Its All Humor

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I l...

This is the simplest way to watch youtube without internet connection at any part of the world.. I wouldn't say "Don't Try This At Home" :)

Dear John I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches s...

These employee evaluation quotes about life were taken from actual performance evaluations. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." These quotes are actual lines from military performance appraisals. 1. Got into the gene pool when the...

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neith...

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these childrens science exam answers... Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs... Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: ...

1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone. 2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically. 5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again." 7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with...

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - * That's Direct Marketing .* 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - * That's Advertising .* 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - * That's Telemarketing .* 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - * T hat's Public Relations .* 5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - * Th...

How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the f$$$ing plants Friend: Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z wait, shit. My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert. Just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating, so she calls me a pervert again?!? There is no justice in the world... Facebook keeps giving me targeted ads for gay social networking sites, and telling me where I can meet "hot gay men in my area." I am a straight female. I walked by a really big guy on a bike the other day. He yelled, "GET OUT OF THE WAY." He was on an exercise bike at the gym. It was either going to be the best orrgsm I ever had, or I was going to shit myself. I played it safe and made him stop. Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that @nel s3x is nice because it works on all genders. my math teacher staples burger k...

Girls and Windows Both have a great UI(User Interface). Both consume large resources and do less work. Both crash unexpectedly. Both are not easily portable on different architectures (environment). Both can't work on low resource architectures (environment). Both are costly to maintain. Both give mostly unexpected outputs. Both working often contradicts with their documentation. Both are easily prone to viruses (rumors and doubts) (and they (viruses) do spread very fast in windows based networks). In spite of all above disadvantages, both are liked very much. Boys and Linux Both have an average UI(User Interface). Both are robust. Both are highly secure. Both can be easily modified to support new concepts/features. Both are efficient. Both are easily portable to any architecture (environment) no matter how low are resources. You can easily guess the output for your input (in Linux just open its code, for boys they are mostly transparent by nature). Both provide ...

Telesales agent getting the customer's credit card info: Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir? Customer: My what?!! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- - Agent verifying info from the customer: Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong? Customer: No, it's B. Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------- Agent answering a call: Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince..... (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client-- a DirecTV dealer). Customer: So, I called the wrong number then? Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go.... (puts the customer on hold, and then)... Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Agent wrapping up the sale: Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules... Customer: Uhm.... say what, now. Who...

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally,the guys' side of the story. (must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear"the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 1.Men are NOT mind readers. 1.. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anythin...

Let's face it, English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant. No ham in the hamburger. And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. And French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, What the heck does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down. And in whic...

* "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." * "Imagination is more important than knowledge." * "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." * "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details." * "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." * "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." * "The only real valuable thing is intuition." * "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." * "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice." * "God is subtle but he is not malicious." * "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." * "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." * "The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility." * "Someti...