Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Funny questions which don't have answer

What is the speed of darkness?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Friday, October 12, 2012

Tips to survive in a Scary Movie

Rules:

If the room has blood, chains and tools in it, for heavens sake - don't walk into it.

if you hear a noise...do not investigate

if the lights go out...do not go try and fix the fuse

do not leave your curtains open

Never walk backwards
Don' t ever, ever have sex

A world where all white women are extinct is scary enough

Don't be a virgin
Don't be drunk
oh, and don't be a black guy.
Don't go downstairs
Don't run through the woods
Don't go back to help someone who falls
Don't go in the basement or attic

Don't go to sleep

Don't watch the tv (especially if a little girl is crawling out of a well)

Don't open any boxes or closet doors

Don't look out the window

woods, avoid them
also, farms

also avoid:
old camp grounds
country houses away from civilization

If something scary is happening, for god's sake GET THE FORK OUT OF THERE! Don't just stand there looking at it! 

Avoid waiting 28 weeks.

Avoid Freddy (hence never fall asleep).

Don't go swimming in the water.

Don't answer the door late at night.

Never, ever go investigate a strange noise.

Don't summon the dead.

Don't go swimming at night.

Don't flash your lights at cars driving at night with their lights off.

Don't show a weird video tape with a loved one.

Don't hide under a bed.

Don't be blonde beautiful and a cheerleader-

Don't be a night watchman in a morgue, doll factory or any human science lab-

Don't even be vaguely humourful, funny people always end up dead near the end-

Don't have sex, discuss sex or try to encourage anyone else to have sex-

Don't go back to save a friend, you will only get your other friends killed-

Don't go into the disused mental hospital for a dare-

Don't try to flirt with a woman on a boat that's been adrift for over 40yrs. unless she came on your boat with you-

Don't adopt weird little Orphans that can play the Piano and paint like Monet-
Don't go into the bathroom and lock the door! 

Don't drive alone at night (and if you do, always check the back seat before you get in the car!!)

Don't answer the phone over and over again if the first message is "have you checked the children."

Don't fall asleep EVER....

Don't say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror.

Don't celebrate Halloween.

Don't remember what you did last summer ;p

Don't videotape the paranormal.

Don't go on a witch hunt.

Never look under the bed

Never look behind the shower curtain

Never go anywhere without a cell phone a gun and some duck tape.

Don't count on the police or any form of law enforcement to save you

Don't walk around in a parking garage by yourself.

Don't touch the leprechaun's pot of gold.

Don't say the name CandyMan 5x while in the bathroom in front of the mirror with the lights off. 

A comet falls outta the sky and land/crashes close to you. Don't walk up on it and poke it with a stick.

Don't bury you loved ones in an old Indian burial ground.

When it gets around the anniversary time of when the killings happen, GTFO of dodge.
Stay as far away from the intended target as possible.
If you do go somewhere make sure there is good reception (for cell phone usage).
Travel in groups, as your friend Billy with the limp will increase your chance of survival

Become the hunter. Turning the tables on the monster, psycho or supernatural force will take them off guard, giving you the advantage. Remember, they don't expect you to fight back!

Conquer any fear of heights. As you may need to climb some 30 feet or so up a ladder to get to safety.

When going camping or visiting a tourist attraction, LISTEN to the crazy old man or lady telling stories of legend about a crazed killer with a hook for a hand. Because it's probably true.

Avoid guys with leather masks & chainsaws in Texas 

If you're drinking by yourself, get rid of the bottle. I watched that shitty Sorority Row movie and this chick laid down on the couch and as she took a sip, the killer punched that bottle down her throat. The alcohol proceeded to drain down her throat. It was one of those hell long bottles too. It was brutal and bad arss. 

Don't hang out with white high school or college kids. Do this, and you won't have to give a damn about these other rules, because you won't be the one getting chased by some dude that know what you did last summer.

If the killer has a mask you find funny, even though he has a weapon in his hand, don't poke at him and give him shit. He's gonna give you plenty of shit in a few seconds.

If you are told about some urban legend like Candyman, believe in it and do nothing past that.





Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Never Hire a Man to do a Woman's Job

Never Hire a Man to do a Woman's Job...

A few months ago, there was a job opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Monday, October 8, 2012

British English Vs Asian English

Our english is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc....... Who got time for grammer, punctuation and others ... Simple and straight

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Asian : S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Asian : No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Asian : (pointing the door) can AR?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Asian : Don't be shy, lah!  (Singaporean english aka singlish)

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Asian : Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Asian : Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Asian : You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! Lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Asian : Shut up lah!  (Singaporean english aka singlish)

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Asian : See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Asian : Die-lah!! (Singaporean english aka singlish)

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Asian : Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Asian : like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Asian : get lost ....

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Don't try this at home

ok look when i whas a little boy i loved

(pollitos) thats mexican or spanish for

chiks  not girls but little yellow
chikends  i am not sure what to call them

u know the ones that just came out of an egg

ok so 1 day i learned that this chiks besides
if a big chiken sit's on them they can be made

with some mahine that warms eggs and i thought that whas pretty cool

i whas just a little kid and i had no money for a machine like that

and i had no money to buy a chick

but of course i had lots of eggs

so after sqashing a couple on mi butt for 2 hours and nothin

i remembered that machine so i remembered what it suposed to do

so i decided to put the egg on the microwave

those really old microwaves that went clink

like a bell wen they finish

not digital and it whas a huge i mean huge microwave

i had little eggs left so i decided to use just 1

ok so i put it in and set it on 10 min on high

and im watching tru the window the egg spining around and around

1 hing i forgot to mention is that

the microwave whas on top of the refrigirator

and i had to use a chair and stan on mi toes

ok so its almost 7 min and then the egg starts to move

and i whas geting very very ansius or something like that

i had a huge smile on mi face but...
then out of nowhere

the egg exploded like a bomb

and i when like... WTF i almost felt down

and i wanted to cry beacose i thought i killed it

but that whas the least of mi worryes beacose

mi mom went to the corner to buy some tortillas

tortillas are the ones u make tacos and burritos around here

ok so i know im gona get a big woop a**

so i tried to remove the egg but it whas to hot

so i trow in some water and smoke started to come out

and made some sparks i hought it whas going to be flames

so i remembered that baking pouder its used to put out flames but

i didint know what it looked liked so then

since when i whas little i wanted to be a fire man i remembered that peopel roll over

the floor when they are on fire... so i thought dirt puts out fire also

so i went into the yard and got some dirst and i trow it in there also

i was so scared that i decided to just close it and hide on the bath room and close the door but...

then i decided o go watch some black and white tv so i left the door open

when mi mom came back and yelled..
WHO LEFT THE DOOR OPEN

and she see the big mess.. i play
dumb hu.. what?

what hapend here i say..

and she ask if i did that
and i said

wow i think somebody came in and did this

but then i looked so scared that i got
a big woop ass

but it whas worth it beacose 2 months later i got 8 pesos and i bought me a chick

and i realised a chick its not a good house pet

Shi**s all over makes lots of sound all day and all night chip chip chip
non stop more then a baby

they look cute but bealive me u dont want one

and sooner or later they are gona eat it

but that whas not the case here

beacose i did 1 more mistake like i alwais do

i tried to introduce mi lil chick to my cat

i told mi sister to hold the cat good

but unfortunatly she didint

good bye chick i will alwais remember you

i didint eat chiken for 3 years

but now i do.