Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
REPORTED BY CNB
Michael Jackson died of food poisoning after eating 10 year old nuts.
Try to get the joke. Smile
By the way, I got this message from a friend of mine and I passed it on to everyone else. Pass it on!
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road
with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policeman's
He replied, 'NewZealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Mrs. Sheila ?
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Monday, June 22, 2009
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Coolangatta . I want to thank you for flying with us today and
hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatchha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'
1. Oral $ex is illegal in 18 states, including Arizona.
2. In Virginia, it is illegal to have sex with the lights on.
3. It is illegal for husbands in Willowdale, Oregon, to talk dirty during int3rcourse.
4. Sexual lnt3rcourse between unmarried couples is illegal in Georgia.
5. Engaging in any sexual position other than mission@ry is illegal Washington, DC.
6. In Connorsville, Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner is having an 0rg@sm.
7. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
8. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal in Florida.
9. It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin before the age of 65.
10. Sex with animals is perfectly legal for men in Washington state, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
> **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
> ** ' Hello? ' **
> ** ' Hi honey.**
> **This is Daddy.**
> **Is Mommy near the phone? ' **
> ** ' No, Daddy.**
> **She ' s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. ' **
> **After a brief pause,**
> **Daddy says,**
> ** ' But honey, you haven ' t got an Uncle Paul. ' **
> ** ' Oh yes I do, and he ' s upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
> **Right now. ' **
> Brief Pause.
> ** ' Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
> **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
> **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
> **That Daddy ' s car just pulled into the driveway. ' **
> ** ' Okay, Daddy, Just a minute. ' **
> **A few minutes later**
> **The little girl comes back to the phone.**
> ** ' I did it, Daddy. ' **
> ** ' And what happened, honey? ' **
> ' Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
> around screaming.**
> **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
> **And now she isn ' t moving at all! ' **
> ** ' Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul? ' **
> ** ' He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
> **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
> **And into the swimming pool.**
> **But I guess he didn ' t know that you took out the water**
> **Last week to clean it.**
> **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he ' s dead. ' **
> *****Long Pause*****
> *****Longer Pause*****
> *****Even Longer Pause*****
> **Then Daddy says,**
> ** ' Swimming pool? ............**
> **Is this 486-5731? ' *
> **Aaaaaaaaa No, I think you have the wrong number Uncle.........
1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship
2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain
3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"
4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip
5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson
6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.
And last but not least
7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
the revolution begins;
Our communication: Wireless
Our dress: Topless
Our telephone: Cordless
Our cooking: Fireless
Our youth: Jobless
Our food: Fatless
Our labour: Effortless
Our conduct: Worthless
Our relation: Loveless
Our attitude: Careless
Our feelings: Heartless
Our politics: Shameless
Our education: Valueless
Our follies: Countless
Our arguments: Baseless
Our boss: Brainless
Our Job: Thankless
Our Salary: Very LESS
Monday, June 15, 2009
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is
0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
National Library last week
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much
will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some
cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
limit on machine withdrawal
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How
long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world
into three categories: animal; mineral; and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the
periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain.? Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best, feel-good food around!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
TEAM A: includes members whose usernames start with
A C E G I K M O Q S U V W
TEAM B: includes members whose usernames start with
B D F H J L N P R T X Y Z
First Represent Your Team
Team A members has to Add(+) 10 from the previous post
Team B members has to Subtract(-) 10 from the previous post
If the score reaches 1,000. Team A is the Winner
If the score reaches 0. Team B is the Winner
500 is the Starting Number of the Game
A Single person can not post consecutively
Names starting with numbers can join Team A and symbols can join team B
I'm In Team A
Friday, June 12, 2009
This IS amazing!
Have fun with this!
FOLLOW THE RULES AND SCROLL DOWN
REALLY SLOWLY AND DON'T CHEAT!!!!
SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY !!!!!!!!!!
SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY !!!!!!!!!!
SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY !!!!!!!!!!
Try this and you will be amazed! Don't look ahead! Just do it step by step. Go....
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.
1) pick a number from 1-9
2) subtract 5
3) multiply by 3
4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root)
5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10=1+0=1)
6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7) multiply by 2
8) subtract 6
9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12) think of the color of that mammal
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry.
You have a grey elephant from Denmark.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her".
The babysitter responds with "OK".
They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok".
The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok".
They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".
Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said , he who never lived, cannot die!
7. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow sure!
8. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
9. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
10. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Hey Bob, get me a bottle of tequila
11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded money from
all the bank tellers.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple,
killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
Men can be such bastards
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild .
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my centre desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".