Its All Humor

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving ...

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are About To LAUGH OUT LOUD. Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff . You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!! I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in his hand. The husband appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughte...

It was the night of HAPPY THANKSGIVING , but I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, i tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white, but i fought the temptation with all of my mighty. Tossing and turning with anticipation, thought of a snack became infatuation. So, I went to the kitchen flung the door open, gazed at the refrigerator, GOODIES galore complete. Gobbled up turkey and potatoes with butter, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so complete and so round, "Til suddenly got off the ground. I stumbled through the ceiling, floating into the sky, With mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie. BUT, I managed to yell as I have risen to over TREES .... Happy eating to all - pass cranberries, please. May your stuffing be tasty. May your potatoes and Sauce have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious. May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs. Wish you all have a Wonderful Hap...

I just can't drink the way I used to", replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again". 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff". A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm. About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief". All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments." Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. Everything hurts and what doesn...

Below are thirty things to avoid hearing in surgery room , god i don't want to be in this situation ever... The left vein's connected to the...right aorta...the left brain's connected to the..stomach bone... Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. I had a bad feeling about this case, but that tarot card reader made me feel much better. Ah well, you win some, you lose some... Alright everyone, let's dig in. Alright, this is our first operation, we should set up some kind of system. Hmmm...I'm thinking we have a sort of good cop, bad cop thing going on... Alright... today's surgery will be performed by an American doctor... An instruction manual would have been nice. And now presenting: "Trading Spaces: Hospital edition!" And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. Anyone see where I left that scalpel? At least he doesn't have brain damage... Wait... Now he does. Better save that. We'll need it for the...

1. Sneak inside of cinema without paying 2. Get a venom snake from the zoo or somewhere and let it loose in the cinema. That will scare everyone from there so you can just walk inside. 3. Find out which magazines print coupons for free tickets and contact people that buy those magazines and ask them to give you coupons for free 4. Scan cinema tickets from others and with little Photoshop editing make them into current valid ones 5. Pretend that you're from film industry and that you came to inspect how they're projecting movies 6. Pretend that you're the plumber or electrician and you came to fix something and then switch robes and watch the movie 7. Dig a tunnel underneath the cinema and when the lights go off you climb up 8. Date a ticket seller or projectionist and blackmail them for free pass. 9. Wait in front of the cinema when people are going out after the movie and ask someone to re-tell you the movie. 10. Come in front of the cinem...

In Tianjin province, China In The United States Of America When fuel price shot up in USA In Myanmar American Neighbourhood

Top 5 Funny Omegle Conversations , you can also try chatting yourself on http://omegle.com/ and have fun. 1. Connecting to server… You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You: You just lost the game. Stranger: you are ...... You: i’m blond, what’s your excuse? Stranger: my excuse is that i’m not f..k..p You: You can’t win the game You: You just do a little better each time. Stranger: no, you just get a little bit more ...... each time you talk about it You: I suppose next you’ll call me gay. Stranger: no, because i don’t use gay as an insult You: That’s civilized Stranger: i agree You: I believe those who call others gay do so because they fear that they themselves are gay. You: Makes sense? Stranger: sometimes You: Otherwise they’re just a simian crossbreed. Stranger: other times they are just trying to be cool by saying it, or just say it because they hear others say it and don’t think about what the word means You: I rest my case. You: Those peo...

Here i present you some funny english language conversation between students and teachers …… Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? " ============== Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!" ============== once Chinese teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.." ============== "..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.." ============== don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down..... ============== it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried  to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on) ============== teacher in a furious mood... write down ur name and father of ur name!! ============== "shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around ============== My man...

Policeman at the beach A policeman   sent   his wife and children   off the sea and   after a he  joined them . He came   to the hotel   and come upon   a woman. - Oh   dear , the children were   in another room , we can not   do   it here . -   You're right , let's go   to the beach. After five   minutes,   the   beach   at sunset   start   passionately   making love. While   the   lovers' embrace ,   next to them   they see a   police officer. -   Shame on you , quickly   dress,   do not do   such things   in public. - Excuse me   -   said the   husband   - this   was a moment   of weakness , we have not   seen   all week . You know   I am   a police officer  too  and it would be   inconvenient   to   charge   me   a penalty. -   OK , you're ...

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL FUNNY QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS STUDENTS: * "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." * "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." * "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." * "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." * "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." * "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a,...

The life imitates art . The baby shark with a single eye in the center of his face found by a fisherman in the Gulf of California was compared to the character "Mike", the animated "Monsters S / A" , according to a report of the British newspaper "Sun Sun". After rumors that the photos were fake or manipulated Mexican experts scrutinized the shark of 56 cm and confirmed that it has such a deformity, which is also found in several mammals. Cyclops The fetus was in a female shark caught flat-headed.

1. In 2009,   Halloween costumes sales exceeded 6 billion dollars. Adult Costumes accounted for 62% of sales. 2. After Christmas, Halloween is the biggest holiday commercially. 3. In America during the eighteenth century the end of the harvest was celebrated in late October, wore costumes, eating candy and playing jokes among them. 4. The celebration of Halloween dates back to 2000 years and pagan traditions. 5. The correct spelling in English for Halloween is Hallowe'en. 6. It is said that if you see a spider on Halloween it is a loved one who came to visit. 7. The tradition of wearing masks on Halloween comes from Welsh and Celtic customs which involved of the dead visit the living on October 31. The masks were intended to deceive the people and prevent recognition of the living. 8. The black and orange are traditional Halloween colors, orange represents the fall harvest and black darkness, and the black cats on Halloween...