Its All Humor

April Fools Day and Little Old Lady in court..... Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing ...

Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you're here." The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey , and..." "Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday." St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the other two... Now, WHA...

Easter Egg questions and answers in hilarious comedy style ... Q. How did the eggs leave the highway? A. They went through the "Eggs-it". Q. What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? A. He cracked up. Q. Why couldn't the eggs go out on a hot summer day? A. They were afraid they would fry! Q. What did the egg say to the clown? A. You crack me up! Q. What part did the egg play in the movies? A. He was an "Egg-stra". Q. What do you call a sleeping egg? A. Egg-zosted! Q. What did the eggs do when the light turned green? A. They egg-cellerated. Q. What do you call an egg who is on the computer too much? A. An "Egg Head". Q. Why didn't the egg play on the computer very much? A. His brain would be fried. Q. What sport are the eggs good at? A. Running! Q. What did the eggs do on the Internet? A. They looked for a good egg-site! Q. Why couldn't the egg family watch T.V.? A. Because their cable was scrambled. Q. What website do eggs go on to...

Jogi Löw and his players talk before the match in the locker room: "Listen guys, I know, the Austrians are bad." Said the trainer. "Listen guys, I know, the Austrians are bad." Said the trainer. "But we have to play against them, there's nothing to be done ..." "But we have to play against them, there's nothing To be done ..." "I'll make you a proposal," said Jens Lehmann, "it all goes into a" I'll make you a proposal, "said Jens Lehmann," it's all in a Bar and I only play against them. Bar and I only play against them. What do you think? "What do you think?" "Sounds reasonable!" Answer, the team manager and the other players and "Sounds reasonable!" Answer, the team manager and the other players and go to a bar for a beer and play pool. go to a bar for a beer and play pool. After a good hour recalls Michael Ballack, that yes, the game runs after a good hour recalls M...

The tax system is a fairy tale for children Once there were 10 men who went to lunch together every day. The Account for all together every day was just 100.00 euros. Guests paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it looked something like this: Four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $ 1. The sixth 3 euros. The seventh $ 7. The eighth $ 12. The ninth $ 18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $ 59. This went on for quite some time well. Every day they came to dinner and all were satisfied. Until the economic unrest brought into the arrangement in which he suggested that To reduce the price of the meal at 20 euros. "Because you are all such good score are, "How nice of him!" Now the food for the 10 cost only 80 Euro, but the group wanted to pay strictly maintained in such a way as we be taxed. This changed nothing for the first four, they still eat for free. How did it but what about the other six? How could they have the $ 20 Saving divide so th...

Funny quotes by popular persons around the world... "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "What do ...

A man is driving in his car on the road. A woman is driving in her car on the same road, but in opposite direction When they pass each other, the man opens his car window and shouts to the woman: DONKEY ! The man immediately responds: MONKEY ! But continue their separate ways, the woman being very satisfied with her quick and smart reaction. And just as she reaches the first curve on the road .... Moral of the story: "Women never really understand what men are trying to say to them."

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”. The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.” The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?” The Sargeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.

Statistics, Statistics I'm tired. For a couple years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. Boy Oh Boy . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the on...

The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to their Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bite...

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills . The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive . " "How much?" asked Grandpa . "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son .. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow . " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow .. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110 . "I know," said Grandpa . "The hundred is from Grandma!" Very Happy

A very rich mother-in-law of 3 daughters wants to test her son-in-laws. On the first day she takes the first son-in-law to a house and she jumps into a pond and cries for help. The first son-in-law jumps in after her and helps her. The next morning he sees a new blue BMW parked in front of his driveway with a small note reading... "Thank you Son, you impressed me... from Mom." On the second day she takes the second son-in-law to the house and does the same thing. The second son-in-law jumps in and helps her. And the next morning he sees a new green BMW parked in front of his driveway with the same note... "Thank you Son, you impressed me... from Mom." Finally on the third day she takes the last son-in-law out to the house and does the same thing again, but this time the third son-in-law acted like he didn't know anything and didn't hear anything and she drown and died. The next morning while the third son-in-law is going out .. he sees a new red Ferrari park...

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule : When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the w...

"Britain is not an island ... yes, yes it is, but ..." - Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4 "The president continues to surprise people, so I'm not surprised surprised. " - U. S. Defense Secy Cheney censored ~ ~ "President Bush is due to address nation at about 20 minute. " - Peter Jennings, ABC News "Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move round, unlike fixed launchers. " - Katie Coucik, NBC News - From Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA) "Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will be resumed in a moment. " - Tom Brokaw, NBC News - From Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA) "We have a good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp object sticking out his chest. " - Lt R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Department, cited in National Lampoon Calendar - From Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA) "The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking in the park because people leave t...

The National Highway Safety Council USA has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt . Seat belt laws results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Correct Installation is illustrated below....... Please pass on to family and friends. NEW SEAT BELT LAWS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

Why top level corporate executives always see shit when they look down....I find it puzzled..