1. AliBaba and the forty thieves are now AliBaba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America’s third biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a Wall Street banker:
This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my wife…!!!!..
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
1. AliBaba and the forty thieves are now AliBaba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, 'Are you a little girl or a little boy?'
'I don't know,' replied the other baby giggling.
'What do you mean, you don't know?' said the first baby.
'I mean I don't know how to tell the difference,' was the reply.
'Well, I do,' said the first baby chuckling, 'I'll climb into your crib and find out.'
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
'You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy,' he said proudly.
'You're ever so clever,' cooed the baby girl, 'but how can you tell ?'
'It's quite easy really,' replied the baby boy,
'You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones.'
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Selling Of War Insurance
Mr. Kennedy was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Kennedy had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Kennedy's sales pitch. Kennedy explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was being masturbated by the nurse.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is she doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if she doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Below are some actual accident insurance claim form statements -
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,’
‘Two with meatballs, one without.’
'Send extra sauce..'