Wednesday, March 31, 2010

April Fools Day and little old lady

April Fools Day and Little Old Lady in court.....

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?



Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?


Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so

I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little CENSORED...

Three Blondes Easter

Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you're here."

The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey, and..."

"Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday."

St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiled and nodded.

The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

Easter egg jokes

Easter Egg questions and answers in hilarious comedy style...

Q. How did the eggs leave the highway?

A. They went through the "Eggs-it".

Q. What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?

A. He cracked up.

Q. Why couldn't the eggs go out on a hot summer day?

A. They were afraid they would fry!

Q. What did the egg say to the clown?

A. You crack me up!

Q. What part did the egg play in the movies?

A. He was an "Egg-stra".

Q. What do you call a sleeping egg?

A. Egg-zosted!

Q. What did the eggs do when the light turned green?

A. They egg-cellerated.

Q. What do you call an egg who is on the computer too much?

A. An "Egg Head".

Q. Why didn't the egg play on the computer very much?

A. His brain would be fried.

Q. What sport are the eggs good at?

A. Running!

Q. What did the eggs do on the Internet?

A. They looked for a good egg-site!

Q. Why couldn't the egg family watch T.V.?

A. Because their cable was scrambled.

Q. What website do eggs go on to chat?

A. "eggs.com"

Q. Why was the father egg so strict?

A. He was hard-boiled.

Q. What did the mommy egg say to the baby egg?

A. You're "Egg-stra special".

Q. What's red, pink and blue with yellow all over?

A. An Easter egg rolling down the hill.

Q. Why won't eggs go out at night?

A. They don't want to get "beat up".

Q. Why did the egg go to school?

A. To get "Egg-u-cated".

Q. Why wouldn't the egg take a hot bath?

A. He didn't want to be hard boiled.

Q. How did the egg roll across the road?

A. It just rolled, silly!

Q. How do eggs stay healthy?

A. They "Egg-cercize".

Q. What kind of plants do eggs keep?

A. Eggplants, silly!

Q. Why was the little girl sad after the race?

A. Because an egg beater!

Q. Why did the egg go to the baseball game?

A. For the egg-stra innings!

Q. What kind of jokes do eggs tell?

A. Egg yolks!

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Egg.

Egg who?

Egg-cited to see me?

Q. What do you call an egg from outer space?

A. An "Egg-stra terrestial".

Q. What do you get if you cross an egg with a vacuum cleaner?

A. I have no idea, but I bet it's messy!

Q. Why did the egg cross the road?

A. Because he wasn't a chicken yet!

Q. What day does an egg hate the most?

A. Fry-days.

Q. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

A. Neither--the Easter Bunny!

WISH YOU HAPPY EASTER TO ALL MY READERS, I AM SURE YOU ALL LIKED THIS EASTER EGG JOKE...

Monday, March 29, 2010

Funny football joke

Jogi Löw and his players talk before the match in the locker room:

"Listen guys, I know, the Austrians are bad." Said the trainer. "Listen guys, I know, the Austrians are bad." Said the trainer.
"But we have to play against them, there's nothing to be done ..." "But we have to play against them, there's nothing To be done ..."

"I'll make you a proposal," said Jens Lehmann, "it all goes into a" I'll make you a proposal, "said Jens Lehmann," it's all in a
Bar and I only play against them. Bar and I only play against them. What do you think? "What do you think?"

"Sounds reasonable!" Answer, the team manager and the other players and "Sounds reasonable!" Answer, the team manager and the other players and
go to a bar for a beer and play pool. go to a bar for a beer and play pool.
After a good hour recalls Michael Ballack, that yes, the game runs after a good hour recalls Michael Ballack, that's running The Game
and switches the TV on: Germany 1 (Lehmann 10 min) - and switches the TV on: Germany 1 (Lehmann 10 min) --

Austria 0 shows the scoreboard. Austria 0 shows the scoreboard.
Satisfied they devote themselves to resume their game of billiards and beer for a Satisfied they devote themselves to resume their game of billiards and beer for a
another hour before they are considered the final result. another hour before they see the final result.

The display board shows: Germany 1 (Lehmann 10 min) - Austria 1 (The display board shows: Germany 1 (Lehmann 10 min) - Austria 1

"Shit!" "Shit!" all players in horror and run screaming back into the stadium, where all players in horror and run screaming back into the stadium, where
Jens Lehmann they see sitting in the cabin, his face in the hands of Jens Lehmann they see sitting in the cabin, his face in his hands
buried. buried.
"What the hell happened, Jens?" "What the hell happened, Jens?" shouts the team manager. shouts the team manager.

"Sorry friends," replied Lehmann, "but that damn referee" Sorry friends, "replied Lehmann," but that damn referee
me on the 11th me on the 11th minutes sent off ...!" Minutes sent off ...!"

The tax system works

The tax system is a fairy tale for children

Once there were 10 men who went to lunch together every day. The
Account for all together every day was just 100.00 euros. Guests
paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it looked something like this:

Four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $ 1.
The sixth 3 euros.
The seventh $ 7.
The eighth $ 12.
The ninth $ 18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $ 59.

This went on for quite some time well. Every day they came to dinner and all
were satisfied.

Until the economic unrest brought into the arrangement in which he suggested that
To reduce the price of the meal at 20 euros. "Because you are all such good score
are, "How nice of him!" Now the food for the 10 cost only 80
Euro, but the group wanted to pay strictly maintained in such a way as we
be taxed.

This changed nothing for the first four, they still eat for free.

How did it but what about the other six? How could they have the $ 20
Saving divide so that everyone would get his? The six presented
quickly determine that $ 20 divided by six is $ 3.33.
But if they subtracted that from the individual parts would get the
fifth and sixth guest nor money for that at all to eat
go. So the landlord proposed to the guests that all about percentages
as much as he should pay less in total contribute .. He sat down
So back and began to calculate for its guests.

The result was the following:

The fifth guest, like the first four, now paid nothing now
(100% savings).
The sixth paid 2 instead of $ 3 (33% savings).
The seventh now paid $ 5) instead of $ 7 (28% savings.
The eighth now paid $ 9 instead of $ 12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $ 14 instead of 18 (22% savings).
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay $ 49 instead of 59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before, and even the first four
continued to eat for free.

But when the economy is still time before they figured out, was all but
not as ideal as they thought. "I have only 1 Euro from 20 Euro
get, "said the sixth guest and pointed to the tenth guest, the
Reach. "But he got $ 10!" "Yeah!" exclaimed the fifth. "I've
only 1 euro saved and he saves ten times as much as I do. "" How true! "
shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $ 10 back when I got only 2?

Get all the rich, "" Wait a minute, "yelled the first
four from one mouth. "We did not get anything. The system
exploits the poor! "

And what went out of the blue, the nine surrounded the tenth
And beat him up.

The next night the tenth guest not to eat on. Thus
The remaining 9 sat down and ate without him. But when it was time
pay the bill, they discovered something important:

All together did not have enough money to even half of the
Account can be paid! And if they are not starved surprised
they are today.

And so, dear children, our tax system works. The people who
here pay the highest taxes, have the greatest benefits of
Tax relief.

But if they need to pay much, it can happen that they simply
no longer appear at the table. In other countries there are also quite nice
Restaurants.

You may not like this fairy tale retelling.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Funny quotes by popular persons

Funny quotes by popular persons around the world...

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Anti-smoker Brooke Shields

"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."-- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
-- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."-- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people that make them unsafe."
-- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."-- Andrew Mathis

"It's like an alcatraz around my neck."-- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. we are the president."-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many chinese."-- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and i'm just the one to do it."-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"A billion here, a billion there--sooner or later it adds up to real money."-- Everett Dirksen

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

Friday, March 26, 2010

Communication gap....

A man is driving in his car on the road.
A woman is driving in her car on the same road, but in opposite direction

When they pass each other, the man opens his car window and shouts to the woman: DONKEY !

The man immediately responds: MONKEY !

But continue their separate ways, the woman being very satisfied with her quick and smart reaction.

And just as she reaches the first curve on the road....



Moral of the story:
"Women never really understand what men are trying to say to them."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Bring in the camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”.

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The Sargeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Office jokes: statistics and excuses

Statistics, Statistics

I'm tired. For a couple years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood,
lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies.
But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

Boy Oh Boy . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working.


Table of Excuses


To save time for this department and yourself, please give your excuse by number. The list below covers most situations.

1. That's the way we've always done it.

2. I didn't know you were in a hurry for it

3. That's not in my department.

4. No one told me to go ahead.

5. I'm waiting for an OK.

6. How did I know this was different?

7. That is his job, not mine.

8. Wait till the boss comes back and ask him.

9. I forgot.

10. I didn't think it was very important.

11. I'm so busy, that I just can't get around to it.

12. I thought I told you!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Grandpa And The Taxation Office

The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to their Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight .

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills .

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive . "

"How much?" asked Grandpa .

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son ..

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow . "

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow .. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110 .

"I know," said Grandpa . "The
hundred is from
Grandma!" Very Happy

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A rich mother-in-law

A very rich mother-in-law of 3 daughters wants to test her son-in-laws.
On the first day she takes the first son-in-law to a house and she jumps into a pond and cries for help.
The first son-in-law jumps in after her and helps her.
The next morning he sees a new blue BMW parked in front of his driveway with a small note reading...
"Thank you Son, you impressed me... from Mom."

On the second day she takes the second son-in-law to the house and does the same thing.
The second son-in-law jumps in and helps her.
And the next morning he sees a new green BMW parked in front of his driveway with the same note...
"Thank you Son, you impressed me... from Mom."

Finally on the third day she takes the last son-in-law out to the house and does the same thing again, but this time the third son-in-law acted like he didn't know anything and didn't hear anything and she drown and died.
The next morning while the third son-in-law is going out ..
he sees a new red Ferrari parked in front of the driveway with a small note reading...
"Thank you Son, you impressed me... from Dad"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there alight in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address

Funny quotes

"Britain is not an island ... yes, yes it is, but ..."
- Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4

"The president continues to surprise people, so I'm not surprised
surprised. "
- U. S. Defense Secy Cheney censored ~ ~

"President Bush is due to address nation at about 20
minute. "
- Peter Jennings, ABC News

"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
round, unlike fixed launchers. "
- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- From Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will be resumed in
a moment. "
- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- From Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)

"We have a good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out his chest. "
- Lt R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Department,
cited in National Lampoon Calendar
- From Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)

"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
in the park because people leave their butts on the beach. "
- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- From Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)

"Men aged 18 and 25 must register for the proposal
their 18 birthday. "
- Create a U. S. Post Office
- From Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)

"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."
- Unidentified general officer, re: the Gulf War.
- From Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)

"It is obligatory for tenderer to demonstrate that the stated
performance can be achieved by the proposed
system. "
- Request for a variety of unidentified
potential customer
- From Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)

"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, almost
nobody had heard of RISC "
- Digital Marketing Study
- From Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)

Sir James Spicer ... has officially opened at a toilet urinating
Valley first school in the neighborhood of Dorchester. "
- VNS # 2244 General News, January 23, 1990
- ~ Censored ~ Van Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Tensions in Latvia ... are tense ..."
- WBZ Radio, Boston, January 21, 1991, News
- From Gunars Zagare (Andover, MA, USA)

"If you could live here always, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we can not live
forever, that's why I would not live forever, "
- Miss Alabama in 1994
- Miss USA competition.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life. "
- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on another part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"The Lowdown villain deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey,
and I'm just the one to do it. "
- A Congressional candidate in Texas.

"I do not feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were large numbers of people who needed new land, and Indians
were selfishly trying to keep for themselves. "
- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It is not pollution that is harmful to the environment. Impurities
in our air and water that it does. "
- Unknown. This is due to:
Al Gore, Vice President
Dan Quayle, Vice President
George W. Bush, Governor of Texas

"I love California. I almost grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another "
- George Bush, U.S. president

"We have to stop and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need"
- Lee Iacocca

"I was with additional input that was radically different
truth. I helped promote this version. "
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word" genius "is not applicable in football. A genius is a man who
Norman Einstein. "
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, Vice President

The very best of funny quotes for the readers of itshumour.blogspot.com Thank you

Sunday, March 7, 2010

New seat belt laws

The National Highway Safety Council USA has done extensive
testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Seat belt laws

results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
Please pass on to family and friends.

NEW SEAT BELT LAWS

MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

seat belt laws

Friday, March 5, 2010

Corporate Structure Explained via Art



Why top level corporate executives always see shit when they look down....I find it puzzled..