Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Signs you're all grown-up now

-- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

-- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

-- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

-- You watch the Weather Channel.

-- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

-- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

-- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

-- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

-- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

-- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

-- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

-- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

-- Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.

-- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

-- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

-- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

-- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

-- You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life.

Sleeping Dog

Sleeping Dog

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."

House cleaning hints

--Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

-- Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

-- General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

-- Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Why dogs hate Halloween




Now, we know why dogs hate Halloween so much. Happy Holloween..














Saturday, October 24, 2009

New business meeting email

Sunday, October 18, 2009

What makes 100 percent in life

Ever wonder about all those people who say they are giving more than 100 percent of themselves?

How about achieving 103 percent?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 ...

then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 98 percent (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11)
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 96 percent (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5)

but....

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 100 percent (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5)
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 103 percent (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20)

And look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 118 percent (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7)

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, a little bullshit and some ass kissing will put you over the top.

Ways to annoy telemarketers

Reply to all their questions in song.

As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking relentlessly.

Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.

Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.

Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.

Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.

Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender later tell them they were wrong.

Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat some more.

Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!"

Burst into tears, put the phone down and, "Honey, Don't leave me!"

Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.

When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it occasionally.

In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"

Begin snoring.

Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."

Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"

Start reading them some of your poetry. Then ask if they'd like to buy a book of it.

Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.

Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of their living room.

Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with tails.

Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they are clearly older than you.)

If they say you won something, just say "Thank you, I'm in a hurry right now and cant talk so just send the check"

Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.

Ask them if they will get you a birthday present.

Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five. If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Rabbit and the teacher

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I f**king have 1 at home!!!

A good fishing story

Dave and his buddies were hanging out discussing an upcoming fishing
trip. Unfortunately he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave!!! He was already sitting at the
Campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and
camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to", Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'." When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'
"So I did it and here I am!"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Diary of an AOL user

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Buy fat laptop

Now, its time for people to buy fat laptops

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Pope vs chinese

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the
Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big
uproar from the Chinese community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate
with a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the
Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So
they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent
them. Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the
debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "Neither
side would be allowed to talk". The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah
Peh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope
waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh
pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh
pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too
good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope
asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent
the holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was
all around us."
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that
God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves
all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the
original sin. He had an answer for everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah
Peh.

"What happened?" they asked.
Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all
Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him
f*#k off and not one of us is leaving."

"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of
Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and

I took out mine!!!"

Friday, October 9, 2009

What are these, Dad ?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the

Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factually replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.''Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,

'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,

'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.''WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied

Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.........

Hilarious stuff posted by people

Girl 1: "I just want to let him know I really like him, you know?"
Girl 2: "Well say something like nice to him...like 'I want to feel you in between my thighs' or something."
Girl 1: "Hmmm..."


I walked by a really big guy on a bike the other day. He yelled, "GET OUT OF THE WAY." He was on an exercise bike at the gym.


Girlfriend: "what would you like *wink"
Boyfriend: "Babe, the sexiest thing you could do for me right now is learn to play World of War craft"


My best friends roommates msn status was "My room mate is gone now and I am naked in my living room I feel like a rebel, and kind of cold."



My friend just told me "I rarely wash my hands in public bathrooms because I know the taps are way more dirty than my pen|s."


Today in gym class the teacher yelled "OK everybody, grab your balls!"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Graduate Student Checklist

6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed.

6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out
for the next 6 weeks.

6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.

7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't
hit the snooze button -- you turned it off.

7:01 Fall asleep again.

7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.

7:45 Get ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early
brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign office mate arrived
earlier today must have got more work done.

8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he
is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the
draft due this afternoon.

8:15 Read electronic mail.

8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions
about the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much
work to do today.

9:00 For jump-start: go to Pepsi machine.

9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company
and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.

9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to
your work.

9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself
about your office mate.

9:43 Curse your office mate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
Feel good about him not grasping English well.

9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way
around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)

10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing Tetris last
night.

10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:43 Edit .plan file. Write a shell program to edit .plan more
easily.

10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't
need & and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your
project.

11:05 Perverted daydreams.

11:11 Read electronic news. Midmorning yawn time.

11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend
you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.

11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all
the garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type
more than 256 characters per half minute.

11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department.

11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation.

11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
presentation.

11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost.

11:51 Completely forget about suing the coffee machine company.

12:15 pm Hunger pangs:

12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola
from your desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
bulk cola.

1:00 Group Meeting with advisor.
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness. Resentment towards foreign
office mate for sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your
advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature
survey.

1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections.

1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!

1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
graduation possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities/
and the rest of your life.

1:52:53 Thank him.

1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.

1:53:00 Splitting headache #1.

1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy
to do that.

2:06 More generic cola.

2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonight. Sad

2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through.

2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this
degree program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are
so pretty.

2:48 More perverted daydreams. Close the office door and open a
few .gif files. Sharpen pencil.

3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter -- NOT!
no time for that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you
have any money. Fear of losing aid next fall. Read latex
manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format.

3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight. Vow to
watch only 2 TV programs

4:58 Notice Advisor leave.

4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.

9:00 Come into the office.

9:01 The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the

office late at night to "get the work done."

9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack
those ftp sites since network won't be loaded. Run into "since
network won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your
machine. Compress all unwanted research/class directories to
make space. Back up all your pictures.

10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work. Realize you need references.
Realize its too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling
of having wasted the day.

10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to
turn in early and come back very early tomorrow morning. Decide
to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.

11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on
the scoreboard. Realize that your office mate is still at number
6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.

12:20 Play until you beat your office mate into the 7th place. A sense
of achievement!! Yes, today was not wasted!! Return home to find
your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him
about the "hard working grad student day you had." Discuss
philosophy with roommate

1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others.
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee Smile (Comp Sci joke)

Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese
cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold"
to defrost the windshields faster.

1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded
of the "too much milk problem"

2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and
go to sleep.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Funny Awesome Images





The Economy is so bad

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad
, I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad D1ck Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Now, the economy is not so bad as it was. We can see the economy is doing good recovery. There is no need to worry about bad economy

Monday, October 5, 2009

Jim Carrey Fat In Mankini

Jim Carrey is fat and now he is behaving like Borat dressing in mankini (bikini is for women, mankini is for Jim Carrey Jim Carrey is really a weird guy likes to do bizarre things.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Mobile Love

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN : " How much ? "

WOMAN : " £90,000 "

MAN: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the options!"

WOMAN: "Thank you honey" Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer."

WOMAN: "They're asking £950,000."

MAN: " Go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £50,000 because it's really what you want."
WOMAN : "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then turns and asks: "Anyone know who’s this phone belongs to?"

Email Mistake

A man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the piece of paper on which he had written her e-mail address,
he did his best to type it from his memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter,
and his Email was send to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.
Very Happy


Thanks.

Some Wacky Quotes

Some Wacky Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's
there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan

It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know
where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Best Top T-Shirt Quotes

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

Don’t be old until you have lived!