Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Funny Statuses Quotes For Facebook

 Here, i present you very best of Funny Statuses Quotes For Facebook which of course you can use as your Facebook status

A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome".

I feel sleepy 24x7!....what to do???

funny facebook quotes

"Most people say U have changed but no 1 dares to look into you eyes and say u have compromised a lot"

Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to target today, and long story short, i think i have been promoted to assistant manager.

The internet is perfect because it satisfies my desire to be alone while still getting attention from people.

rating dominos pizza

Best error message of the century
An error shown by a computer:
"No keyboard found.
...Press any key to continue...."

I drink once in a blue moon but the problem is why that blue moon comes so frequently.... lol

In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers, NOW THEY DRINK LIKE THEIR FATHERS...

Some people are so useless like "AY" in the word "OKAY"!!!!!!!!

I love the beach........ except the water and sand but i love the rest :)
funny facebook statuses

My girlfriend is getting so tired of my Linkin Park references. But in the end it doesn't matter.

A wise person once told me taht if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what.

We really shouldn't eat or wear animals, they are our friends. How would you like it if i ate you ?

Mom: Why is there a spoon in your room ? That should be in the kitchen.
Mew: Hehe, like women.

What the heck is planking ? Its the parkour of people who can't move fast.

The most beautiful things on earth can't be seen, they can only be felt with the heard..
Hearts don't feel boobies .....

Everyone's a genius, But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid."

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember

Love doesn't require two people look at each other, but that they look together in the same direction.

“Who gets the hottest place in hell, the Priest who would take away the innocence of a child or the lawyer that would defend him?”

If I were a computer I'd shut down and reboot my life.

"A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are screwed first."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Interesting funny comments in life

True love is like a pillow

You can hug when you are in trouble

You can cry on when you are in pain & You can embrace when You are happy

so when You need true love

spend $20 -Buy a pillow


Marriages are made in heaven then what are made in Hell?

Ans : the days after marriage

I wrote Your name on the sand ............ ....

it got washed away,

I wrote Your name in air......... ......... .........

it got blown away,

So i wrote Your name in my heart....... .......

I got a HEART ATTACK


Your smile can be compared to a flower

Your voice can be compared to a cuckoo

Your inocence to a child

but in stupidity

You have no comparison

You are the best



Dear Friend,

when i ask You flower,

You give me bouquet

when i ask You a stone

You give me a statue

when i ask You a feather

You give me peacock


ARE You REALLY DEAF ?

I had VODKA with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I had WHISKY with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I had RUM with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!



when i call you;

1 ring means i'm thinking of you

2 ring means i like you

3 means i miss you

4 means ...........pick the phone idiot



Teacher : Four beautiful ladies are walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence .

Student : WOW !

SMILE - is a language of love

SMILE - is a source to win hearts...

SMILE - creates greatness in Your personality

SO....

Brush Your Teeth today onwards


I hope you enjoyed these interesting funny comments in life

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Defense attorney and a farmer

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a
bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Defense Attorney: “At the scene of the accident, did you tell the officer you had never felt better in your life?”

Farmer: “That's right.”

Defense Attorney: “Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured
when my client's auto hit your wagon?”

Farmer: “When the officer arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg,
and shot him. Then he went over to roller, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him.

When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice
of words to say I've never felt better in my life.”

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Politics Quotes By Popular Persons

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Letter from scout camp




Dear Mommy & Daddy,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Veron when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Veron's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Veron in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Suyong got mad at Veron for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Veron said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Suyong gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Suyong said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Suyong is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Suyong wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Veron was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Suyong isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Suyong said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love, Johnny


Friday, August 12, 2011

The Magical Frog

The magical frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the magical frog, and the magical frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The magical frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.


The magical frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,


"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."


So, -she's the richest woman in the world!


The magical frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen

Monday, August 8, 2011

wholesaler in New York

The story is related to a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster
Of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of honest lawyer who take
Debt collection cases for a local debtor who had refused to pay for shipping
of wholesaler's products. He sent the answer.

"Dear Sir:

"I am the postmaster of this village and acknowledged your letter. I am an honest lawyer, i
Will be pleased to accept the lawsuit against the local debtor. In this case, I also happen to be the person you sold those lousy goods to.I received your demand to pay, refused to honor it. I am also the banker whom you send the plan to draw on  the merchant, and I sent it back with a note stating that merchant had refused to traders pay. And I, to replace our local church pastor for the time being, i Will say the only place where you can stick to your claim. "

Yet another Lawyer joke for your amusement :

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want
to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,”" replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it's only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”

Friday, August 5, 2011

Marriage Software Division

This is what a guy wrote to  systems analyst
(Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

... AND THIS IS WHAT ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1..0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1 " (Short Skirt Version)
or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES! and if everything fails, contact software maker- tech support and ask to speak to the Head of Operations - named GOD for solutions to all your wife.1 software problem.

Yours, Systems Analyst..