Its All Humor

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving ...

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that's when I shot the son of a bitch! Attorney to Witness: "Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?” Witness: “Oh, I do.” Attorney: “How often do you cook for him?” Witness: “We have probably one good meal a week.” Attorney: “Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many bad meals do you have?” The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this m...

A farmer was arrested and accused of bestiality. Too indigent to hire an attorney, the Public Defender comes to visit the farmer. “So,” the farmer says, “are you any good?” The Public Defender responds, “Well, I'm not so good at opening arguments... and I ain't so good at summations... and, well I'm not so good at anything in between.” The farmer responds, “So what are you good at?” The attorney responds, “Well, I'm pretty good at picking juries.” The farmer, not having an alternative, throws his fate to the Public Defender. The day of the trial arrives, and the farmer is being grilled by the Prosecuting Attorney. “So, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that the goat in question is your goat?” “Yep, she is.” “And, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that on the day in question you were seen out in the field doing hanky panky  with your goat?” There is silence in the courtroom, and before the farmer can answer, over in the jury box, one juror leans over to another an...

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.” Well, says the big alligator,“what have you been eating? “Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator. “Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch them?” “Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.” “Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch them?” Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite them, shake the crap out of them, and eat them! “Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. By the time you get done shaking' the crap out of a lawyer , there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase.”

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim . It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Defense Attorney : “At the scene of the accident , did you tell the officer you had never felt better in your life?” Farmer : “That's right.” Defense Attorney : “Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?” Farmer: “When the officer arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to roller, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.”

The story is related to a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster Of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of honest lawyer who take Debt collection cases for a local debtor who had refused to pay for shipping of wholesaler's products. He sent the answer. "Dear Sir: "I am the postmaster of this village and acknowledged your letter. I am an honest lawyer, i Will be pleased to accept the lawsuit against the local debtor. In this case, I also happen to be the person you sold those lousy goods to.I received your demand to pay, refused to honor it. I am also the banker whom you send the plan to draw on  the merchant, and I sent it back with a note stating that merchant had refused to traders pay. And I, to replace our local church pastor for the time being, i Will say the only place where you can stick to your claim. " Yet another Lawyer joke for your amusement : A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and ...

A guy phones a law office and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist replies, “I'm sorry but he died last week.” The next day, he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.” The next day, the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting  little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?” The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.” A quick nap joke: If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.

The divorce attorney was requested to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity . His response is, "I guess you have heard, my mother is suffering from a terminal illness and her medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind, but in a wheelchair and he was to take ten different medications a day. The divorce attorney said, my sister is an only parent of three children since her husband died without life insurance . She has no college and scrubs floors for a living while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wif is in a mental ward, and can not get out. My only son is in a program in rehabilitation medicine, but he left and nobody could find him. " Before he could recover his breath and continue with the fundraiser thought it wisest to terminate and let the poor man alone. "You are correct, sir. I had no idea of ​​your problem. Of course we do not expect to make a contribution to the many demands on your i...

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his good students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here's an orange.” The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer !” The student then replied, “Okay. I would tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...”

An Indian reservation, a major oil company discovered a large oil deposit. The only The problem was that as long as they do not drill for oil, one tribal member  remained on the land. There was only one old Indian land, and his name was chief bowels. Chief Bowels was proving to be very stubborn about moving off of his tribal lands. The oil company offered him large sums of cash, stocks, and everything else they could think of but the only reply he ever gave them was, “Bowels no move!” Then the lawyers discovered a clause in the treaty that allowed them to move the old chief off the land and into a rest home if he could no longer take care of himself. The company sent Chief Bowels to a doctor hoping he could be shown to be an invalid. The doctor, not knowing the situation, asked the chief what the problem was. The chief replied, “Bowels no move!” The doctor gave the chief some laxatives and sent him on his way. The next day the oil company sent Chief Bowels back to th...

Two guys, Peter and Shawn, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, Peter says, “Shawn, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.” Shawn lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. Peter says, “I still can't tell where we are, let’s ask that guy on the ground.” So, Shawn yells down to the man, “Hey, could you tell us where we are?” The man on the ground yells back, “You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.” Peter turns to Shawn and says, “That man must be a lawyer .” Shawn says, “How can you tell?” “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.” That's the end of the joke, but for you people who are still worried about Peter and Shawn; they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: “Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer.”

Corporate Lesson 1: A priest offered a nun a lift. He got up and crossed her legs, forcing her habit as well as revealing a priest well-formed leg.The almost had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand your thigh. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he slipped his hand up her thigh again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129!" The priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Upon arrival at the convent, the nun went on. On arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look for Psalm 129. He said: "Go out and look above, is the glory." Moral of the story: If you are knowledgeable in their work, you might miss a great opportunity. Corporate Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. Rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I usually grant three wishe...

April Fools Day and Little Old Lady in court..... Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing ...

The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to their Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bite...

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in ...

Three women: one engaged, one a mistress and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice , mega stilettos , mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a b...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM. ( NAME: George Ballmun DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PR...

Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, bullet Astronomically, it tells me th...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving h...

A newly wed couple went to their lawyer to get themselves a divorce.. The lawyer wondered why they want a divorce when they are both good looking & newly wed... So he took both of them into 2 separate rooms & asked them the reason for the divorce... First with the woman... "I wanted this =========> ...at least this =====> ...but what is this => .....!!!" Then with the man..... "I wanted this () ....atleast this ( ) ... but what is this ( ) ....!!!"