TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you
to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."
Monday, April 27, 2009
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony with a bag of lollipops and tell him to report on all
the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'
- After a few moments he announced,'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
- 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a bag of lollipops.'
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.
Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought:
"The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins” She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But, incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said
"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
This video is amazing one, Jimmy Fallon Comedy with Susan Boyle (Britain's Top Talent)
Friday, April 17, 2009
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
And the moral is.... Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Friday, April 10, 2009
1. Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!
2. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
3. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes annual free trip around the Sun.
4. Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep.
5. Alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who is in a hurry?
6. Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!
7. God made relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends!
8. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting!
10. A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking." "Great," the drunk exclaimed, "When do we get started?"
11. Whom are you working for? Same people. My wife and four kids.
12. I heard you have a cat that can say her own name. Yes, Meow.
13. Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
14. When a wife was asked, "What book do you like best?" she answers: "My husband's cheque book."
15. Girlfriend:" And are you sure you love me and no one else?" Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."
16. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?
17. My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
18. Teacher: Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love!
19. Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No, sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
20. Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
One man replied, "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; The grass is almost a foot high.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Funniest Bank Robbery Ever, funny police escape..
1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.