Its All Humor

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to Me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears. How much do you charge? Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor. I'll sleep on it, I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to See me about those fears you were having? He asked. Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all That money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck. Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you? He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody u...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he tho...

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom  door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from  within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter  giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked,  she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"  The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,  unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever  get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone."  The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz  coming from the other side of the closed bedroom  door. Upon entering the room,he observed his  daughter making passionate love to her vibrator .  The daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,  unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever  get to a husband.!! Please, go away and leave me alone."  A couple days later, the wife came home from a  shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen...

Kindergarten Class The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." Bluff call A couple were ...

After Accident A hunter was out enjoying a nice morning in the woods when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged ... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Chicago Sympho...

Funny Awesome Answers In IAS (Indian Administrative Services) Examination Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concre...te floor without cracking it? A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper) Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23rd Rank Opted for IFS) Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS) Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES) Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep? A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98) Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2) Q. What looks like half apple ? A: The other half. (UPSC -...

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.  'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.  'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.  'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.  'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'  2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.  Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'  'What?'  'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'  'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'  Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'  'WHAT?'  'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'  ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'  Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad......'  'WHAT!'  'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'  3. An...

Following is the IVR(Interactive Voice Response)AKA Digital Phone menu for The State Mental Hospital Would you dare to call this mental hospital after you read/hear the phone options :) i doubt. Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital . Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive , it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic , press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep or before the beep ...

Once I started receiving a set of highly interesting Anonymous Quickie Messages on a beautiful December evening, I welcome U all to the series of SMS messages that I shared with my Anonymous messenger ...!!! Anonymous : Hi Bobby.... Hwz U?Smile Me:- Hi I m 5ne. May I kno Who dis is …? Anonymous :- I m 1 f ur well wishers Dear. Hv Been Watching u 4 quite sumtime ….. Me: Hmmm ... Interesting .. Neva Knew I hav fans in this college. Which branch? Anonymous : I m into Civil Engg branch yar…U r so handsome..Bobby!! Me: Hey sweety .. tell me who u r….!!! don xcite me nymore..) Anonymous : No Yar.. nother time..nt nw. i ll feel Mbarassed…!! Bt I heard that u flunked the series test…? Me: SurprisedH Dat's Usual NAA? Neva Bothers till It happens in University Xams . Marks ld be send home yar… Anonymous : Oh That's Bad Naa? U manage wid all these things back Home…? Me:-Its so Easy Yar. Just Tell Dad that Evrythin is k.. He is damn Busy wid work n Moms Scoldings. Leave all that yar.. Ju...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv goat tae be ~Sweary~' deid" ________________________________ Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - * That's Direct Marketing .* 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - * That's Advertising .* 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - * That's Telemarketing .* 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - * T hat's Public Relations .* 5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - * Th...

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Sir Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven!!! Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!? Johnny: Because I f**king have 1 at home!!!

6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed. 6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks. 6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep. 7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button -- you turned it off. 7:01 Fall asleep again. 7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again. 7:45 Get ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria). 8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign office mate arrived earlier today must have got more work done. 8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon. 8:15 Read electronic mail. 8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today. 9:00 For jump-start: go to Pepsi machine. 9:05 Kick Pepsi m...

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic ; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you mak...

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.... Little Simpson was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors , mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Simpson down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Simpson came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Simpson was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Fi...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"