce attorney said, my sister is an only parent of three children since her husband died without life insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wif is in a mental ward, and can not get out. My only son is in a program in rehabilitation medicine, but he left and nobody could find him.
"
Before he could recover his breath and continue with the fundraiser thought it wisest to terminate and let the poor man alone. "You are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problem. Of course we do not expect to make a contribution to the many demands on your income. "

The divorce attorney nods and answers, "Specifications - Why should I contribute to your organization when I do not even give my own family? "

Sorry for my english language, after reading this you might feel the big bucks earner attorneys like divorce attorney, attorneys in Texas and immigration attorneys are kind of not so open from heart when it comes to charity.

Think like a lawyer

2011-07-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his good students, “If you were to give
someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here's an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I would tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and
singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said
orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages
with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away
with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or
in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary
in anywise notwithstanding...”

Engineers are never worried

2011-07-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

Engineers are never worried, proved already..

Little Girl helping construction crew

2011-07-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's daughter took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
Her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
Containing ten dollars. The girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fxxxxx' sheet rock..."

Funny Marriage Jokes

2011-07-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

Relax and enjoy funny marriage jokes and lol

The husband returns home one day and tells his wife, "Hi Honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD."

"Why did you do that?, We don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife ..

And husband says "So what ... have i ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

- The dog, He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.

He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful, What should I pack for .... Europe, Asia, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself,
when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?, Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on."

The Wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Personally, i liked the second one which is very laughable for funny marriage jokes.

How to test a car crash

2011-07-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

The picture below shows the easiest way on how you can test car crash ... Yes, CAR CRASH TEST in real world ... Enjoy the picture and learn something new ... :)

Oil deposit on an Indian reservation

2011-07-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

An Indian reservation, a major oil company discovered a large oil deposit. The only
The problem was that as long as they do not drill for oil, one tribal member remained on the land. There was only one old Indian land, and his name was chief bowels.

Chief Bowels was proving to be very stubborn about moving off of his tribal lands. The
oil company offered him large sums of cash, stocks, and everything else they could think
of but the only reply he ever gave them was, “Bowels no move!”

Then the lawyers discovered a clause in the treaty that allowed them to move the old
chief off the land and into a rest home if he could no longer take care of himself.
The company sent Chief Bowels to a doctor hoping he could be shown to be an invalid.
The doctor, not knowing the situation, asked the chief what the problem was.

The chief replied, “Bowels no move!”
The doctor gave the chief some laxatives and sent him on his way. The next day the oil
company sent Chief Bowels back to the doctor, hoping for better results. The doctor
again asked the chief what the problem was.

The main answer, "Bowels still inside", so the doctor gave him some more laxatives
and sent him on his way. This cycle continues for about two weeks.

Then one day the chief showed up as usual at the doctor’s office. Again, ask your doctor
What is the problem. The chief replied, “Bowels move. Bowels have to move. Teepee
Full of crap! "

Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer

2011-07-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

Two guys, Peter and Shawn, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, Peter says, “Shawn, we better lose some altitude so we can see
where we are.”

Shawn lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
cloud cover. Peter says, “I still can't tell where we are, let’s ask that guy on the
ground.”

So, Shawn yells down to the man, “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”
The man on the ground yells back, “You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.”
Peter turns to Shawn and says, “That man must be a lawyer.”
Shawn says, “How can you tell?”

“Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”
That's the end of the joke, but for you people who are still worried about Peter and
Shawn; they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times:
“Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer.”

Complexities of women

2011-06-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Complexities of women are so complex that we can assume Girls are complex creatures on planet earth..

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard towait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man! , you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural,we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street,you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

Steal a Hacker's Computer think twice

2011-06-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

It goes without saying that you should never mess with a hacker.
Stealing a computer hacker's computer would be like stealing her children.
Want to know what happens when a hacker gets his computer stolen?
Watch this entertaining story, which was transmitted at the DEF CON.
Go directly to 3:15, and the video jump to the beginning of the story.

The Five Surgeons

2011-06-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

Five surgeons from major cities discuss, who makes the best patients to operate.
The first surgeon, from Manchester, said: "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them, everything inside is numbered "

The second surgeon, from Birmingham, said, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded. "

The third surgeon, from Edinburgh, said: "No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Belfast, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ...
those guys always understand when you have a few extra parts. "

But the fifth surgeon, from London, close all when he observed:
"You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate.
No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine and head and a s s are interchangeable. "...

Things a dad would not say to a son

2011-06-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

1. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

3. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

6. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

8. What ya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

9. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.

Meaning of WC in Switzerland

2011-06-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

An English lady visited Switzerland and had difficulty finding a room, so I asked the local teacher to help her. After a quarter had been found satisfactory, she returned home and some packing.

Suddenly, it occurred to him that he had not noticed a WC (in England, the bathroom is called Water Closet), so the teacher wrote on the toilet

The teacher, without knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided it must mean "Wayside Chapel". He wrote the following letter:

Dear Madam,

It is a pleasure to inform you that there is a WC just 9 miles from his home in the middle of a pine forest. It can accommodate 220 people and is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will undoubtedly be glad to know that some people bring their lunch and make a day of it.

I recommend especially on Thursdays, because then there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics of W.C. are excellent, even the most delicate sounds can be heard.

My son married in W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the seat. The look on their faces were very interesting.

My wife is sick, but dedicated. She does not go regularly, and that has not gone nearly a year.

I will be happy to reserve a seat on the W.C. so, in what will be seen and heard by all.

Hope that I have been of some help.

Sincerely,
The teacher

Senior citizens at play

2011-06-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Boca Raton Florida
She look up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Karz?"

Epic Ninja Defuses

2011-06-16T03:26:00.000-07:00

Ninja Defuse on Derail

Ninja Defuse on Estate

Ninja Defuse on Sub Base

Go and try and get one of these for each map and make a montage

Meaning of Sharing in Marriage

2011-06-13T02:31:00.000-07:00

Meaning of sharing in marriage...

The old man placed an order for one plain hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything in their marriage.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything in our marriage.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)

'THE TEETH'

Pictures of Super Stupidity

2011-06-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

Pictures of Super Stupidity are quite funny and looks really stupid those who performed these acts...

Add caption

Government job interview

2011-06-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

A guy goes for a Government job interview. The interviewer asks him,
"Are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two years
in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any
service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled.
During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared
me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can
hire you right now ! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10,
and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to
come at 10?"

"Well, here at the government job, we don't do anything but sit around and
scratch our ba l l s for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for
that !"

Difference Between Virgins and Non-virgins

2011-06-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

Two guys are stuck in ocean, and the one(Virgin guy) looks around and sees two islands, the closer island, is inhabited by fat women, but have plenty of food and water, the second island, about 20 times the distance of the first, is full of beautiful virgin women, all of whom have never seen a man, surrounding the second island, are great white sharks, who are waiting for something to eat.

A virgin guy says, the hell with it, i am going to the beautiful women island, and I'm gonna live happily every after...sadly, he is consumed by the sharks.

A non-virgin guy goes to the fat women island, uses the fat women as rafts, and arrives safely to the island full of beautiful women, and fornicates like its goin out of style......

This is a major difference between virgins and non virgins...

Top Ten Reasons We Love Children

2011-06-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad......'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I can't dear,' she said.
'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone,
'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Brown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane brown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Brown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

I guess these top 10 reasons are quite justified ;) we love children

The Pope and Rugby Fans

2011-05-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

The Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He
was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic
commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically
to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in
horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Springbok rugby
jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other
two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious English fan from the
water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled
it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there was some bitter hatred
between South African and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my
own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has
access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but
he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or
do we need to get another Pommie?"

Why maids want more salary

2011-05-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

A maid asked for a raise working at Mr.Stevens, she(the wife) was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a pay raise?
Mary: "Well, ma'am, there are three reasons why I want a raise.

The first is that i iron better than you. "
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: 'Your husband said. "
Wife: "Oh."

Mary: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: "Nonsense, who said that if it is a better cook than me?"
Maria: 'Your husband did. "
Wife: "Oh.

Mary: "The third reason is that I'm better at sex than in bed.
Wife: (very angry now) Ah! My husband says so? '
Maria: 'No Mam ... your driver said. "
Wife: "Ok Ok, how much do you want?"

This is an old joke and you might have read it but still its a very funny joke.

Types of Computer Viruses in Real World

2011-05-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus:Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Perhaps we should report these viruses to Symantec for fix :)

How to Cheat Death

2011-05-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

The picture below explains how to cheat death when your time comes ;) ENJOY

No Toilet Paper

2011-05-18T01:45:00.001-07:00

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Geeks Kama Sutra Modern Positions

2011-05-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Posted below are some geeks kama sutra modern positions. It may not be what you were thinking ;) enjoy the pictures...

Geeks kama sutra modern positions

Geeky kama sutra positions drawing

No giggle since 1965

2011-05-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had s e x?'

' 1965, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no s e x since 1965! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1965.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

Seeing The Psychiatrist

2011-05-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

One fine day a guy went to the Psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with
his sex life. The Psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't
seem to be getting clear picture of the problems.

Finally the Psychiatrist asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you are
having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh doctor, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this
further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once
during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw
her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Childless Couple

2011-05-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

"To blow out that candle you lit!"

I guess you pretty much liked the Childless Couple, please kindly share this LOL :) with your friends...

Speaking of Intelligence

2011-05-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

You're too stupid to lead...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $28 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

S.W.A.T. mosquitos...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy... not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway...
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

Too Well-Educated...
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Osama Bin Laden Sent Letter to Bush

2011-05-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Mrs. Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Osama Bin Laden application rejected

2011-05-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

A dream job looking after a tropical island in Australia has attracted over 14,000 applicants -- including Osama bin Laden who failed to make the shortlist.

A spokeswoman for Tourism Queensland said the group had received over 11,000 video applications since advertising the A$130,000 ($93,000) "best job in the world" as caretaker of Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef.

One of the applications was a 30-second prank video showing the world's most wanted man, with nonsense sounds dubbed over his real voice.

Using subtitles, osama bin Laden urges his case for the six-month contract, describing himself as "outgoing," "familiar with sandy areas" and experienced with "large scale event coordination."

He lists his interests as arts, crafts and renovating. Videos showing bin Laden speaking are widely available on the Internet.

A spokeswoman for Tourism Queensland said a person using osama bin Laden's identity had lodged an official application with required video that has made its way onto video sharing website YouTube, but the application has been rejected.

"While Tourism Queensland encourages people to be creative in their applications, they have to meet the selection criteria, including appropriate content, if they want to be considered for the job," said the spokeswoman.

"The 'Osama bin Laden' application was submitted via the islandreefjob.com website but it was rejected because the content was not deemed to be appropriate."

The $1.5 million "best job in the World" marketing campaign has attracted huge international interest, with applicants from 162 countries responding to the opening which closes on February 22.

Queensland's Tourism Minister Boyle acknowledges the campaign was aimed to lure visitors to the islands of the Great Barrier Reef but insists the job offer is also genuine.

The successful applicant will have the chance to live rent free on Hamilton Island for six months in an oceanfront villa, spend their time exploring the islands of the Great Barrier Reef.

FYI: This is a joke...

Use more soap and Phone Bill

2011-04-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

Chinese Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!

USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and

the man of the house called a family meeting.

On a Saturday morning after breakfast...

Father:
People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mother:
Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son:
Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid:
So!! - what is the problem??? We all use our work telephones !!!!!

A Guy thing

2011-04-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

It's a guy thing.
- There is no reason or logic, and do not feel like trying to reach no.

"Aha", "Sure, honey" or "Yes, dear."
- I am subject to an agreement, but that does not mean I'm listening.

"That's interesting, dear."
- I know you're still talking.

"Honey, do not need material things to prove our love. "
- I forgot our anniversary again.

"You know how bad my memory is. "
- I remember the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've had, but I forgot your birthday.

"Hey, I have my reasons for what I'm doing."
- It's a guy thing. (see above)

"What have I done now?"
- I hope you have not been checking my email.

"I heard you."
- I hear words coming out of his mouth, and now you can stop talking.

"No need to read the instructions."
- It's my right to do this my way and screw it on my own

Colonoscopy

2011-04-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

One fine day all the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge of the body.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,

Brain had a terrible headache,

stomach was bloated,

legs got wobbly,

eyes got watery,

and blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a s s whole is the one in charge.

Brief overview of Colonoscopy

Making a baby

2011-04-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

The Crawfords were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Crawford kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Crawford cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Crawford.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Crawford quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Crawford exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Crawford.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Crawford, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Crawford leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Crawford fainted

Dear readers, do make your babies in time :) A photographer might knock on your door :)

Sex Change Operation

2011-04-23T02:59:00.000-07:00

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Garry replied, "That's me before the sex change operation."