Monday, May 30, 2011

The Pope and Rugby Fans

The Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He
was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic
commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically
to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in
horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Springbok rugby
jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other
two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious English fan from the
water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled
it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there was some bitter hatred
between South African and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my
own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has
access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but
he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or
do we need to get another Pommie?"

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why maids want more salary

A maid asked for a raise working at Mr.Stevens, she(the wife) was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a pay raise?
Mary: "Well, ma'am, there are three reasons why I want a raise.

The first is that i iron better than you. "
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: 'Your husband said. "
Wife: "Oh."

Mary: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: "Nonsense, who said that if it is a better cook than me?"
Maria: 'Your husband did. "
Wife: "Oh.

Mary: "The third reason is that I'm better at sex than in bed.
Wife: (very angry now) Ah! My husband says so? '
Maria: 'No Mam ... your driver said. "
Wife: "Ok Ok, how much do you want?"

This is an old joke and you might have read it but still its a very funny joke

Monday, May 23, 2011

Types of Computer Viruses in Real World

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus:
Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Perhaps we should report these viruses to Symantec for fix :) 

Saturday, May 21, 2011

How to Cheat Death

The picture below explains how to cheat death when your time comes ;) ENJOY

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

No Toilet Paper

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Geeks Kama Sutra Modern Positions

Posted below are some geeks kama sutra modern positions. It may not be what you were thinking ;) enjoy the pictures...
Geeks kama sutra modern positions

Geeky kama sutra positions drawing

Friday, May 13, 2011

No giggle since 1965

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had s e x?'

' 1965, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no s e  x since 1965! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1965.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.' 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Seeing The Psychiatrist

One fine day a guy went to the Psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with
his sex life. The Psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't
seem to be getting  clear picture of the problems.

Finally the Psychiatrist asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you are
having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh doctor, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once
during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw
her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Childless Couple

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

"To blow out that candle you lit!"

I guess you pretty much liked the Childless Couple,  please kindly share this LOL :) with your friends... 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Speaking of Intelligence

You're too stupid to lead...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $28 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

S.W.A.T. mosquitos...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy... not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway...
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

Too Well-Educated...
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Laden Sent Letter to Bush

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

 Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Mrs. Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

 No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

 With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Osama Bin Laden application rejected

A dream job looking after a tropical island in Australia has attracted over 14,000 applicants -- including Osama bin Laden who failed to make the shortlist.

A spokeswoman for Tourism Queensland said the group had received over 11,000 video applications since advertising the A$130,000 ($93,000) "best job in the world" as caretaker of Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef.

One of the applications was a 30-second prank video showing the world's most wanted man, with nonsense sounds dubbed over his real voice.

Using subtitles, osama bin Laden urges his case for the six-month contract, describing himself as "outgoing," "familiar with sandy areas" and experienced with "large scale event coordination."

He lists his interests as arts, crafts and renovating. Videos showing bin Laden speaking are widely available on the Internet.

A spokeswoman for Tourism Queensland said a person using osama bin Laden's identity had lodged an official application with required video that has made its way onto video sharing website YouTube, but the application has been rejected.

"While Tourism Queensland encourages people to be creative in their applications, they have to meet the selection criteria, including appropriate content, if they want to be considered for the job," said the spokeswoman.

"The 'Osama bin Laden' application was submitted via the website but it was rejected because the content was not deemed to be appropriate."

The $1.5 million "best job in the World" marketing campaign has attracted huge international interest, with applicants from 162 countries responding to the opening which closes on February 22.

Queensland's Tourism Minister Boyle acknowledges the campaign was aimed to lure visitors to the islands of the Great Barrier Reef but insists the job offer is also genuine.

The successful applicant will have the chance to live rent free on Hamilton Island for six months in an oceanfront villa, spend their time exploring the islands of the Great Barrier Reef.

FYI: This is a joke...