Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Twenty hilarious funny quotes

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. (My personal favorite funny quotes)

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

12. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

15. You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

18. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

19. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

20. It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another.

NOT JUST TWENTY HILARIOUS FUNNY QUOTES ANYMORE, YOU'VE GOT MORE ;)

21. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. —John Wilmot

22. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. —Oscar Levant

23. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. —Oscar Wilde

24. I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. —New York City detective

25. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. —Norm Crosby

26. Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. —Kurt Vonnegut

27. Just the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. —Carl Sagan

28. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists. —Jean Rostand

29. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. —Lily Tomlin

30. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. —Richard Lewis

31. We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. —Robert Wilensky

32. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? —Scott Adams

33. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us. —Anon

34. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. —Clarence Darrow

35. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
—Cullen Hightower

36. There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. —Cyril Connolly

37. There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? — Cavett

38. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
—H. L. Mencken

39. I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
—Victor Hugo

40. I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
—Woody Allen
hilarious funny quotes

hilarious funny quotes sayings

cool funny quotes

If these twenty hilarious funny quotes are less, here is the link for more funny quotes 

The twenty hilarious funny quotes post is so popular with my readers that i came up with more funny quotes and funny sayings as bonus for you ..

# Asking a bookworm to name their favorite book is like asking a mother to pick a favorite child...

# Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go.

# I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off.

# Smile, it scares people ..

# A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...Ohh sorry that's wine.... wine does that ..

# I never make stupid mistakes, only very very clever ones...

# Get a tattoo. Don’t worry about regret.

# "HAVE PATIENCE" is the favourite word of LAZY PEOPLE

# 3 people = Threesome, 2 people = Twosome and 1 person = ???? Guess ..!!!! one-some..!! No its hand-some

# Going into the unknown is how you expand what is known.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Good reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Argentina Vs Brazil World Cup 2010 - Must see

Argentina Vs Brazil World Cup 2010 - Must see I wish to see Argentina Vs Brazil in World Cup 2010 final... and i have imagined the match will be like in the picture below...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

20 best funny one-liners

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. sex is not the answer. sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

4. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

5. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

7. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

8. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

10. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

11. His mother never saw the irony in calling him a son-of-a-bitch.

12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

13. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

14. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

15. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

16. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

18. Fighting for peace is like fawking for virginity.

19. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

20. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Deer Camp

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave on their annual hunt, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess whoooo?'"

I pulled her hands off, turned around and looked. She was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

"So, Here I am."

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Natural Hallucination

Try this out, and experience natural hallucination.
Stare at the center, keep your eyes still & look away when instructed.
Don't worry, this isn't one of those lame "something pops up & scares you" videos.

Best viewed in full screen!
Maybe epileptics shouldnt watch it, I won't be responsible for anything.. :)



Have fun and share your 'results'

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Top 5 Funny and Bizarre Football Goals

A collection of top 5 funny and bizarre goals of all time. Enjoy the World Cup 2010 and the funny goals in the video...

Monday, June 14, 2010

2010 FIFA World Cup and Total Solar Eclipse

2010 FIFA World Cup FINAL PLUS Total Solar Eclipse

South Africa - Total Solar Eclipse

- 11 July 2010 - 20:00-22:00max (South Africa)
South Africa - 2010 FIFA World Cup - Final
- 11 July 2010 - 20:30-22:00 - Soccer City, Johannesburg (South Africa)

Question what will happen ?

Total Solar Eclipse + ?Global? Blackout - Flash Forward ?


11.07.2010 - MIX:
- 9/11 2001 - Terrorist Attack (USA) - 11
- 7/7 2005 - Terrorist Attack (UK) - 7
- 2+0+0+1=3 2+0+0+5=7 3+7 = 10
= 11 & 7 & 10 = 11.07.2010

---

SHOW 2010: Shakira – Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)

2010 FIFA World Cup - Final - 11 July 2010 - 20:30
- Winners of Match 61 - Match 64 - Winners of Match 62
- Soccer City, Johannesburg

July 11 (11.07.2010) - Total Solar Eclipse.
South Africa: 20:00-22:00max = 2h ??? / from GIF (Wikipedia) by NASA

Times (UTC)
(P1) Partial begin - 17:09:41
(U1) Total begin - 18:15:15
Greatest eclipse - 19:34:38
(U4) Total end - 20:51:42
(P4) Partial end - 21:57:16

NASA:
Geocentric Conjunction = 19:50:57.5 UT
Greatest Eclipse = 19:33:33.6 UT

Astronomy Calendar of Celestial Events - 2010
http://www.seasky.org/astronomy/astronomy_calendar_2010.html
http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/SEplot/SEplot2001/SE2010Jul11T.GIF
http://eclipse.gsfc.nasa.gov/SEanimate/SE2001/SE2010Jul11T.GIF
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solar_eclipse_of_July_11,_2010
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:SE2010Jul11T.gif
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_FIFA_World_Cup
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_FIFA_World_Cup_Final

FYI: For some this thing may be hilarious for some a serious matter. This is the information making headlines on internet now...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

World Cup 2010 Final and The Funeral

A man had great tickets for the World Cup 2010 Final.


As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting
event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup 2010 Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dear Wife: World Cup 2006

Dear Wife,


1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV in the afternoon, unless they replay a good game that I missed.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.

Thank you for your cooperation.
Your Loving Husband,

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Married Buddies and prescription

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and
says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I
shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go
into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease
into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say,
'How about a bl0wjob?'... and she's always sound asleep."

Prescription

A woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I
never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no
desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a
visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his
office. "Those pills were great Doctor, I'm doing it twice a night now,
sometimes even three times." "That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does you
husband say now?" "I don't know, Doctor," she replied. "He has been away on a
business trip for the past two weeks."

Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Wish

A man was cruising on his Harley up the California coast when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. Of course I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how a woman feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"