Its All Humor

Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, bullet Astronomically, it tells me th...

An MBA(Management in Business Administration) and a CA(Chartered Accountant) go on a camping trip , set up their tent ,and fell asleep. Some hours later, the CA(Chartered Accountant) wakes his MBA(Management in Business Administration) friend and says "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars." The CA asks, "What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute. " Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically , it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically , it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically , it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" The CA(Chartered Accountant) is silent for a momen...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the r...

Some of the funniest creative animation pictures for your pleasure. 1. A Zebra crossing crossed by a Zebra 2. Spider weaving net 3. A Shark asking for help 4. Scuba diving and the fart.. 5. Playboy popularity 6. Mosquito love... 7. Cows and bellies 8. Blondes sunbathe in beach 9. Blessing and death

The U.S. government in coalition with several major European countries, announced at a press conference newly danger of absorption of gum. The FDA first learned of this problem after one of their staff attended Pilates class. If you or someone you know and do not chew gum, pilates, be sure to arrange this for them! What would You Think?

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'No charge, 'he says. 'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Ho...

Introduction to Detecting Lies: The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions. Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you. Signs of Deception: Body Language of Lies: • Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space. • A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact. • Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand. Emotional Gestures & Contradiction • Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emo...

President Obama's New Health Care Plan Virtually every professional discipline within the American Medical Association's membership has decided to weigh in on the new health care plan being developed by President Obama's team, with varying thoughts and recommendations. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to totally wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said,...

No matter what situations life throws at you... no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem... Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! You're laughing aren't you? That's good .......my job here is done making you laugh !

BMW - Big Money Waste BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet DODGE - Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT - Fix It Again Tomorrow FORD - Found On Road Dead GM - Grinding Metal GMC - Gotta Mechanic Coming HONDA - Hold On, Not Done Accelerating JEEP - Just Enough Engine Power KIA - Killed In Action MAZDA - Made At Zoo by Demented Apes MG - Mostly Garaged OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Increasingly Late Everyday PINTO - Powerful Incendiary, Neatly Toasts Occupants PLYMOUTH - Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood PONTIAC - Poor Old Nebraskan, Thinks It’s A Cadillac PORSCHE - Piece Of Rusty Scrap, Cost Highly Expensive SUBARU - Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath TOYOTA - The One You Ought To Avoid VW - Virtually Worthless

Mr.Harry and his wife were undergoing hard financial times . Having suffered a lot, they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got any sorta question, I'll be parked around the corner." So, off she goes and starts waiting.She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops his HUGE...... She stares at IT for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this ...

A guy walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer . He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so he hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce . The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan . The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the guy for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the guy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out...

Which of these people on photographs more seriously to extinguished the fires ? Well for me i don’t want any of these people being fire department officer in my town So.. you’re about flushing plants or what?? Soft technique to extinguish the fire ?? Relaxed Fireman without worries..

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family... An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos" "Anna somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe find a you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving h...

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible ...

A US marine squad was driving North out of Basra when they came upon an Al-Qaeda soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The Aussie was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Aussie was asked what had happened. The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed Al-Qaeda soldier." Seeing each other we both took cover. "What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him that even with the new government his country is still ~censored~, and he yelled back: 'So is yours'." "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Robert replied, "I'd say: Just a minute, I have to take a wiz." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be very rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, what would you say?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table." She next turned to the class smartass. "And you, little Brian, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? Brian replied, "Sure, I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner....