Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Monday, November 28, 2011

Chilli joke laugh out loud

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are About To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.

You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ~ Bad Word ~, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilets, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the dunny, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.

He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-~ Bad Word ~!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the toilet, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Woolies. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bas tar ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Pain of Married Men

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in his hand.

The husband appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today” !!!!!!!!!!!

So my question is, Are you man enough to bear the pain ? :) I hope you liked this funny jokes on marriage

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving Quotes and Photos

It was the night of HAPPY THANKSGIVING, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, i tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
but i fought the temptation with all of my mighty.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I went to the kitchen flung the door open,
gazed at the refrigerator, GOODIES galore complete.

Gobbled up turkey and potatoes with butter, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so complete and so round,
"Til suddenly got off the ground.

I stumbled through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
BUT, I managed to yell as I have risen to over TREES ....
Happy eating to all - pass cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty.
May your potatoes and Sauce have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs.

Wish you all have a Wonderful Happy Thanksgiving from Its All Humor

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thirty points to note you are getting older when

I just can't drink the way I used to", replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".

06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.

About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".

All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi and Ho-Ho's

Happy hour is a nap.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You have more hair growing out of your ears than you have on your head.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You have to stop jogging for your health because your thighs rubbing together start your panty hose on fire.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thirty things to avoid hearing in surgery room

Below are thirty things to avoid hearing in surgery room, god i don't want to be in this situation ever...

The left vein's connected to the...right aorta...the left brain's connected to the..stomach bone...

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

I had a bad feeling about this case, but that tarot card reader made me feel much better.

Ah well, you win some, you lose some...

Alright everyone, let's dig in.

Alright, this is our first operation, we should set up some kind of system. Hmmm...I'm thinking we have a sort of good cop, bad cop thing going on...

Alright... today's surgery will be performed by an American doctor...

An instruction manual would have been nice.

And now presenting: "Trading Spaces: Hospital edition!"

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

At least he doesn't have brain damage... Wait... Now he does.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

I've seen his bank balance, and my recommended treatment is euthanasia.

Heehee - that was a good one. Here try this...just give his brain a poke...riiight...there...

Check the fridge... Nope, just beer.

Could you stop that thing from beating

Death is probable... Now it's certain.

Do you see that bag?... You don't want to go in there.

Doctor Hannibal Lector, please come to the operating room, Doctor Hannibal Lector...

Doesn't this remind you of that scene from Family Guy?

God performs miracles... I don't.

Don't worry, ain't nothing a little duct tape won't cure...

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Has anyone here used one of these before?

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Hey! Give that back! There's no law against drinking in the operating room...

If she doesn't last, at least this picture we took will.

Is this patient really here, or is it just my Schizophrenia?

It didn't work on that guy, let's try it with this one.

Look on the bright side, at least his wife won't have to worry about getting pregnant...

Friday, November 18, 2011

Tips for saving money at the cinema

1. Sneak inside of cinema without paying

2. Get a venom snake from the zoo or somewhere and let it loose in the cinema. That will scare everyone from there so you can just walk inside.

3. Find out which magazines print coupons for free tickets and contact people that buy those magazines and ask them to give you coupons for free

4. Scan cinema tickets from others and with little Photoshop editing make them into current valid ones

5. Pretend that you're from film industry and that you came to inspect how they're projecting movies

6. Pretend that you're the plumber or electrician and you came to fix something and then switch robes and watch the movie

7. Dig a tunnel underneath the cinema and when the lights go off you climb up

8. Date a ticket seller or projectionist and blackmail them for free pass.

9. Wait in front of the cinema when people are going out after the movie and ask someone to re-tell you the movie.

10. Come in front of the cinema just when commercials start and say to the guard that you were just in previous projection and that you left your poop in the toilet by mistake because you collect all of your poops since you were 12. When he says that it's already flushed you say that you didn't flush it because you never flush it since you keep it and make a scene. They'll let you in and send someone with you. You come to the toilet and take out rubber poop you have with you and pretend like you're getting it out of the toilet - it will freak out person guarding you to flee so you just proceed to the projecting hall and watch the movie for free.

11.  Burn the building right across the cinema because when firefighters come it will be such a commotion of people going in and out that you'll easily slip in unnoticed.

12. Kill yourself because once you become ghost you'll be able to go trough walls and be invisible. This doesn't even have to be permanent death you can stop your heart in the car just outside the cinema for two hours, just make sure someone comes to revive you.

13. Get a reel box and burst in into the cinema just when film starts shouting that you need to bring this reel to projectionist to the movie you want to see.

14. Climb on the roof of the cinema and enter trough ventilation shaft or chimney.

FYI: These tips are totally for humor purpose only for your entertainment. I came up with these things just to entertain my blog readers. I hereby do not take any responsibility if you happen to follow these tips in real life and you are solely responsible for your own deeds.  Kindly enjoy some more funny quotes and laugh out loud (lol) 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Funny Signs found around the world

In Tianjin province, China

In The United States Of America

When fuel price shot up in USA

In Myanmar

American Neighbourhood

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Top 5 Funny Omegle Conversations

Top 5 Funny Omegle Conversations, you can also try chatting yourself on http://omegle.com/ and have fun.

1. Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You just lost the game.
Stranger: you are ......
You: i’m blond, what’s your excuse?
Stranger: my excuse is that i’m not f..k..p
You: You can’t win the game
You: You just do a little better each time.
Stranger: no, you just get a little bit more ...... each time you talk about it
You: I suppose next you’ll call me gay.
Stranger: no, because i don’t use gay as an insult
You: That’s civilized
Stranger: i agree
You: I believe those who call others gay do so because they fear that they themselves are gay.
You: Makes sense?
Stranger: sometimes
You: Otherwise they’re just a simian crossbreed.
Stranger: other times they are just trying to be cool by saying it, or just say it because they hear others say it and don’t think about what the word means
You: I rest my case.
You: Those people meet all of the previously mentioned criteria.
Stranger: not necessarily
You: They’re also republican.
Stranger: but all republicans are .....
You: Precisely.
You: What is your opinion on Coldplay?
Stranger: they suck overall, but their last album wasn’t half bad, and they have the occasional good song
You: ….
You: You’re gaayy.

2. Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: do u look like pamela anderson?
You: sure
Stranger: shes not my type
Your conversational partner has disconnected. 

3. You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi im a 18 male looking for a dirty girl
You: that’s me
You: Smile
Stranger: asl
You: 17 f miami
Stranger: describe urself
You: i am fat, chubby
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

4. Stranger: hi
You: heyyy
You: do you have sence for humour?
Stranger: no
You: oh
Stranger: i don't have any sense of humour
Stranger: that's true.
You: why is that true?
Stranger: becasue people disconnect with me
You: Are you serious ? I thought sence was with a C
You: You wrote it with a S
You: so now i got to disconnect you, bye.
You have disconnected.

5. you’re now chatting with a random stranger. say hi!
stranger: hi
you: you walk into a room and see a flash what do you do?
stranger: smile
you: unable to see anything, you smiled. someone suddenly thrust something like a microphone in your hands, then walked back into the room. what you do?
stranger: speak
you: you spoke.
you: as the flash thins off, you notice several beaten down and a few dead people in the room, and a staircase going down.
you: you look at your hand and see a small blunt weapon covered in blood.
you: you started to hear police sirens. what you do?
stranger: run
you: you started running. two police officers saw you. they drew their guns and started shooting. what you do?
stranger: ninja
you: you try to ninja your way out. a bullet pierced through your forehead. h_adshot, b_tch.
you: you lost the game.
stranger: lawl

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Funny English Language Conversation

Here i present you some funny english language conversation between students and teachers ……

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls
hostel pulling cigerette... ? "


Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"


once Chinese teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."




don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....


it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried  to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)


teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!


"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Maddy, Married with two kids"


"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and
erased the board


"will you hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"


LIBRARIAN SCOLD ," if you will talk again, i will kneel down outside"


Chemistry HOD comes and tells us....

"My aim is to study my son and my daughter"


Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father


"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"


Lab assistant said this when my ..........................
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??


Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Brief humor for entertainment

Policeman at the beach
A policeman sent his wife and children off the sea and after a he joined them.

He came to the hotel and come upon a woman.

- Oh dear, the children were in another room, we can not do it here.

- You're right, let's go to the beach.

After five minutes, the beach at sunset start passionately making love.

While the lovers' embrace, next to them they see a police officer.

- Shame on you, quickly dress, do not do such things in public.

- Excuse me - said the husband - this was a moment of weakness, we have not seen all week.

You know I am a police officer too and it would be inconvenient to charge me a penalty.

- OK, you're colleagues and you are forgiven, but h00 kers charge money because it is the third time this week!

The Three friends

The three friends agreed that it will be a surprise for his men, dressed in sadomasochisticleather outfit, heels and a black blindfold and see the reaction .... One had a spouse, loversecond, third wife. After a few days ...

- Bride: When he saw me he was furious, then looked at me lovingly, said that a woman's life andall night we made ​​love passionately!

- Mistress: When he saw me immediately grabbed me and we have to exhaustion praĊĦili the morning!

- Wife: When he came home from work, looked at me questioningly and said - "Hey, Zorro,what's for dinner?

A Serbian and a Croatian
A Serb and Croat dies and come to St.Peter.
 Where are you guys from? - He asks them.
• Serbia.
• Croatia.
 Auuuuuu ... however you do not have anything to tell me, you are infidels, sinners, ... both go to hellOnly, the Balkans is a bit undefined area, so you have a choicewhether in the Western European or Eastern European hell?
 What is the difference?
 Well in Western European morning eat a spoon of shit, and after you are free, and Eastern European as only the food on the cans.
 I have always been oriented towards the west, I am at the West - said Croatian.
 Well, I'm not going to the West, the mother of them burn itgive East - said Serb.
And so they goyetfortunately after a year.
 Sohow is it? - Asks a Serb
 Oh, what to tell you, Eastern Europe like Eastern EuropeSometimes there is no shit, sometimes behind the truck, sometimes no trash, once you bring in these striking ... I have not ever even try ...

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Funny Quotes By Science Exam Students


* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is 
        pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the
        cow instead of the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
        them and makes them perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
        look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and
        the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
        borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
        contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

* "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
        down to make Artificial Perspiration."

* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
        above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
        nearest medical doctor."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water
        tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
        and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
        this fight."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
source of these funny quotes http://parents.berkeley.edu/jokes/science.html 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Baby shark with a single eye

The life imitates art. The baby shark with a single eye in the center of his face found by a fisherman in the Gulf of California was compared to the character "Mike", the animated "Monsters S / A", according to a report of the British newspaper "Sun Sun".

After rumors that the photos were fake or manipulated Mexican experts scrutinized the shark of 56 cm and confirmed that it has such a deformity, which is also found in several mammals.
Cyclops The fetus was in a female shark caught flat-headed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Top 10 Funny Facts About Halloween

1. In 2009,  Halloween costumes sales exceeded 6 billion dollars. Adult Costumes accounted for 62% of sales.

2. After Christmas, Halloween is the biggest holiday commercially.

3. In America during the eighteenth century the end of the harvest was celebrated in late October, wore costumes, eating candy and playing jokes among them.

4. The celebration of Halloween dates back to 2000 years and pagan traditions.

5. The correct spelling in English for Halloween is Hallowe'en.

6. It is said that if you see a spider on Halloween it is a loved one who came to visit.

7. The tradition of wearing masks on Halloween comes from Welsh and Celtic customs which involved of the dead visit the living on October 31. The masks were intended to deceive the people and prevent recognition of the living.

8. The black and orange are traditional Halloween colors, orange represents the fall harvest and black darkness, and the black cats on Halloween got a bad reputation because it was believed that witches were subordinates who protected the powers of evil.

9. 86% of Americans decorate their homes in celebration of Halloween.

10. About 99% of pumpkins sold during the season are used to make the famous Jack O'Lantern.