Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Why I smoke so much ...

Everyone ask me why i smoke so much .....

marijuana smoking kid
I was not like this ..........

I was like this
monk kid
Until I saw this girl
cute baby
I liked her so much that i told a lot of truth and lies to her example "u r soooo cute"
kids in diapers
I promised her a lot..
loving kids
I gave her costly gifts on February 14th.. this one...
wedding gift
I gave her a shock like this when she accepted my proposal...
shocked kid
I used to talk whole night and do this at work...
yawning kid
When ever i go out with my girl friend , My friends used to give me this look
nice looking kid
Then I used to give them a pose like this
happy kid
At last my girl friend gave the roses to me like this... and went away
kid with roses
I didn't know what to do , where to go...
…..then i got my precious ...
drunk kid
.......and i started smoking & drinking...
smoking drinking kid

Funny but true McDonald's Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM. (

NAME: George Ballmun

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Reason: why boys need Mothers

This is for the mother of boys and all you boys of all ages..











ø Get to heaven from Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.


I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"


"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"


Again, the answer was 'No!'


By now I was starting to smile.


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"


Again, they all answered 'No!'


I was just bursting with pride for them.


I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv goat tae be ~Sweary~' deid"

________________________________

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Some good quotes by the comedians

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

Saturday, December 19, 2009

ø Anger Management really does work

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at
my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is
Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a
manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I
found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and
yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'~censored~' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly
called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"
and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so
I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after
calling the first ~censored~ (I had is number on speed dial,) I
thought that I'd better call the BMW ~censored~, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said,
"Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a
yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm
home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a$$hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ~censored~ #1. He said,
"Hello." I said, "You're an ~censored~!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed,
"Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you
live?" I said, "A$$hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in
front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm
really scared, a$$hole," and hung up.

Then I called A$$hole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello,
~censored~," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I
said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a$$," I
answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that
I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my
way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in
Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got
there just in time to watch two ~censored~ beating the crap out
of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The veterinary surgeon

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, The veterinary surgeon pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, The veterinary surgeon shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The veterinary surgeon
rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at The veterinary surgeon with sad eyes and shook his head.

The veterinary surgeon patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The veterinary surgeon looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then veterinary surgeon turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Oh my God : Read this Carefully....

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room,
people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room,
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room,
people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"


She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....On the couch...Bollock naked

Friday, December 4, 2009

Ladies Vs Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you
will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

*************************************************************
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?
*************************************************************
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow! In the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your
feet up anyway.
*************************************************************
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

*************************************************************
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside
of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the sonofabitch
for you.

*************************************************************
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.


Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.

*************************************************************
And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

************************************************************
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

When God created Canada

God went missing for 6 days. Michael the Archangel found God resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor, the Middle East over-there will be a hot spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. "

The Archangel impressed by God's work, and then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance?" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."