Its All Humor

I asked God to help me win the lottery and the reply was unexpected in artistic form ;)

Best famous quotes- some of em are funny and some not funny The person who reads too much and uses his brain too little will fall into lazy habits of thinking. —Albert Einstein The Gun Does Not Ask Questions, It Answers Them — Unknown Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. —André Gide It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. —Aristotle I’d rather live with a good question than a bad answer. —Aryeh Frimer We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong. —Bill Vaughan I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. —Blaise Pascal Don’t ever wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it. —Cale Yarborough An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn’t take his education too seriously. —Charles F. Kettering Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels abo...

Time to chill with funny random cute quotes ... To be free means to choose, whose slave you want to be. - Jeanne Moreau In the city one lives for his amusement, in the country for the entertainment of others. -Wilde Let's "Shut your mouth!" Play, you may begin. - unknown author To wearing heavy makeup and too little for the women always a sign of desperation. - Wilde No one is as good or as bad as it's made ??during his divorce. - Disenberg JJ I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. -Woody Allen Love at first sight: The most common eye disease. - Gino Cervi Calories are tiny animals who sew the clothes overnight close. - unknown author The cleverer give in - a sad truth: they founded the world domination of the stupid. - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach For entertainment, a party bears no one in as much as those who are not there. - Audrey Hepburn Two things are infinite: the universe and hu...

Time for Iron Man 3 quotes , some of emmm are really hilarious and funny , after all Tony Stark has funny sense of humor, i'm still waiting for the movie at local cinema .... The Mandarin: Ladies, children, sheep... Some people call me a terrorist. I consider myself a teacher. Lesson number one: Heroes, there is no such thing. Tony Stark: I have a lot of apologies to make... Nothing's been the same since New York. You experience things, and then they're over. I can't sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. Honestly, there's a hundred people who want to kill me. I hope I can protect the one thing I can't live without... Tony Stark: I have a lot of apologies to make... I'm so sorry for putting you in harm's way... I'm going to find out who did this... The Mandarin: You'll never see me coming... Tony Stark: I'm Tony Stark. I build neat stuff, got a great girl, occasionally save the world. So why can't I sleep? Tony Stark: ...

Confession of a elementary school teacher in Germany, some are really funny and hilarious ... I am a teacher of elementary school ... sometimes it can be very hard. Here are some examples of student essays that I've collected over the last 2 years: -The train stopped with a screech of brakes and the passengers evacuated on the platform. - "Last week, we took a field trip to Castle Wolfenstein, the class teacher, Miss Mueller joined us at this old ruin we saw the old chipped front and rear walls ... the loopholes.." By-state rooms, the Knights also had heated woman. -Everyone listened, as Luther in 1642 his 95 prostheses knocked at the Castle Church in Wittenberg. Caesar made ​​the stock fully and everyone stood at attention in his pile. Graf Zeppelin was the first to set sail in different directions. -The pasture is located high in the mountains. There is the shepherd, and the dairymaid. In the spring becomes distended, abortion in the fall. -Our school used ...

Thirty funny reasons why it's wonderful to be a man ... 1. Phone calls only last 30 seconds. 2. For 5-day vacations you need only ONE suitcase. 3. You do not treat the sex life of your friends. 4. The queues at the toilet are 80% shorter. 5. Old friends, it does not matter whether you have increased or decreased. 6. If you are zapping through TV channels, you need not stop when you see someone crying. 7. Your org-as-ms are not faked. 8. You do not need you to hold the rock, if you go up a flight of stairs. 9. You do not go in groups to the toilet. 10. You can shower in the morning and be ready in 10 minutes. 11. During s-e-x, you must not be worried about your reputation. 12. Your underwear costs $ 20 in packs of three. 13. It makes anyone a thing when you're 34 and not married yet. 14. You can 90% of your time after getting in sex thinking. 15. You have three pairs of shoes which is more than enough. 16. You can take off your shirt easy if you...

Can i explore your mean value? Since distance equals velocity x time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. i = Ø when i am not with you My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations. What's your favorite linear transformation? Your beauty defies real and complex analysis. I wish i were a derivative so i could lie tangent to your curves. I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity. Come on baby, let's off to a decimal place i know of and i'll take you to the limit. Let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge Let me integrate our curves so that i can increase our volume If i were a function you would be my asymptote - i always tend towards you. Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors. My love is like an exponential curve. it's unbounded My love for you i...

Short funny quotes for amusement and facebook status update, enjoy more on itshumour.blogspot.com Many accidents occur in the home in the kitchen; Unfortunately, most of them come down on the table. Character is only stubbornness, long live the gypsy. One should not praise the mustard in a tube. What is the gardener crocus, the plumber locus. Students go to the cafeteria so long, until it breaks. All that is fun is either immoral,prohibited by law or make you fat. The first thing you lose on a slimming diet is a good mood. The best thing about winter is that it is too cold to all to catch up the work, you are left in the summer because it was too hot. A man with a large bank account can not be ugly. Anyway, it's better to be a little square to be nothing than a round. "Life is a lot like a roll of toilet paper: the closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes." I was a beautiful baby, but then you have me mixed up in the hospital. If I had n...

Just recently released movie "Hunger Games" is popular and somebody has come up with the comic..

Faces of non-animated objects

Kindly enjoy cool funny sayings and quotes .. Hope is a good thing - maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies You can't deny laughter, when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. -Stephen King Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman - Anonymous I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know i am hilarious. - Anonymous There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Its just that yours is stupid. When i am reading book and someone asks what i am reading, i never answer them. I just hold up the cover for them. - Anonymous I would retaliate against your snotty remarks, but since you resemble a garden gnome, i would say the joke is on you. If ...

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (Guys you wanna be pig in your next life right :) ) Cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.  (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  ( I want quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (...

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Where is the cat in the catwalk? Do models walk like cats? Which idiot put an 's' in the word lisp? If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Y2K???? maybe 1 K just wasn't enough. If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed? Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? When you have your ...

Well, Christmas is around the corner and i guess you might like funny cool merry christmas sayings quotes which i have collected here from various sources so you can wish your friends or joke with them.   Merry Christmas !! I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning. Santa saw your Facebook photos. You're getting clothes and a dictionary for this Christmas - Santa Claus Dear Santa , this year all i want is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Let's try not to mix up the two like you did last year, Ok ;) How to open the buds of Barbara branch until Christmas, so let the man open up to the next light. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple A candle can burn once and really take the time to do anything further than this Need to make Christmas purchases in crowded stores, causin...

Funny and real t shirt slogans, feel free to print these t shirt slogans on your t shirt and impress others ;) 1. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." 2. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone." 3. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" 4. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?" 5. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (for baby-size shirt) 6. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15." 7. "Rehab Is for Quitters." 8. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" 9. "Procrastinate Now." 10. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam."

 Here, i present you very best of Funny Statuses Quotes For Facebook which of course you can use as your Facebook status A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome". I feel sleepy 24x7!....what to do??? "Most people say U have changed but no 1 dares to look into you eyes and say u have compromised a lot" Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to target today, and long story short, i think i have been promoted to assistant manager. The internet is perfect because it satisfies my desire to be alone while still getting attention from people. Best error message of the century An error shown by a computer: "No keyboard found. ...Press any key to continue...." I drink once in a blue moon but the problem is why that blue moon comes so frequently.... lol In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers, NOW THEY DRINK LIKE THEIR FATHE...

True love is like a pillow You can hug when you are in trouble You can cry on when you are in pain & You can embrace when You are happy so when You need true love spend $20 -Buy a pillow Marriages are made in heaven then what are made in Hell? Ans : the days after marriage I wrote Your name on the sand ............ .... it got washed away, I wrote Your name in air......... ......... ......... it got blown away, So i wrote Your name in my heart....... ....... I got a HEART ATTACK Your smile can be compared to a flower Your voice can be compared to a cuckoo Your inocence to a child but in stupidity You have no comparison You are the best Dear Friend, when i ask You flower, You give me bouquet when i ask You a stone You give me a statue when i ask You a feather You give me peacock ARE You REALLY DEAF ? I had VODKA with WATER I felt DRUNK I had WHISKY with WATER I felt DRUNK I had RUM with WATER I felt DRUNK I SWEAR...

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. H. L. Mencken Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. George Clooney Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. Dave Letterman Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. P. J. ORourke Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. Robert Louis Stevenson Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. (My personal favorite funny quotes ) 2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. 3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash. 5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. 7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it. 8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. 9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway. 11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. 12. Those who can't laugh at themselves ...