Saturday, April 30, 2011

Use more soap and Phone Bill

Chinese Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!

USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"


Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and

the man of the house called a family meeting.

On a Saturday morning after breakfast...

Father:
People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mother:
Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son:
Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid:
So!! - what is the problem??? We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Friday, April 29, 2011

A Guy thing

It's a guy thing.
- There is no reason or logic, and do not feel like trying to reach no.

"Aha", "Sure, honey" or "Yes, dear."
- I am subject to an agreement, but that does not mean I'm listening.

"That's interesting, dear."
- I know you're still talking.

"Honey, do not need material things to prove our love. "
- I forgot our anniversary again.

"You know how bad my memory is. "
- I remember the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've had, but I forgot your birthday.

"Hey, I have my reasons for what I'm doing."
- It's a guy thing. (see above)

"What have I done now?"
- I hope you have not been checking my email.

"I heard you."
- I hear words coming out of his mouth, and now you can stop talking.

"No need to read the instructions."
- It's my right to do this my way and screw it on my own

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Colonoscopy

One fine day all the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge of the body.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,

Brain had a terrible headache,

stomach was bloated,

legs got wobbly,

eyes got watery,

and blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a s s whole is the one in charge.


Brief overview of Colonoscopy

Monday, April 25, 2011

Making a baby

The Crawfords were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Crawford kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Crawford cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Crawford.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Crawford quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Crawford exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Crawford.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Crawford, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Crawford leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Crawford fainted



Dear readers, do make your babies in time :) A photographer might knock on your door :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Sex Change Operation

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Garry replied, "That's me before the sex change operation."

Thursday, April 21, 2011

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New Ambulance in Service

This is a New Ambulance that has been seen around Los Angeles recently, this is the state of the art ambulance under the new Obama Care system.

new ambulance






Please mind this blog is related to humor and do not take it seriously ;)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Chinese Doctor-The Kind Lawyer

A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So, he went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor examines his private part and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. Otherwise, it will spread and become worse."

The businessman was shocked. The last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.

Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult traditional Chinese medicine. They might have some surprises"

So, the Chinese doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said, "We don't have to cut. I'll give you herbs to rub."

The rich man was so happy, "Wow no operation, you are better than western medicine. I'm amazed, So what is the exact secret?"

The Chinese doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."


The Kind Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his Limousine car when he saw two men along roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you",the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The age gap

At 80 years of age, Jason married Lucy, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lucy decides that after their wedding she and Jason should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lucy prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Jason, her 80 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Jason takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lucy hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Jason, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Lucy consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Jason kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Jason Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Jason gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Jason.'

Jason, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lucy and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS.. Have I sent this to you already??

Monday, April 11, 2011

Always ask never assume

His request approved, the CNN News photographer

quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport

to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting

for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming

up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door

shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind

and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the

pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low

passes so I can take pictures of the fires

on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' ,

he responded, 'and I need to get

some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,

is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor...?'

An old Fox news joke

Friday, April 8, 2011

Services Available

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of Las Vegas’s most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $1800.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $1800.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $1800.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced, "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Liverpool, Glasgow and Dublin performing here, the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only $500.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $1300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with senior citizens!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

9 facts hidden from us

1)90% of people in Kenya don't drink milk


2)Cobra snake's vision is up to 1km


3)A man can touch sun if his body is completely surrounded by Mercury


4)No twins have been born till now in Greenland


5) Rein deers doesn't have a liver


6)
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All the above details are false.

7)Thanks for believing for a while...

8)Today is not April 1st.

9)But a fool is a fool on any date....