Its All Humor

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he tho...

Application for night out - MEN Application for night out - WOMEN

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a st...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?" God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift, liposuction,& tummy tuck.She even changed her hair color! Finally she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home... she was killed by a truck. Arriving in front of God, she asked,"You said I had another 34 years to live. Why didn’t you save me from the truck?" ... ...... ... ...... ... God replied: "I couldn’t recognize you!"

There was this robbery in Cape Town, South Africa, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you". Everyone inside the bank laid down quietly without any confrontation to the robbers. This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking". ------------------------------------------------- One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!" This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!" ------------------------------------------------- When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!...

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm ...

Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Very true Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.Sometime 15% Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question:Why do retirees count pennies? Answer:They are the only ones who have the time. Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer:NUTS!So true Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retire...

"Knock-Knock!" "Who's there?" "Stu!" "Stu- who?" "Stupid villains lose every time!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Knock-Knock!" "Who's there?" "Robin!" "Robin-who?" "Someone is ROBIN the bank!" ------------------------------------------------------ Knock Knock Who's there? Knock Knock Who's there?? Knock Knock Who's there?? Just leave me alone!------------------------------------------------------ "Knock-Knock!" "Who's there?" "Howie!" "Howie-who?" "Howie gonna pop that zit?" ------------------------------------------------------ "Knock-Knock!"  "Who's there?" "Walter!" "Walter-who?" "Walter you gonna do about that zit?" ------------------------------------------------------ "Knock-K...

Kindergarten Class The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." Bluff call A couple were ...

Short hilarious humor jokes  for your sole entertainment... Virgin Mary and Harry Harry dies.  Mike calls heaven to find out if he's reached. A lady picks up phone: Hello this is Virgin Mary speaking. Mike disconnects & calls again after 1 hr: Hello, this is Mary speaking Mike sighs: Thank God, He's REACHED! =)) Burglar at Police station A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" Husband and wife joke A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his w...