Sunday, August 30, 2009

WORLD'S BEST JOKES COLLECTION

Best Joke in the world
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Second Place

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
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Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
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Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
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Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
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Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
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Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top Joke in England

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Friday, August 28, 2009

CA versus MBA

An MBA(Management in Business Administration) and a CA(Chartered Accountant) go on a camping trip, set up their tent ,and fell asleep.


Some hours later, the CA(Chartered Accountant) wakes his MBA(Management in Business Administration) friend and says

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The CA asks, "What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

The CA(Chartered Accountant)is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Euro-English Language Humor

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Funny Creative Animations

Some of the funniest creative animation pictures for your pleasure.

1. A Zebra crossing crossed by a Zebra



2. Spider weaving net



3. A Shark asking for help



4. Scuba diving and the fart..



5. Playboy popularity



6. Mosquito love...



7. Cows and bellies


8. Blondes sunbathe in beach

9. Blessing and death

Monday, August 24, 2009

Health Warning - Swallowing Gum

The U.S. government in coalition with several major European countries, announced at a press conference newly danger of absorption of gum. The FDA first learned of this problem after one of their staff attended Pilates class.




If you or someone you know and do not chew gum, pilates, be sure to arrange this for them!

What would You Think?

Glasgow mortuary

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed.

He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is
already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue.

She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day.

To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with
a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.
'No charge, 'he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
she says.

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didn't cost nothing.
You see, a dead gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue
suit.

I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So, I just switched their heads.'

Friday, August 21, 2009

Easy way to detect lies

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.

Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.
Signs of Deception:
Body Language of Lies:


• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.

• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.

• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.
Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.
Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.


Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.

• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.
Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.

Most lie detecting experts agree that a combination of body language and other cues must be used to make an educated guess on whether someone is telling the truth or a lie.




source

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Obama's New Health Care Plan from humor angle

President Obama's New Health Care Plan

Virtually every professional discipline within the American Medical Association's membership has decided to weigh in on the new health care plan being developed by President Obama's team, with varying thoughts and recommendations.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists
yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to totally wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, while the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "No!"

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ---- in Washington!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Light at the end of the Tunnel

No matter what situations life throws at you...
no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
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You're laughing aren't you?
That's good .......my job here is done making you laugh!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Automotive Acronyms

BMW - Big Money Waste

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

DODGE - Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT - Fix It Again Tomorrow

FORD - Found On Road Dead

GM - Grinding Metal

GMC - Gotta Mechanic Coming

HONDA - Hold On, Not Done Accelerating

JEEP - Just Enough Engine Power

KIA - Killed In Action

MAZDA - Made At Zoo by Demented Apes

MG - Mostly Garaged

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Increasingly Late Everyday

PINTO - Powerful Incendiary, Neatly Toasts Occupants

PLYMOUTH - Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood

PONTIAC - Poor Old Nebraskan, Thinks It’s A Cadillac

PORSCHE - Piece Of Rusty Scrap, Cost Highly Expensive

SUBARU - Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath

TOYOTA - The One You Ought To Avoid

VW - Virtually Worthless

Loan this guys seventy bucks

Mr.Harry and his wife were undergoing hard financial times. Having suffered a lot, they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got any sorta question, I'll be parked around the corner."

So, off she goes and starts waiting.She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops his HUGE......

She stares at IT for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks,

"Can you loan this guy seventy bucks, plz?"

The Bank Loan And New York City

A guy walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so he hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the guy for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the guy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The guy replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Lazy Firemen in action [Pictures]

Which of these people on photographs more seriously to extinguished the fires ? Well for me i don’t want any of these people being fire department officer in my town

Lame fireman
So.. you’re about flushing plants or what??

soft technique
Soft technique to extinguish the fire ??

Relaxed fireman
Relaxed Fireman without worries..

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Rolex Watch

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family...

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.


"Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"


"You lissina me, boy.

Somma day you gonna be runna da business,

you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money,

a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos"


"Anna somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe find a you wife inna bed with another man.




Whatta you gonna do then?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Good Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Tourists....

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."




With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table..




After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.




The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.




Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory..


He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Aussie Vs. Al-Qaeda

A US marine squad was driving North out of Basra when they came upon an Al-Qaeda soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The Aussie was conscious and alert.

As first aid was given to both men, the Aussie was asked what had happened. The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed Al-Qaeda soldier." Seeing each other we both took cover.

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him that even with the new government his country is still ~censored~, and he yelled back: 'So is yours'." "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Politeness At Dinner Table

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question: "If you were on
a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Robert replied, "I'd say: Just a minute, I have to take a wiz."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be very rude and impolite.
What about you, Sherman, what would you say?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the
dinner table." She next turned to the class smartass.

"And you, little Brian, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?

Brian replied, "Sure, I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner."