Monday, June 15, 2009

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Important Health Advice

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world
into three categories: animal; mineral; and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the
periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain.? Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in
record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best, feel-good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.

1 Comment:

Bonez565 said...

Damn all these years i have been living right and didn't even know it.