Its All Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' -------------------------------------------------------- Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'We ll that'...

Marcus staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Marcus sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Marcus woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Marcu...

Google suggestions seems to be racist, is it ?

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic ; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you mak...

Graham had been in Police work for 35 years ... Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the isolated Kimberley, as far from humanity as possible to live on his own. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says Graham, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you..' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking' 'Not a problem' says Graham 'I love a booze up occasionally, I can drink with the best of 'em. ' Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fig...

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer replied. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" asked the leprechaun. "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize." And with that, the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want: a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by and the...

Note: This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's Ronnie Barker could say all this without a ~censored~, though God knows after how many takes. The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read....... Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She ...

MICROSOFT AND YAHOO Rake The Leaves, Son Can’t Catch a Break The Dark Side of Google Chrome COLOR FAA Communication Flop Should You Buy a Smartphone or Gas? Cell Phone Ban Like cartoons?....

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.... Little Simpson was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors , mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Simpson down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Simpson came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Simpson was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Fi...

Heavenly Father, look down on us, your blessed and humble expat wives, traveling this earth to lands unknown. We beseech You, Oh Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost or pillaged and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed. Give us Divine Guidance in our selection of houses, cooks, maids, drivers and gardeners. We pray that the telephone works, the roof doesn't leak, the power cuts are few, and the rats and cockroaches fewer. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from weevils. Save us this day and our daily dread - of traffic jams. Lord, please lead us to good, inexpensive restaurants where wine is included in the meal - not dysentery. Have mercy on us, Lord, if it be the latter. Make us fleet on foot to make it on time, and strong in the knee in case we have to squat. Give us wisdom to tip in currencies not yet understood, and help the natives love us Lord, for what we are, and not for what we appear to be worth. Grant us the strength to smile at ...

Have low waist jeans ? ... be careful about it.. Look below ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back ...

Here are top 10 hilarious quotes .. Do let me know your thoughts by posting your valuable comments: 1- Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. 2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side. 4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. 5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 6- When you are right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets. 7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. [Hilarious Quotes] from my small nephew.. 8- If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. 9 - A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. 10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Some more funny quotes and funny sayings is li...

UNIX is simple. But it just needs a genius to understand its simplicity . -Dennis Ritchie Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable. -Ralph Johnson Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. -Fred Brooks It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free. -Steve McConnell Code Complete The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -Bertrand Russell If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Edsger Dijkstra You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic; You cannot have both at the same time. -Bertrand Meyer There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works. -Alan J. Perlis Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight. -Bill Gat...

A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss "What is the meaning of appraisal ?" Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? " Trainee : " Yes, I do. " Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation . " Appraisal Resignation In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures. In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success. During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike. In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike ! During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching ...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking joint! When a lizard was left a little past, looked up and said: "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" Koala said: "Smoking a joint, and have come up some." So little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a time a little lizard says his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink of water from the river. Lizard little was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into river. A crocodile saw this and swam over a little lizard and helped him in the arm. Then he asked the little lizard, "What is the matter with you?" Lizard explained little crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got very stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink .. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the Koala was sitting finishing a joint. Crocodile looked and said: ...

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming In pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a Bee." DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it." MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles Away by now." DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream On the place you were stung." MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was Sitting under a tree" DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which Part of your body did that bee sting." MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee Stung me on my finger and it really hurts" DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?" MAN (innocently ): "How may I to know? All bees looks Same to me."

A woman sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, Bar, when the door opened, and the most beautiful piece of the man she had never seen entered. He was tall, muscular, handsome , with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not watch. The man noticed that he was under scrutiny and women with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Flushing, ready to apologize for watching, but he leaned over and whispered in her ear. "I will do everything he whispered deep, soft voice." Everything, absolutely everything, everything, everything that you ever fancy, for fifty dollars. There is only one condition ... " Trembling with expectations, the woman asked his state. The man says: "You must tell me what you want me to three words. The women looked at his hypnotic eyes, considering a proposal, then reached into the bag and took out fifty dollars. She wrote her address on a napkin, ...