Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Marcus staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle
in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Marcus sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting
a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Marcus woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Marcus said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass
at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic ;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Graham had been in Police work for 35 years ...
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the isolated Kimberley, as far from humanity as possible to live on his own.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Graham, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you..'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'
'Not a problem' says Graham 'I love a booze up occasionally, I can drink with the best of 'em. '
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too.'
'Well, I get along with people.' said Graham ' I'll be alright! ' ' I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More 'n' likely be some wild s3x, too.'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Graham, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there . By the way, what should I wear? '
'Don't much matter.
Just gonna be the two of us.'
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his
ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head,
and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What
happened?" the leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer replied.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?" asked the leprechaun.
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want
anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize." And with that, the
golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something
for him. I'll give him the three things I would want: a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me
that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answered. "I'm an internationally famous
golfer now." He added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?" the little guy asked.
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer stated. "When I need cash, I just reach
in my pocket and pull out $100 notes I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" asked the leprechaun.
The golfer blushed, turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly,
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around, then whispered, "Once,
sometimes twice a week."
"What?!" exclaimed the Leprechaun in shock and disbelief. "That's all?! Only
once or twice a week?!"
"Well," replied the golfer, "I believe that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish."
Monday, September 21, 2009
Note: This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's Ronnie Barker could say all this without a ~censored~, though God knows after how many takes.
The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much
for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Simpson was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Simpson down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Simpson came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Simpson was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Simpson brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Simpson got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns? Little Simpson looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Simpson looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
look down on us, your blessed and humble expat wives, traveling
this earth to lands unknown.
We beseech You, Oh Lord,
to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost or
pillaged and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.
Give us Divine Guidance
in our selection of houses, cooks, maids, drivers and gardeners.
We pray that the telephone works, the roof doesn't leak, the power
cuts are few, and the rats and cockroaches fewer.
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from weevils.
Save us this day and our daily dread - of traffic jams.
Lord, please lead us to good, inexpensive restaurants where wine is
included in the meal - not dysentery.
Have mercy on us, Lord, if it be the latter.
Make us fleet on foot to make it on time, and strong in the knee in
case we have to squat.
Give us wisdom
to tip in currencies not yet understood, and help the natives love
us Lord, for what we are, and not for what we appear to be worth.
Grant us the strength to smile at our maids over shrunken laundry
and broken treasures remembering our own mistakes in menial
Give us Divine patience when we again explain OUR way of doing things.
keep our husbands from comparing us to the foreign women, save them
from making fools of themselves in night clubs, and please, Lord,
do not forgive them their trespasses, for they know exactly what
Forgive our expensive treats at Duty Free, for our flesh is weak.
Dear God, protect us from bargains we do not need or cannot afford.
And lastly, Lord,
when our expat years are over, grant us the favor of finding
friends who will look at our photographs and listen to our stories
so that our lives as Expat Wives will not have been in vain.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Have low waist jeans ? ... be careful about it.. Look below
Monday, September 14, 2009
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them.
Friday, September 11, 2009
1- Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
6- When you are right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. [Hilarious Quotes] from my small nephew..
8- If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
9 - A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Some more funny quotes and funny sayings is linked here..
UNIX is simple. But it just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.
Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it;
It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.
-Steve McConnell Code Complete
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in.
You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic;
You cannot have both at the same time.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.
-Alan J. Perlis
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development
The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the
Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs.
The Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots.
So far the Universe is winning.
Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.
Programmers combine Theory and Practice: Nothing works and they don't
The Six Phases of a Project:
* Search for the Guilty
* Punishment of the Innocent
* Praise for non-participants
No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it
in front of a live audience,
The probability of a flawless presentation is
Inversely proportional to the number of people watching,
Raised to the power of the amount of money involved.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss
"What is the meaning of appraisal?"
Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee : " Yes, I do. "
Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "
In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !
During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.
There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.
Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do.When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking joint! When a lizard was left a little past, looked up and said: "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" Koala said: "Smoking a joint, and have come up some." So little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a time a little lizard says his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink of water from the river. Lizard little was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over a little lizard and helped him in the arm. Then he asked the little lizard, "What is the matter with you?"
Lizard explained little crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got very stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink ..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the Koala was sitting finishing a joint. Crocodile looked and said:
'Hey you! "
So koala looked down at him and said: 'dude Shiit!!... How much water did you drink? "
Saturday, September 5, 2009
A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
In pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
Away by now."
DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
On the place you were stung."
MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was
Sitting under a tree"
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
Part of your body did that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
Stung me on my finger and it really hurts"
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
MAN (innocently ): "How may I to know? All bees looks Same to me."
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A woman sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,
Bar, when the door opened, and the most beautiful piece of the man she had never seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not watch.
The man noticed that he was under scrutiny and women with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Flushing, ready to apologize for watching, but he leaned over and whispered in her ear.
"I will do everything he whispered deep, soft voice." Everything, absolutely everything, everything, everything that you ever fancy, for fifty dollars. There is only one condition ... "
Trembling with expectations, the woman asked his state. The man says: "You must tell me what you want me to three words.
The women looked at his hypnotic eyes, considering a proposal, then reached into the bag and took out fifty dollars. She wrote her address on a napkin, folded around her money, and pressed his hand in anticipation. She leaned over and whispered in his ear ...