Its All Humor

The Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Springbok rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there was some bitter hatred between South African and English rugby fans , but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "who was that?"

A maid asked for a raise working at Mr.Stevens, she(the wife) was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay raise? Mary: "Well, ma'am, there are three reasons why I want a raise. The first is that i iron better than you. " Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: 'Your husband said. " Wife: "Oh." Mary: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you. Wife: "Nonsense, who said that if it is a better cook than me?" Maria: 'Your husband did. " Wife: "Oh. Mary: "The third reason is that I'm better at sex than in bed. Wife: (very angry now) Ah! My husband says so? ' Maria: 'No Mam ... your driver said. " Wife: "Ok Ok, how much do you want?" This is an old joke and you might have read it but still its a very funny joke . 

Ted Kennedy virus : Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus : Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. UK Parliament virus : Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order virus : probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike virus : Just Does It! Ollie Nor

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had s e x?' ' 1965, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You

One fine day a guy went to the Psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The Psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting  clear picture of the problems. Finally the Psychiatrist asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh doctor, she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window."

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest. "My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple. Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit." And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, an

You're too stupid to lead.. . AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $28 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... S.W.A.T. mosquitos. .. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classma

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H  Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Mrs. Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.  No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.  With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

A dream job looking after a tropical island in Australia has attracted over 14,000 applicants -- including Osama bin Laden who failed to make the shortlist. A spokeswoman for Tourism Queensland said the group had received over 11,000 video applications since advertising the A$130,000 ($93,000) "best job in the world" as caretaker of Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef. One of the applications was a 30-second prank video showing the world's most wanted man, with nonsense sounds dubbed over his real voice. Using subtitles, osama bin Laden urges his case for the six-month contract, describing himself as "outgoing," "familiar with sandy areas" and experienced with "large scale event coordination." He lists his interests as arts, crafts and renovating. Videos showing bin Laden speaking are widely available on the Internet. A spokeswoman for Tourism Queensland said a person using osama bin Laden's identity had lodged an offici