Thursday, January 24, 2013

Funny Geek quotes sayings phrases


For all the geeks out there, do you know someone who tried to teach themselves how to read Barcode? Here is a list of Funny Geek quotes, sayings and phrases. Some of them are from Boardofwisdom who put together a nice compilation themselves.

1. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF. All my base Are belong to you — someone on SlashDot

2. There is no place like 127.0.0.1

3. Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken

4. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning

5. Computers are incredibly fast, accurate, and stupid; humans are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant; together they are powerful beyond imagination. — Albert Einstein

6. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

7. If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

8. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

9. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly

10. I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code

11. My Software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

12. The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

13. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.

14. Passwords are like underwear. You should not leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you should not loan them out to strangers

15. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

16. A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?

17. I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident. I was thinking “What the hell is this guy doing?”

18. Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button.

19. Alert! User Error. Please replace user and press any key to continue

20. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. — Weinberg’s Second Law

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Funny Math Pickup Lines


Can i explore your mean value?

Since distance equals velocity x time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

i = Ø when i am not with you

My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function

You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations.

What's your favorite linear transformation?

Your beauty defies real and complex analysis.

I wish i were a derivative so i could lie tangent to your curves.

I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

Come on baby, let's off to a decimal place i know of and i'll take you to the limit.

Let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge

Let me integrate our curves so that i can increase our volume

If i were a function you would be my asymptote - i always tend towards you.

Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.

My love is like an exponential curve. it's unbounded

My love for you is like a fractal - it goes on forever.

My love for you is like the derivative of a concave up function because it is always increasing. we're going to assume this concave up function resembles x^2 so that slopes is actually increasing.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Funny Nasty Sayings









Did you say something or has just simmering water your head?

You have legs like a deer:

Not as thin, but so hairy!

Your mother has only brought it to the world,
so the dog has something to play!

Has anyone ever told you that you look GOOD?
Then lied to you but clean!

You are more fluid than water you're useless!

Go, hide it! Tomorrow is bulky waste!

You probably have one at birth and raised three times
caught only twice ...

Did you get a picture of you?
I'll hang it on the basement door,
see also the rats so that it
and not go into the basement!

I live with many disappointments
but you must also sleep with your ...

Hey, the people at the zoo have so called flat!
Them the thing with the banana sorry they want
you back!

Believe me, no one is perfect!
DU and even more so not!

Imagination is also an education ...

How tall are you?
1.80?
I did not know,
that you can stack shit so high!

When you came into this world your father has determined
shot the stork!

He: Never listen to me someone ...
Psychiatrist: What did they say?


I am sorry for my little bad english, i hope you enjoyed funny nasty sayings on this humor blog..

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Short funny quotes


Short funny quotes for amusement and facebook status update, enjoy more on itshumour.blogspot.com

Many accidents occur in the home in the kitchen; Unfortunately, most of them come down on the table.

Character is only stubbornness, long live the gypsy.

One should not praise the mustard in a tube.

What is the gardener crocus, the plumber locus.

Students go to the cafeteria so long, until it breaks.

All that is fun is either immoral,prohibited by law or make you fat.

The first thing you lose on a slimming diet is a good mood.

The best thing about winter is that it is too cold to all to catch up the work, you are left in the summer because it was too hot.

A man with a large bank account can not be ugly.

Anyway, it's better to be a little square to be nothing than a round.

"Life is a lot like a roll of toilet paper: the closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes."

I was a beautiful baby, but then you have me mixed up in the hospital.

If I had not been born then I would have to play anyone at all.

When others think you are at the end, we must first start properly.

Youth is granted to us in order to repent of age.

You get old, to begin when people say that you look young.

The best reformers the world has ever seen are those who commence on themselves.


Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. - Irish Proverb

If no fools in the world would be, what would be the world? - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The head is round so that thoughts can change direction. - Francis Picabia

Humor is one of the best pieces of clothing that you can wear in society. - Shakespeare

Men are men in whom puberty and midlife crisis smoothly across. - Anke Engelke

Bart, you can even just hold the steering wheel? I have to scratch myself in two places! Homer Simpson
Aspirin did not do it, so I brought you some cigarettes. - Homer Simpson

The more often a stupidity is repeated, the more it gets the appearance of wisdom. - Voltaire

Marriage is the only lifelong conviction, when one can be pardoned because of poor leadership. - Alfred Hitchcock
We all live under the same sky, but we do not all have the same horizon.-  Konrad Hermann Joseph Adenauer

Natural mind can replace almost every level of education, but no formation of the natural mind. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Serenity and the senility prayer


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Retirement Bonus


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Very true

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.Sometime 15%

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:NUTS!So true

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all
week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.



Monday, January 7, 2013

Types of Women in IT classes


If you divide women in IT classes, there would be the following versions available:

The Internet-wife:
You have to pay in order to gain access to her.

The server-woman:
She is always busy when you need her.

The Windows-wife:
You know that she has a lot of mistakes, but you can not live without it.

The PowerPoint woman:
It is ideal to present them to the people celebrating.

Excel's wife:
They could say much, but you use it only for the usual 4
Basic functions.

The Word-wife:
She surprises you again and again and there is no one in the world, that she really understands.

The DOS-wife:
All they had, but no one wants now.

The back-up woman:
You think they would have everything, but when it comes down to you, you notice that there is something missing.

The Scan Disk woman:
We know that they do good, and that she only wants to help, but in the
Basically, no one knows what they really can, and if we are honest
Annoys YOU!

The screen-saver-wife:
She is really good for anything, but you like to look at them.

The Hard Disk woman:
She remembers everything, any time of day.

The e-mail woman:
Of the ten things she says, 9 are absolute nonsense.

The virus-wife:
When you least expect it, it installs in your
Apartment, taking them over. When you try to uninstall you will miss a lot of things, if you do not
do, you lose everything.

some more short funny jokes here

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Knock Knock Jokes


"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Stu!"
"Stu- who?"
"Stupid villains lose every time!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Robin!"
"Robin-who?"
"Someone is ROBIN the bank!"
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Just leave me alone!------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Howie!"
"Howie-who?"
"Howie gonna pop that zit?"

------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!" 

"Who's there?"
"Walter!"
"Walter-who?"
"Walter you gonna do about that zit?"
------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Dewey!"
"Dewey-who?"
"Dewey have to keep telling these Knock Knock jokes????"
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ach
Ach who?
God Bless You!
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
A little boy
A little boy who?
A little boy who can't reach the doorbell.
------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hoo
Hoo Who?
Hey! Stop acting like an Owl!
------------------------------------------------------

How to fish

Mike sees Jake standing beside a lake with a mirror in his hand.

Mike: What are you doing?

Jake: I'm fishing.

Mike: With a mirror?

Jake: That's right. It's a new technique I discovered. I'm gonna make so much money with this.

Mike: Can you let me in on this technique of yours?

Jake: Sure, if you pay me 100 bucks.

Mike pays Jake.

Jake: Ok, here's the deal. You hold this mirror so that it faces the water. If you see a fish, scare it with the reflection off the mirror. Once it faints you just scoop it out of the water.

Mike: What a load of bull crap. You won't get any fish that way! How many did you catch?

Jake: You're the fifth one today.


After the shower

After the wife finished taking a shower, the husband is about to take a shower when the door bell rings.

After arguing for a while about who's going to answer the door, the wife yields. She wraps herself in a towel and goes to answer the door.

When she opens the door, she sees their neighbour Bob.

Before she manages to say anything, Bob tells her, "I'll give you 800 bucks if you take that towel off."

The wife thinks for a while, then she takes off her towel and stands in front of Bob fully naked. A moment later Bob pays up and leaves.

The wife, feeling confused and lucky at the same time, puts on her towel and goes upstairs.

When she returns to the bathroom, the husband asks, "Who was that at the door?"

She answered, "Oh, it's Bob next door."

To which the husband replies, "Oh good, did he return the 800 bucks that he owes me?"