Monday, February 27, 2012

Where is the supplies

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...











'SUPPLIES!!' (SURPRISE)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Beer Careful Guys

University scientists released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.

2) Talked excessively without making sense.

3) became overly emotional.

4) Couldn't drive.

5) Failed to think rationally.

6) Argued over nothing.

7) Had to sit down while urinating.

8)refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


No further testing was considered necessary.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

African Roulette

An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

Friday, February 24, 2012

What Men mean to say

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself
dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick
in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational
thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner
already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Means:
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means:
"I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that
redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO
HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still
talking?"

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you
catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"YES, I LOVE YOUR SPINACH CASSEROLE." Means: "Real
men love beer and boobs. Why can't you understand that?"

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Best of Darwinism

Best of Darwinism

The human race is doomed. In case you needed further proof that part of the human race is doomed, here are some instructions from labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
- Do not use while sleeping.

On a a bag of Fritos:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
- Directions: Use like regular soap.

On Swan frozen dinners:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
- Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
- Do not turn upside down. (Printed on bottom of box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
- Product will be hot after heating.

On package for a Rowenta Iron:
- Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
- Do not drive a car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
- Warning: May cause drowsiness!

On a Korean kitchen knife:
- Warning: Keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
- For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
- Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Funny Indian Sardar Jokes

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know
start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand,
oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head.
Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India
Radio! '

In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .......
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Lie detector robot

A Man buys a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school (robot slaps son)

Son: Okay I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)

Son: Okay I was watching p o r n.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what p o r n was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: hahahahaha! after all he is your Son!(robot slaps Mom)
roflmao........

For some more  short funny jokes

Friday, February 17, 2012

Wine taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It's red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who is the father!"

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Whitney Houston Jokes

RIP, Whitney Houston. This is no offense, just came up with some jokes on Whitney Houston. Dear Whitney Houston fans, please do not take the jokes below seriously. It's just meant for entertainment purpose.

Looks like Whitney Houston is cool again now that she's just made the transition from mainstream to the underground.

Whitney Houston's life is like skiing.
Once you get on the white powder, it's all down hill from there

Whitney Houston ended her life the same way she ended her songs.
On a high note.

A suicide note, supposedly by Whitney Houston, is now doing the rounds on the Internet.
Obviously a fake. Everyone knows black people can't write.

Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.
It's called WiiHab.

Whitney Houston to star in her new film. The Body bag.

First Amy Winehouse, now Whitney Houston, Columbia has a tough financial year ahead.

TMZ is reporting that Whitney Houston has officially quit using drugs.

I bet they didnt need to draw any white lines around Whitney Houston's body.

Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to have made a terrible error. I said "Britney", not "Whitney".

When Michael Jackson died all that was on the radio was Michael Jackson songs. When Whitney Houston died all you could hear was Whitney Houston songs. I just hope Justin Bieber Never Dies

Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to explain to Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad

Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath.

Houston leaves fortune with people who loved her.
Mexican drugs cartels.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

why planning is essential

One Night 4 college students were playing football till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt.They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of only 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

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Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........ (2 MARKS)


Q.2. which tyre burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left

b) Front Right

c) Back Left

d) Back Right.....!! !

Monday, February 13, 2012

Evolution of Men and Women

And the difference between Boy and Girl is below 



Thursday, February 9, 2012

Valentines day punchline

Ibibili income jacket.
Because you might drown in my love.

Crayola you?
Given because of the color in my life.

Can income be sidecar?
Single because I eh.

I have an exam.
So answer me.

My love for you is like LBM.
The hard to resist.

Minama my heart again ...
How do because, always sinisigaw name.

Papicture Hey!
Be developed for us!


If you have balls and I'm the player, you mashushoot income?
No, we always mamimiss.

Can I take your picture?
Coz i want to show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas!

Exam you?
Because I do want to take home income eh!

You lecture me?
Lab because income.

Centrum you?
Because You Complete Me!

Do we miss can be drivers?
For you to run my life.

Do you love sugar?
The sweetness because of the smile.

Pinaglihi you keyboard?
Because we type.

I hate to say this but ... You are like my underwear.
Coz i can not last a day without you!

Do you license me?
Coz you're driving me crazy eh.

Do you know who makes a watch?
I watch defective kidding .. because you love with me, I stop the time.

Serious comic I pick-up lines Noh? hahaha! Do you know anyone else? I think nothing eh.
Coz all I ever think of is you.

I'm a bee.
Can you be my honey?

Does not scary ghost?
But even more frightening when you lose in life.

Am I a bad shooter?
Coz i keep on missing you.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Oh I want to go through again?

Maybe you fast Noh puzzles?
Kakasimula just because of my day, but you formed immediately.

Excuse me .. Are you a dictionary?
Because you give meaning to my life.

Cliff you?

Love because I am immersed.

Dentures you?
Well, can not smile without you.

You tired Noh?
Kana day running as I thought eh.

I heart me hole?
Natrap because I'm in, can not find my way out!

What is your height?
Ha! How you settled in my heart.

Hey, did you fart?
Coz you blew me away!

Me "T" I.
For I'm always right next to "U"

Are you Jamaican?
Because Ja-maican me crazy!

We are not human .. We are not animals.
We THINGS. THINGS really are.

Favorite Subject you Geometry.
Angle because you anywhere you look nice eh!

Short Manny Pacquiao Joke

One day pakatapos take exam with best friend nya that Boboy:

Manny: how are you my exam.

Boboy: Nothing I have filled, I empty my paper. You?

Manny: Oh, my paper was also blank. Laogt, nagkopyahan teacher might say of us.

For the fan of Pacman: Peace of frends, fan (as in fan) I also Pacman. It is not for streakof what the name of the people's champ. Fun please.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Best of Breakup Letter

An OFW who are based in Saudi Arabia receive letter from the girlfriend in the Philippines. This is the content of the letter:

Dear Aramos,

I would like to inform you that I can not afford to continue this relationship. The distanceBetween us is just too great. Long distance love affair is not for me. I would admit thatdeceived thee twice and spoke relationship with another man while I do not have it. Iknew you was unfair, that's why I want to end this relationship. I do not want hurt yourfeelings anymore. I'm sorry.

PS. Please return the picture that I sent to you.

love,
Jennifer


Hurt our super hero, like humirit a reward for the last time. She Nangolekta pictures offellow women, pictures of sisters and ex-girlfriend of colleagues. She already collect 52pictures and sent the picture of Jennifer with the 52 pictures that kenolek. This is the content of the letter of Johny:

Dear Jennifer,

I'm so sorry, but I can not quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Aramos – The Lover Boy

Monday, February 6, 2012

How to fix OS issues

Here is an easy way to fix any Operating Systems (OS) issues.. Bet, you will find the tips highly helpful ;)

Friday, February 3, 2012

Problem Solving Flowsheet

The good way to solve the problems is via following the flowchart below



Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Canadian Journal

August 12, 2009 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's beautiful here. Mountains are very spectacular. Covered with snow most of them can not wait to see them.

October 14 - Canada - it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have all colors and shades give a red or orange. Go for a ride through beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are very elegant. They are certainly the most wonderful animals on earth.This must be paradise. I love it here!

November 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can not imagine thepeople who want to kill such a gorgeous creature can. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F#cking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white ~love~ fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ~censored~.

Dec. 25 - Merry F#cking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the ~censored~. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f#cking ice.

December 27 - More white ~love~ last night.. Every time it passes inside for three days now except for the snow plow shovel the driveway after that snow. You can not goanywhere, and that car is stuck in a pile of junk that has been badly so cold white.Weather is expected that another 10 inches of crap again tonight. Are you a full 10 inches of snow shovel Do you know what?

December 28 -  # That f#cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of crap this time. This rate does not melt before summer. Snow plow is stuck to the road, came to my door ~ censored ~, and asked to borrow my shovel. After I've told him I already had broken six shovels shoveling out all the crap he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f#cking head.

January 04 - The day finally came out of the house. Go to the store to get food, the deerran in front of the car on my way back to the damned. About $ 3,000 damage done to the car. These beasts should be killed.Those beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere.Wish the hunters had
exterminated them all last November.

May 03 - Took the car to the garage in town. This means that out, they will believe they put all the rust from the salt all over the road.


May 10 - Moved to Florida. Because I live in a God forsaken place like Canada can not imagine somebody insane!