Its All Humor

I would like to wish my blog readers a very Happy New Year 2011 , may the new year bring you prosperity and wealth. Happy New Year 2011... I hope your start of the New Year is going on good unlike the kid in the picture below who had bad start of the New Year with blood on face...

Whats is marketing? What is spam? Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up: You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and

Santa lives at the North Pole ... JESUS is everywhere. Santa rides in a sleigh ... JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water. Santa comes but once a year ... JESUS is an ever present help. Santa fills your stockings with goodies ... JESUS supplies all your needs. Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ... JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited. You have to wait in line to see Santa ... JESUS is as close as the mention of His name. Santa lets you sit on his lap ... JESUS lets you rest in His arms. Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ... JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ... JESUS has a heart full of love. All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ... JESUS offers hea

The real life sniper....

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer! In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking

While working with Mr.Simon, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He is always deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding, and should on no account be dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr.Simon should be pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be sent away as soon as possible. Branch Manager A second note following the report: Mr.Simon was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,....... for my true assessment of him. Regards, Branch Manager

Youths before and today... Game play before and today... Makeup style before and today... Logo designs before and today... Letters before and today... Kamikaze before and today... Jeans style before and today... Hot-dogs before and today... Hand techniques before and today... Eggs before and today... Dog walking styles before and today... Dog houses before and today... Comedians before and today... Chess game before and today... Cell phone games before and today... Chernobyl before and today... Breakfast before and today... Body builders before and today... Autograph signing before and today...

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?" Mrs. Jones tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the b*tches!" High Tech Man A man walks in

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees. They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man! Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man’s head. Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…” HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin in the mou

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And

A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest son came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well," the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter." Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. The father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a ten-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse! of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage wher

A groom and his newly wed wife go to the Hilton hotel on their honeymoon. They check in at the front desk, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the entire night. The next morning, at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" "Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom replies, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me six fried eggs, nine sausages, 12 slices of toast, and six liters of orange juice." Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?" Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?&q

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club . A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 hot models . I saw one I really liked." MAN : " How much ? " WOMAN : " $70,000 " MAN: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the options!" WOMAN: "Thank you honey" Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer." WOMAN: "They're asking $750,000." MAN: " G

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:- Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't s

In Melbourne, one of the radio stations paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $3000.00. She said: I was due later that week for an appointment with my gynecologist when early one morning I received a phone call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my night gown, wet the wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, making sure I was presentable. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for

Sheikh's Son (Nasser) goes to Germany to study. A month later, Nasser sends an e-mail to his Dad saying: Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes , when all my Teachers travel by train. Your Son, Nasser Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad: Loving son, Please stop embarrassing us, Forty Million Dollars transferred to your account, go and get a train for yourself too. Tons of love, Your Dad ;)

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." Women are very mean.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there. She replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills ." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Keith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills ?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." Very Happy Very Happy :D

Aloy: Why is making love so enjoyable? PCK: Aiya, ah boy, enjoyable bcos, jus like when you dig your nose with your finger ma! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aloy: Do you think women enjoy sex more than men? PCK: Of course woman lah! When you dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aloy: Why do women hate it when they get raped? PCK: Aiya! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not? Eh? Don't pray pray ah? Aloy: Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses? PCK: Oi!! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh? Siao ah? Use your Blain, use your blain… ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aloy: Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love? PCK: Eh, when you dig yo

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shiit inside!"

The Darwin awards are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2004. RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. RUNNER-UP A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space for her car. Understandably, he shot her. RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered th

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, '$500 Porsche! New!' The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke......... but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. 'Wow!' the man said, 'Can I take it for a test drive?' 'Sure,' answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, 'Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?' Then the lady replied....with a laugh My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.''

We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intima

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.” So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men her

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom. 'Julia!', he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an ~censored~.'

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two year old's are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him after wards. Good Luck !!! DAY ONE: Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a ni

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school . Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute. Q: What is the