Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Funny Telephone Conversation

The following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'

Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

RS: ' Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'

G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: 'What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'

RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

G: 'What?'

RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

G: 'I don't think so.'

RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'

G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RS: 'Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RS: 'We bodder?'

G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'

RS: 'Wad! ?'

G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'

RS: 'Copy?'

G: 'Excuse me?'

RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'

RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'

G: 'Whatever you say.'

RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'

G : 'You're very welcome.'

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How Technology Changed Our Lives












We all believe this is happening at our lives because of the technology we use .... 

Monday, December 26, 2011

In Prison Vs At Work

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .
AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..


IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviours.
AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behaviours with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..
AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet .
AT WORK
you have to share .

IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Hmmm?

Which Sounds Better?
So what are you waiting for.........


Go Kill Your Boss

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Hilarious Naughty Questions and Answers

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
********************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************

Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Hilarious Jokes for Entertainment

Q. how did the blonde girl try to kill the bird?
A. she threw it off a cliff

- A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...
FRRE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! so the guy asks the barteder what the test is.

bartender replies "well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. second, there's a gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with you bare hands. third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. you gotta make things right for her. "the guy says, " well , as much as i would love the free beer, i won't do it. you have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper taquila and then get crazier from there.

well, as time goas on and the man drinks a few, he asks, " wherez zat teegeelah?"

he grabs the gallon of teguilla white both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the mmost frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. the man stagger back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"now" he says "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

- a guy named benny is sitting in a bar mounthing off that he knows everybody. so his buddy bets 10$ the next peron to walk in the bar didn't know him.

somebody walks in the bar and says "hey benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. so they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says " hey benny how ar things going?"

flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the presedident. so they drive up to the white house and security gaurd says " benny you know you can't just show up here like this." then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "hey benny how have you been?"

so then he bets $1000 he doesn't know the pope. so they take a plane down to rome and he says "ok now watch up there on that balcony i'm gonna come out there with the pope." so he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. he goes down there and says "are you that suprised that i know the pope?" he goes "no somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with benny!"

- two guys in a bar are watching the TV. there is a news report about a man who treatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. one guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". the other guy takes the bet, and the guy on tv ends up jumping. the guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. the loser says "well i saw it too buy i didn't think he would jump again"

You can find some more hilarious funny jokes here 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Letter for Passport Renewal

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1987, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For goodness sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Julie Blank, my father's name is Chris and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this ~lol~! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal bottom workin' there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a ~love~ whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some bottom to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen.

P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Steve's Attorney and his Gambling Problem

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Steve. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Steve says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Steve removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Steve says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Steve isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Steve removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Steve's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Steve asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Steve stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Steve's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Steve told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Big Bang Theory Stars in Chinese Avatar

If  "The Big Bang Theory" main stars or cast list  Johnny Galecki AKA Leonard Hofstadter, Jim Parsons AKA Sheldon Cooper, Kaley Cuoco AKA Penny, Simon Helberg AKA Howard, Kunal Nayyar AKA Rajesh Koothrappali, Melissa Rauch AKA Bernadette Rostenkowski and Mayim Bialik AKA Amy Farrah Fowler get to act in the Chinese version of  "The Big Bang Theory" AKA  "大爆炸理论" this would how they look in Chinese costumes. Enjoy the pictures...











This post is meant to be purely for entertainment, if you find it somehow unethical/abusive kindly leave a comment to remove the funny photos from this post. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Funny Christmas Song

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a Vegeterian

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Christmas is all around us, Merry Christmas 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Wall of Bubblegum in California

The wall is not a random collection of gooey gums, some people in San Luis Obispo consider the wall a form of art. One can see an array of shapes, words and designs - there are faces and flowers, fraternity and sorority letters, and "I love SLO" spelled out in different colors and sizes. A closer glance at the gum-infested wall will expose an abundance of objects, such as pennies and dimes, sticking out of the wall as eyes for gum faces.
If you are squeamish and easily disgusted, never walk along Bubblegum Alley and don’t touch the walls because lining the walls on this alley is a thick layer of over-chewed sticky bubble gums. This local tourist landmark is located in downtown San Luis Obispo, California. The wall in question is 15-foot high and stretches for 70-foot along the alley. This dude needs to get a safety mask.
Trying to find the Bubblegum which he contributed to this Bubblegum wall when he was a kid.
According to the San Luis Obispo Chamber of Commerce and Downtown Business Improvement Association, the history of who actually started this gum fiesta is a little sketchy. In any case, by the 1970s Bubblegum Alley was well under way. When shop owners complained that it was "unsanitary and disgusting", the alley underwent a full cleaning. The gum graffiti survived two full cleanings in the '70s, but when, in 1996, the BIA attempted to have another full cleaning, it was not passed.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Interesting and Funny Facts

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (Guys you wanna be pig in your next life right :) )

Cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.  (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  ( I want quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out ?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Funny Questions Funny Things To Enjoy

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has

wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Where is the cat in the catwalk?

Do models walk like cats?

Which idiot put an 's' in the word lisp?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Y2K???? maybe 1 K just wasn't enough.

If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?

Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Wonder what would be the speed of lightning if it didn't zigzag?

Why do sky divers wear helmets ?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does it wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go for "get away from it all"?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How many times do you use a disposable razor?

Why do banks charge you an 'insufficient funds' fee for money they already know you don't have?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?

If our knees bent the other way, how would a chair look like?

If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?
If you are in a vehicle going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?

When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?

Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain? 

Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?

Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?

Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

What is the speed of dark?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

I live on a one-way dead-end street. Makes sense ?

What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?

If  these funny questions and funny things are not enough for your dose of  humor, kindly enjoy funny quotes here http://itshumour.blogspot.com/2010/06/twenty-hilarious-funny-quotes.html

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Funny Cool Merry Christmas Sayings Quotes


Well, Christmas is around the corner and i guess you might like funny cool merry christmas sayings quotes which i have collected here from various sources so you can wish your friends or joke with them.  Merry Christmas !!

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning.

Santa saw your Facebook photos. You're getting clothes and a dictionary for this Christmas - Santa Claus

Dear Santa, this year all i want is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Let's try not to mix up the two like you did last year, Ok ;)

How to open the buds of Barbara branch until Christmas, so let the man open up to the next light.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

A candle can burn once and really take the time to do anything further than this

Need to make Christmas purchases in crowded stores, causing Santa claustrophobia

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids to pay for it.

The goose to the priest: "Father, please tell me the truth, is there a life after Christmas?"

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

The most difficult task of the father for Christmas:
make the children understand that he is Santa Claus, and give the woman realized that he is not.

As God's child in the crib of straw, lay the heaven has kissed the earth.

A comfortable home, a glass of wine, a good roast -. by candlelight in abundance satisfaction
! and a merry Christmas

A kind word costs nothing, and yet it is the most beautiful of all gifts .

People that buys the football tickets for three months in advance and waiting with the Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve.

Christmas time! Who speaks of victory? Is standing on it!

I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to pick it up throughout the year.
(quote from Charles Dickens)

Gift means a different type something you would prefer to retain.

Actually, Christmas is a time of peace and reflection. However, then someone came up with the idea that there must be gifts.

Christmas is a feast of friends. Unfortunately there is far too little laugh.

When Christmas bells are ringing, the devil himself is mild.

We want to wish you a saint festivals of beauty, the fairest, the best of the good!

Be together in peace, to have time for each other, give love and warmth is, each to be light,
tell each other: "It's Christmas"

I wish you a Merry Christmas with snow and starry nights - and instead of a plastic tree real
with red apples in the trees. I wish you a Merry Christmas in native walls, and dry wood to the fire for a cozy warm nest.

'The market was very quiet as most investors did not want to take a significant position before the Christmas holidays.'

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Frank McKinney Hubbard