Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Why I smoke so much ...

Everyone ask me why i smoke so much .....

marijuana smoking kid
I was not like this ..........

I was like this
monk kid
Until I saw this girl
cute baby
I liked her so much that i told a lot of truth and lies to her example "u r soooo cute"
kids in diapers
I promised her a lot..
loving kids
I gave her costly gifts on February 14th.. this one...
wedding gift
I gave her a shock like this when she accepted my proposal...
shocked kid
I used to talk whole night and do this at work...
yawning kid
When ever i go out with my girl friend , My friends used to give me this look
nice looking kid
Then I used to give them a pose like this
happy kid
At last my girl friend gave the roses to me like this... and went away
kid with roses
I didn't know what to do , where to go...
…..then i got my precious ...
drunk kid
.......and i started smoking & drinking...
smoking drinking kid

Funny but true McDonald's Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM. (

NAME: George Ballmun

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Reason: why boys need Mothers

This is for the mother of boys and all you boys of all ages..











ø Get to heaven from Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.


I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"


"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"


Again, the answer was 'No!'


By now I was starting to smile.


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"


Again, they all answered 'No!'


I was just bursting with pride for them.


I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv goat tae be ~Sweary~' deid"

________________________________

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Some good quotes by the comedians

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

Saturday, December 19, 2009

ø Anger Management really does work

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at
my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is
Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a
manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I
found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and
yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'~censored~' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly
called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"
and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so
I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after
calling the first ~censored~ (I had is number on speed dial,) I
thought that I'd better call the BMW ~censored~, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said,
"Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a
yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm
home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a$$hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ~censored~ #1. He said,
"Hello." I said, "You're an ~censored~!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed,
"Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you
live?" I said, "A$$hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in
front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm
really scared, a$$hole," and hung up.

Then I called A$$hole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello,
~censored~," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I
said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a$$," I
answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that
I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my
way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in
Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got
there just in time to watch two ~censored~ beating the crap out
of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The veterinary surgeon

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, The veterinary surgeon pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, The veterinary surgeon shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The veterinary surgeon
rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at The veterinary surgeon with sad eyes and shook his head.

The veterinary surgeon patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The veterinary surgeon looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then veterinary surgeon turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Oh my God : Read this Carefully....

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room,
people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room,
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room,
people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"


She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....On the couch...Bollock naked

Friday, December 4, 2009

Ladies Vs Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you
will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

*************************************************************
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?
*************************************************************
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow! In the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your
feet up anyway.
*************************************************************
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

*************************************************************
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside
of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the sonofabitch
for you.

*************************************************************
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.


Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.

*************************************************************
And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

************************************************************
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

When God created Canada

God went missing for 6 days. Michael the Archangel found God resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor, the Middle East over-there will be a hot spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. "

The Archangel impressed by God's work, and then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance?" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

Monday, November 30, 2009

Travel company client humor

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

How to watch youtube without internet

This is the simplest way to watch youtube without internet connection at any part of the world..
I wouldn't say "Don't Try This At Home" :)



Thursday, November 26, 2009

Help is at hand

Dear John

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV.
My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.


I hope this helps,

John

Employee evaluation quotes about real life

These employee evaluation quotes about life were taken from actual performance evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."


These quotes are actual lines from military performance appraisals.

1. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

2. A room temperature IQ.

3. Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

4. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

6. Bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

8. He so dense, light bends around him.

9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

11. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. 12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Who said English was easy

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
Get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
Recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm
goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Childrens Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these childrens science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Thursday, November 19, 2009

How to scare your neighbors

1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books, lamps, etc.)

4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically.

5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.

9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Rules of Marketing

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - *That's Direct Marketing.*

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - * That's Advertising.*

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - * That's Telemarketing.*

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - * That's Public Relations.*

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - * That's Brand Recognition.*

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I am very rich. Marry me! "She gives you a nice hard slap on your face."- * That's Customer Feedback*

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.- * That's demand and supply gap*

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him. -* That's competition eating into your market share*

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - * That's restriction for entering new markets*

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hilarious things by people on internet

How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the f$$$ing plants

Friend: Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z wait, shit.

My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert. Just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating, so she calls me a pervert again?!? There is no justice in the world...

Facebook keeps giving me targeted ads for gay social networking sites, and telling
me where I can meet "hot gay men in my area." I am a straight female.

I walked by a really big guy on a bike the other day. He yelled, "GET OUT OF THE WAY." He was on an exercise bike at the gym.

It was either going to be the best orrgsm I ever had, or I was going to shit myself. I played it safe and made him stop.

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that @nel s3x is nice because it works on all genders.

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Girls and windows Vs Boys and Linux

Girls and Windows
Both have a great UI(User Interface).
Both consume large resources and do less work.
Both crash unexpectedly.
Both are not easily portable on different architectures (environment).
Both can't work on low resource architectures (environment).
Both are costly to maintain.
Both give mostly unexpected outputs.
Both working often contradicts with their documentation.
Both are easily prone to viruses (rumors and doubts) (and they (viruses) do spread very fast in windows based networks).
In spite of all above disadvantages, both are liked very much.

Boys and Linux
Both have an average UI(User Interface).
Both are robust.
Both are highly secure.
Both can be easily modified to support new concepts/features.
Both are efficient.
Both are easily portable to any architecture (environment) no matter how low are resources.
You can easily guess the output for your input (in Linux just open its code, for boys they are mostly transparent by nature).
Both provide large support for development (work environment).
Both are poorly documented.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Call centre bloopers

Telesales agent getting the customer's credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Agent answering a call:
Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince..... (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client-- a DirecTV dealer).
Customer: So, I called the wrong number then?
Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go.... (puts the customer on hold, and then)... Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent wrapping up the sale:
Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules...
Customer: Uhm.... say what, now. Who's gonna call me?
Agent: The INSTALLATORS, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent getting coupon code from customer:
Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It's a bunch of letters.
Customers: Like ABCs?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California, a plane crashed into a customer's house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much anything under the sun. Isn't that a great offer?
Customer: What?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in Boy?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma'am, let me just pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call centers to address the customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Tech Support: Okay, Bob, just type P on your keyboard?
Customer: What? Could you repeat that?
Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: No way. I'm not going to do that.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say "F***k you!" here...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra)
Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Tech support: We're going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K. .. that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly.. D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly... got it?

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally,the guys' side of the story.
(must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!



1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1.. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us...

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

English is silly

Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Quotes from Einstein

* "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

* "Imagination is more important than knowledge."

* "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

* "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

* "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

* "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

* "The only real valuable thing is intuition."

* "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

* "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."

* "God is subtle but he is not malicious."

* "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

* "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."

* "The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."

* "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

* "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

* "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

* "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."

* "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."

* "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

* "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."

* "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

* "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

* "God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."

* "The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."

* "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."

* "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."

* "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."

* "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we
created them."

* "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

* "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

* "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."

* "Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity."

* "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

* "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

* "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Signs you're all grown-up now

-- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

-- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

-- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

-- You watch the Weather Channel.

-- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

-- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

-- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

-- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

-- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

-- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

-- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

-- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

-- Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.

-- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

-- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

-- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

-- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

-- You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life.

Sleeping Dog

Sleeping Dog

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."

House cleaning hints

--Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

-- Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

-- General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

-- Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Why dogs hate Halloween




Now, we know why dogs hate Halloween so much. Happy Holloween..














Saturday, October 24, 2009

New business meeting email

Sunday, October 18, 2009

What makes 100 percent in life

Ever wonder about all those people who say they are giving more than 100 percent of themselves?

How about achieving 103 percent?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 ...

then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 98 percent (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11)
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 96 percent (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5)

but....

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 100 percent (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5)
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 103 percent (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20)

And look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 118 percent (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7)

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, a little bullshit and some ass kissing will put you over the top.

Ways to annoy telemarketers

Reply to all their questions in song.

As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking relentlessly.

Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.

Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.

Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.

Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.

Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender later tell them they were wrong.

Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat some more.

Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!"

Burst into tears, put the phone down and, "Honey, Don't leave me!"

Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.

When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it occasionally.

In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"

Begin snoring.

Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."

Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"

Start reading them some of your poetry. Then ask if they'd like to buy a book of it.

Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.

Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of their living room.

Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with tails.

Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they are clearly older than you.)

If they say you won something, just say "Thank you, I'm in a hurry right now and cant talk so just send the check"

Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.

Ask them if they will get you a birthday present.

Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five. If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Rabbit and the teacher

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I f**king have 1 at home!!!

A good fishing story

Dave and his buddies were hanging out discussing an upcoming fishing
trip. Unfortunately he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave!!! He was already sitting at the
Campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and
camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to", Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'." When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'
"So I did it and here I am!"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Diary of an AOL user

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Buy fat laptop

Now, its time for people to buy fat laptops

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Pope vs chinese

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the
Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big
uproar from the Chinese community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate
with a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the
Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So
they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent
them. Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the
debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "Neither
side would be allowed to talk". The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah
Peh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope
waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh
pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh
pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too
good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope
asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent
the holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was
all around us."
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that
God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves
all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the
original sin. He had an answer for everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah
Peh.

"What happened?" they asked.
Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all
Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him
f*#k off and not one of us is leaving."

"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of
Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and

I took out mine!!!"

Friday, October 9, 2009

What are these, Dad ?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the

Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factually replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.''Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,

'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,

'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.''WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied

Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.........

Hilarious stuff posted by people

Girl 1: "I just want to let him know I really like him, you know?"
Girl 2: "Well say something like nice to him...like 'I want to feel you in between my thighs' or something."
Girl 1: "Hmmm..."


I walked by a really big guy on a bike the other day. He yelled, "GET OUT OF THE WAY." He was on an exercise bike at the gym.


Girlfriend: "what would you like *wink"
Boyfriend: "Babe, the sexiest thing you could do for me right now is learn to play World of War craft"


My best friends roommates msn status was "My room mate is gone now and I am naked in my living room I feel like a rebel, and kind of cold."



My friend just told me "I rarely wash my hands in public bathrooms because I know the taps are way more dirty than my pen|s."


Today in gym class the teacher yelled "OK everybody, grab your balls!"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Graduate Student Checklist

6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed.

6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out
for the next 6 weeks.

6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.

7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't
hit the snooze button -- you turned it off.

7:01 Fall asleep again.

7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.

7:45 Get ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early
brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign office mate arrived
earlier today must have got more work done.

8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he
is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the
draft due this afternoon.

8:15 Read electronic mail.

8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions
about the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much
work to do today.

9:00 For jump-start: go to Pepsi machine.

9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company
and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.

9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to
your work.

9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself
about your office mate.

9:43 Curse your office mate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
Feel good about him not grasping English well.

9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way
around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)

10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing Tetris last
night.

10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:43 Edit .plan file. Write a shell program to edit .plan more
easily.

10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't
need & and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your
project.

11:05 Perverted daydreams.

11:11 Read electronic news. Midmorning yawn time.

11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend
you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.

11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all
the garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type
more than 256 characters per half minute.

11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department.

11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation.

11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
presentation.

11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost.

11:51 Completely forget about suing the coffee machine company.

12:15 pm Hunger pangs:

12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola
from your desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
bulk cola.

1:00 Group Meeting with advisor.
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness. Resentment towards foreign
office mate for sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your
advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature
survey.

1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections.

1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!

1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
graduation possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities/
and the rest of your life.

1:52:53 Thank him.

1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.

1:53:00 Splitting headache #1.

1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy
to do that.

2:06 More generic cola.

2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonight. Sad

2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through.

2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this
degree program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are
so pretty.

2:48 More perverted daydreams. Close the office door and open a
few .gif files. Sharpen pencil.

3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter -- NOT!
no time for that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you
have any money. Fear of losing aid next fall. Read latex
manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format.

3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight. Vow to
watch only 2 TV programs

4:58 Notice Advisor leave.

4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.

9:00 Come into the office.

9:01 The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the

office late at night to "get the work done."

9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack
those ftp sites since network won't be loaded. Run into "since
network won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your
machine. Compress all unwanted research/class directories to
make space. Back up all your pictures.

10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work. Realize you need references.
Realize its too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling
of having wasted the day.

10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to
turn in early and come back very early tomorrow morning. Decide
to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.

11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on
the scoreboard. Realize that your office mate is still at number
6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.

12:20 Play until you beat your office mate into the 7th place. A sense
of achievement!! Yes, today was not wasted!! Return home to find
your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him
about the "hard working grad student day you had." Discuss
philosophy with roommate

1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others.
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee Smile (Comp Sci joke)

Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese
cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold"
to defrost the windshields faster.

1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded
of the "too much milk problem"

2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and
go to sleep.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Funny Awesome Images