Thursday, April 29, 2010

First Class Ticket

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section.

A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move.

She says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move.

She says again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How to sleep just anywhere


Can you sleep like this really ?


The most dangerous sleep in the world


One of the comfortable sleep you see


Sleep which can get you fired from your work

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The worst puns of all time

I've decided to attempt to cure my boredom and ask everyone what the worst pun you've experienced is. Especially those groan-worthy ones.

I'll start off with a few...


Why did Captain Hook cross the road?

To get to the second-hand store.

Two atoms were minding their own business, when one of them stops and yells, "I think I've lost an electron!" to which the other replies, 'Are you positive?"

A pirate walks into a bar. Bartender notices he has a belt buckle shaped like the steering wheel on a ship. The bartender asks about the wheel. The pirate replies...
"Y'arrr....it's driving me nuts!"

So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar.
And the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
That struck a chord.
Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble.
But they're key to my humour.
And very noteworthy.

(Conversation between a waiter and a customer.)
W: Hawaii, mister? You must be Hungary?
C: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long either. Venice lunch ready?
W: I'll Russia table. What'll you Havre? Aix?
C: Whatever's ready. But can't Jamaica cook step on the gas?
W: Odessa laugh. But Alaska.
C: Don't do me favours. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
W: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.
C: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
W: Canada noise! I don't Carribean. You sure Ararat!
C: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Be Nice! Matter of fact, I gotta Smolensk for ya!
W: Attu! Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alamein do! Spain in the neck. Pay your check and scram, Abyssinia!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Top 25 ways to annoy a pizza waiter

1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker's voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mississippi

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together
again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talking abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'


I bet you're gonna read this again!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Patent

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle", I said.

"What else do you have?" "A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton."

She sniggered and said,
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hilarious Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:

A priest offered a nun a lift. He got up and crossed her legs, forcing her habit as well as revealing a priest well-formed leg.The almost had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
your thigh.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he slipped his hand up her thigh again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129!" The priest
apologized.

"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Upon arrival at the convent, the nun went on.
On arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look for Psalm 129.

He said: "Go out and look above, is the glory."

Moral of the story: If you are knowledgeable in their work, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. Rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I usually grant three wishes, but as there are three of you, I will give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" said the secretary of administration. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"I'm coming! I come!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life at my side. "Poof!" He's gone.

"Okay, you're doing," says the genie to the manager. The director says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first word.


Corporate lesson 3:

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him: "I can sit like you and do nothing all day?" The Raven
replied: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the floor below the line, and at rest. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting doing nothing all day, you must be sitting very high.

Corporate lesson 4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to reach in the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I have no energy."

"Well, why do not you eat my droppings? "Replied the bull.

"They are full of nutrients .." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he sat proudly on top of tree. Soon it was discovered by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story
: Bullshit might get to the top, but not keep you there!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

AN IPAD QUIZ: BUY IPAD OR NOT ?

An IPAD quiz on whether you should buy IPAD or not ? The picture below gives you all the details. AN IPAD FLOWCHART

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Creative and cool advertisements

Here are some cool and creative advertisements..













Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My missing bike

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Top 10 reasons to date a hockey player

Top 10 reasons to date a hockey player, find out what is so good about dating hockey players



1. They always wear protection

2. They have great hands

3. They are used to scoring

4. They have great stamina

5. They find the opening and get it in

6. They never miss the target

7. They know how to use their wood

8. They have long sticks

9.They know when to play rough

10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.


Girls, start dating hockey players.. :)