Its All Humor

What is the speed of darkness? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? How is it that we put man o

Rules: If the room has blood, chains and tools in it, for heavens sake - don't walk into it. if you hear a noise...do not investigate if the lights go out...do not go try and fix the fuse do not leave your curtains open Never walk backwards Don' t ever, ever have sex A world where all white women are extinct is scary enough Don't be a virgin Don't be drunk oh, and don't be a black guy. Don't go downstairs Don't run through the woods Don't go back to help someone who falls Don't go in the basement or attic Don't go to sleep Don't watch the tv (especially if a little girl is crawling out of a well) Don't open any boxes or closet doors Don't look out the window woods, avoid them also, farms also avoid: old camp grounds country houses away from  civilization If something scary is happening, for god's sake GET THE FORK OUT OF THERE! Don't just stand there looking at it!  Avoid waiting 28 weeks. Avoid Freddy (hence neve

Never Hire a Man to do a Woman's Job... A few months ago, there was a job opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Wel

Our english is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc....... Who got time for grammer, punctuation and others ... Simple and straight WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you. Asian : No Stock. RETURNING A CALL Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago? Asian : Hello, who page? ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY . Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way? Asian : S-kew me WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me. Asian : No-need, lah. WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door? Asian : (pointing the door) can AR? WHEN ENTERTAINING Britons: Please make yourself right at home. Asian : Don't be shy, lah!    (Singaporean english aka singlish)

ok look when i whas a little boy i loved (pollitos) thats mexican or spanish for chiks  not girls but little yellow chikends  i am not sure what to call them u know the ones that just came out of an egg ok so 1 day i learned that this chiks besides if a big chiken sit's on them they can be made with some mahine that warms eggs and i thought that whas pretty cool i whas just a little kid and i had no money for a machine like that and i had no money to buy a chick but of course i had lots of eggs so after sqashing a couple on mi butt for 2 hours and nothin i remembered that machine so i remembered what it suposed to do so i decided to put the egg on the microwave those really old microwaves that went clink like a bell wen they finish not digital and it whas a huge i mean huge microwave i had little eggs left so i decided to use just 1 ok so i put it in and set it on 10 min on high and im watching tru the window the egg spining around and around 1 hing i forgot to mention is