Friday, October 12, 2012

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Tips to survive in a Scary Movie


If the room has blood, chains and tools in it, for heavens sake - don't walk into it.

if you hear a not investigate

if the lights go not go try and fix the fuse

do not leave your curtains open

Never walk backwards
Don' t ever, ever have sex

A world where all white women are extinct is scary enough

Don't be a virgin
Don't be drunk
oh, and don't be a black guy.
Don't go downstairs
Don't run through the woods
Don't go back to help someone who falls
Don't go in the basement or attic

Don't go to sleep

Don't watch the tv (especially if a little girl is crawling out of a well)

Don't open any boxes or closet doors

Don't look out the window

woods, avoid them
also, farms

also avoid:
old camp grounds
country houses away from civilization

If something scary is happening, for god's sake GET THE FORK OUT OF THERE! Don't just stand there looking at it! 

Avoid waiting 28 weeks.

Avoid Freddy (hence never fall asleep).

Don't go swimming in the water.

Don't answer the door late at night.

Never, ever go investigate a strange noise.

Don't summon the dead.

Don't go swimming at night.

Don't flash your lights at cars driving at night with their lights off.

Don't show a weird video tape with a loved one.

Don't hide under a bed.

Don't be blonde beautiful and a cheerleader-

Don't be a night watchman in a morgue, doll factory or any human science lab-

Don't even be vaguely humourful, funny people always end up dead near the end-

Don't have sex, discuss sex or try to encourage anyone else to have sex-

Don't go back to save a friend, you will only get your other friends killed-

Don't go into the disused mental hospital for a dare-

Don't try to flirt with a woman on a boat that's been adrift for over 40yrs. unless she came on your boat with you-

Don't adopt weird little Orphans that can play the Piano and paint like Monet-
Don't go into the bathroom and lock the door! 

Don't drive alone at night (and if you do, always check the back seat before you get in the car!!)

Don't answer the phone over and over again if the first message is "have you checked the children."

Don't fall asleep EVER....

Don't say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror.

Don't celebrate Halloween.

Don't remember what you did last summer ;p

Don't videotape the paranormal.

Don't go on a witch hunt.

Never look under the bed

Never look behind the shower curtain

Never go anywhere without a cell phone a gun and some duck tape.

Don't count on the police or any form of law enforcement to save you

Don't walk around in a parking garage by yourself.

Don't touch the leprechaun's pot of gold.

Don't say the name CandyMan 5x while in the bathroom in front of the mirror with the lights off. 

A comet falls outta the sky and land/crashes close to you. Don't walk up on it and poke it with a stick.

Don't bury you loved ones in an old Indian burial ground.

When it gets around the anniversary time of when the killings happen, GTFO of dodge.
Stay as far away from the intended target as possible.
If you do go somewhere make sure there is good reception (for cell phone usage).
Travel in groups, as your friend Billy with the limp will increase your chance of survival

Become the hunter. Turning the tables on the monster, psycho or supernatural force will take them off guard, giving you the advantage. Remember, they don't expect you to fight back!

Conquer any fear of heights. As you may need to climb some 30 feet or so up a ladder to get to safety.

When going camping or visiting a tourist attraction, LISTEN to the crazy old man or lady telling stories of legend about a crazed killer with a hook for a hand. Because it's probably true.

Avoid guys with leather masks & chainsaws in Texas 

If you're drinking by yourself, get rid of the bottle. I watched that shitty Sorority Row movie and this chick laid down on the couch and as she took a sip, the killer punched that bottle down her throat. The alcohol proceeded to drain down her throat. It was one of those hell long bottles too. It was brutal and bad arss. 

Don't hang out with white high school or college kids. Do this, and you won't have to give a damn about these other rules, because you won't be the one getting chased by some dude that know what you did last summer.

If the killer has a mask you find funny, even though he has a weapon in his hand, don't poke at him and give him shit. He's gonna give you plenty of shit in a few seconds.

If you are told about some urban legend like Candyman, believe in it and do nothing past that.

1 Comment:

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