Its All Humor

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, She’s fat! The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet... A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!" The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep" The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created Burger King, and Burger King brought forth the $3.20 double-Whopper, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter....

Every baby boy wants to grow up and be a man soon. Examples of some progress made by baby boy kids...

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!" The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!...

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?...

1. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are excellent drivers. 4. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 5. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 6. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in the...

Two engineering students, one pushing a bike, were walking across a university campus when the other said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers : Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers: Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen ...

A newly wed couple went to their lawyer to get themselves a divorce.. The lawyer wondered why they want a divorce when they are both good looking & newly wed... So he took both of them into 2 separate rooms & asked them the reason for the divorce... First with the woman... "I wanted this =========> ...at least this =====> ...but what is this => .....!!!" Then with the man..... "I wanted this () ....atleast this ( ) ... but what is this ( ) ....!!!"

NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUT...

The effect of Swine Flu can be dangerous for friendship...

Tattoos which are crazy and make you laugh but with pain... in body. Below are some really crazy people with crazy tattoos..

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his as...

Engineer VS Management (Plz Do not take it personal if you are engineer or manager... its a joke for smiling not a poke..!) A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me sir, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' 'You must be an engineer ,' said the lady balloonist. 'I am', replied the man. 'How did you know?' 'Well, answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more....

What could be this drink which the soldier is about to drink... Imagine... War Is Hell... Or Not..

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........ NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50...

Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Tying their belts” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Checking the system” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Looking for my people” Officer: “After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Serving the travelers” Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Eating & throwing” Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were read...

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... " His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe... 1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time). 7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of...