Its All Humor

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim . It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Defense Attorney : “At the scene of the accident , did you tell the officer you had never felt better in your life?” Farmer : “That's right.” Defense Attorney : “Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?” Farmer: “When the officer arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to roller, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.”

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Three women: one engaged, one a mistress and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice , mega stilettos , mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a b...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon . As she lay her pet on the table, The veterinary surgeon pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest . After a moment or two, The veterinary surgeon shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The veterinary surgeon rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever . As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at The veterinary surgeon with sad eyes and shook his head. The veterinary surgeon...

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I l...

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming In pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a Bee." DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it." MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles Away by now." DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream On the place you were stung." MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was Sitting under a tree" DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which Part of your body did that bee sting." MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee Stung me on my finger and it really hurts" DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?" MAN (innocently ): "How may I to know? All bees looks Same to me."

Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, bullet Astronomically, it tells me th...

An MBA(Management in Business Administration) and a CA(Chartered Accountant) go on a camping trip , set up their tent ,and fell asleep. Some hours later, the CA(Chartered Accountant) wakes his MBA(Management in Business Administration) friend and says "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars." The CA asks, "What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute. " Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically , it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically , it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically , it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" The CA(Chartered Accountant) is silent for a momen...

The U.S. government in coalition with several major European countries, announced at a press conference newly danger of absorption of gum. The FDA first learned of this problem after one of their staff attended Pilates class. If you or someone you know and do not chew gum, pilates, be sure to arrange this for them! What would You Think?

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'No charge, 'he says. 'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Ho...

President Obama's New Health Care Plan Virtually every professional discipline within the American Medical Association's membership has decided to weigh in on the new health care plan being developed by President Obama's team, with varying thoughts and recommendations. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to totally wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said,...

Mr.Harry and his wife were undergoing hard financial times . Having suffered a lot, they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got any sorta question, I'll be parked around the corner." So, off she goes and starts waiting.She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops his HUGE...... She stares at IT for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this ...

A guy walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer . He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so he hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce . The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan . The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the guy for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the guy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out...

NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUT...

Selling Of War Insurance Mr. Kennedy was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Kennedy had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Kennedy's sales pitch. Kennedy explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first? Health Insurance A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a m...