Its All Humor

Everyone ask me why i smoke so much ..... I was not like this .......... I was like this Until I saw this girl I liked her so much that i told a lot of truth and lies to her example "u r soooo cute" I promised her a lot.. I gave her costly gifts on February 14th.. this one... I gave her a shock like this when she accepted my proposal... I used to talk whole night and do this at work... When ever i go out with my girl friend , My friends used to give me this look Then I used to give them a pose like this At last my girl friend gave the roses to me like this... and went away I didn't know what to do , where to go... …..then i got my precious ... .......and i started smoking & drinking...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM. ( NAME: George Ballmun DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PR...

This is for the mother of boys and all you boys of all ages..

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv goat tae be ~Sweary~' deid" ________________________________ Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler "Ever wonder i...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude . When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon . As she lay her pet on the table, The veterinary surgeon pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest . After a moment or two, The veterinary surgeon shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The veterinary surgeon rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever . As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at The veterinary surgeon with sad eyes and shook his head. The veterinary surgeon...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ' Father '." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop . When he walks into a room, people call him ' Your Grace '." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal . When he enters a room, everyone says ' Your Eminence '." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope . When he walks into a room, people call him ' Your Holiness '." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24 " waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, " Oh My God ."

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone' Happy Birthday.' I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me? I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let...

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." ************************************************************* Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares? ************************************************************* Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow! In the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway...

God went missing for 6 days. Michael the Archangel found God resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor, the Middle East over-there will be a hot spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. " The Archangel impressed by Go...