Saturday, July 30, 2011

Transfer of Labor Pain


A married couple went to the hospital for baby delivery. Upon their arrival, the doctor said the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machines that move  the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they wanted to try it.

Both said they were very in favor of it.
Doctors set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
Husband was still feeling fine. The Doctor then check the blood pressure of husband and amazed at how well he is doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel well. Since the transfer of disease is obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer aLL the pain to him.

Wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic, and he left the hospital within a few hours.


When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch: mellow:

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Receptionist in Law Office


A guy phones a law office and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist
replies, “I'm sorry but he died last week.”

The next day, he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I
told you yesterday, he died last week.”

The next day, the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the
receptionist is getting  little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died
last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

A quick nap joke:

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a
good idea to leave them there.



Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Employee Explanation

Suddenly, one of the employee in an organization took 10 days Leave Without any notice. When he returned his manager asked for explanation.

The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly". The manager let it go at That.
After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his father died. Then the manager got changed. After 3 months the same pattern Repeated. And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.
After 3 months same thing again... And this time his father died. This Happened repeatedly for 2 years. At the end, Human resource manager checked his past records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"

NOW GUESS THE ANSWER...







To which the employee said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and..."



Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Divorce Attorney

The divorce attorney was requested to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity. His response is, "I guess you have heard, my mother is suffering from a terminal illness and her medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind, but in a wheelchair and he was to take ten different medications a day.

The divorce attorney said, my sister is an only parent of three children since her husband died without life insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wif is in a mental ward, and can not get out. My only son is in a program in rehabilitation medicine, but he left and nobody could find him.
"
Before he could recover his breath and continue with the fundraiser thought it wisest to terminate and let the poor man alone. "You are correct, sir. I had no idea of ​​your problem. Of course we do not expect to make a contribution to the many demands on your income. "

The divorce attorney nods and answers, "Specifications - Why should I contribute to your organization when I do not even give my own family? "

Sorry for my english language, after reading this you might feel the big bucks earner attorneys like divorce attorney, attorneys in Texas and immigration attorneys are kind of not so open from heart when it comes to charity.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Think like a lawyer

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his good students, “If you were to give
someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here's an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I would tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and
singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said
orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages
with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away
with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or
in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary
in anywise notwithstanding...”

Friday, July 15, 2011

Engineers are never worried

Engineers are never worried, proved already..

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Little Girl helping construction crew

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's daughter took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
Her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
Containing ten dollars. The girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fxxxxx' sheet rock..."

Monday, July 11, 2011

Funny Marriage Jokes

Relax and enjoy funny marriage jokes and lol

The husband returns home one day and tells his wife, "Hi Honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD."

"Why did you do that?, We don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife ..

And husband says "So what ... have i ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

- The dog, He'll shut up once you let him in.


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A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.

He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful, What should I pack for .... Europe, Asia, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself,
when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?, Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on."

The Wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."

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Personally, i liked the second one which is very laughable for funny marriage jokes.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

How to test a car crash

The picture below shows the easiest way on how you can test car crash ... Yes, CAR CRASH TEST in real world ... Enjoy the picture and learn something new ... :)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Oil deposit on an Indian reservation

An Indian reservation, a major oil company discovered a large oil deposit. The only
The problem was that as long as they do not drill for oil, one tribal member  remained on the land. There was only one old Indian land, and his name was chief bowels.


Chief Bowels was proving to be very stubborn about moving off of his tribal lands. The
oil company offered him large sums of cash, stocks, and everything else they could think
of but the only reply he ever gave them was, “Bowels no move!”

Then the lawyers discovered a clause in the treaty that allowed them to move the old
chief off the land and into a rest home if he could no longer take care of himself.
The company sent Chief Bowels to a doctor hoping he could be shown to be an invalid.
The doctor, not knowing the situation, asked the chief what the problem was.

The chief replied, “Bowels no move!”
The doctor gave the chief some laxatives and sent him on his way. The next day the oil
company sent Chief Bowels back to the doctor, hoping for better results. The doctor
again asked the chief what the problem was.


The main answer, "Bowels still inside", so the doctor gave him some more laxatives
and sent him on his way. This cycle continues for about two weeks.

Then one day the chief showed up as usual at the doctor’s office. Again, ask your doctor
What is the problem. The chief replied, “Bowels move. Bowels have to move. Teepee
Full of crap! "

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer



Two guys, Peter and Shawn, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, Peter says, “Shawn, we better lose some altitude so we can see
where we are.”

Shawn lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
cloud cover. Peter says, “I still can't tell where we are, let’s ask that guy on the
ground.”

So, Shawn yells down to the man, “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”
The man on the ground yells back, “You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.”
Peter turns to Shawn and says, “That man must be a lawyer.”
Shawn says, “How can you tell?”

“Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”
That's the end of the joke, but for you people who are still worried about Peter and
Shawn; they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times:
“Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer.”