Its All Humor

-- You keep more food than beer in the fridge. -- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. -- You hear your favorite song on an elevator. -- You watch the Weather Channel. -- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. -- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. -- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." -- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. -- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. -- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. -- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. -- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. -- Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one. -- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." -- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. -- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. -- You drink at home to save money before going...

Sleeping Dog One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."

--Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone. -- Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.) -- Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.) -- Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the...

Now, we know why dogs hate Halloween so much. Happy Holloween..

Ever wonder about all those people who say they are giving more than 100 percent of themselves? How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 ... then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 98 percent (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11) and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 96 percent (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5) but.... A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 100 percent (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5) B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 103 percent (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20) And look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 118 percent (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7) So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, a little bullshit and some ass kissing will put you over the top.

Reply to all their questions in song. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking relentlessly. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender later tell them they were wrong. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat some more. Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!" Burst into tears, put the phone down and, "Honey, Don't leave me!" Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it occasionally. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme song...

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Sir Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven!!! Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!? Johnny: Because I f**king have 1 at home!!!

Dave and his buddies were hanging out discussing an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave!!! He was already sitting at the Campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to", Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'." When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you c...

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then ...

Now, its time for people to buy fat laptops

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave. The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them. Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "Neither side would be allowed to talk". The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple. The ...

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factually replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.''WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.........

Girl 1: "I just want to let him know I really like him, you know?" Girl 2: "Well say something like nice to him...like 'I want to feel you in between my thighs' or something." Girl 1: "Hmmm..." I walked by a really big guy on a bike the other day. He yelled, "GET OUT OF THE WAY." He was on an exercise bike at the gym. Girlfriend: "what would you like *wink" Boyfriend: "Babe, the sexiest thing you could do for me right now is learn to play World of War craft" My best friends roommates msn status was "My room mate is gone now and I am naked in my living room I feel like a rebel, and kind of cold." My friend just told me "I rarely wash my hands in public bathrooms because I know the taps are way more dirty than my pen|s." Today in gym class the teacher yelled "OK everybody, grab your balls!"

6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed. 6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks. 6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep. 7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button -- you turned it off. 7:01 Fall asleep again. 7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again. 7:45 Get ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria). 8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign office mate arrived earlier today must have got more work done. 8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon. 8:15 Read electronic mail. 8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today. 9:00 For jump-start: go to Pepsi machine. 9:05 Kick Pepsi m...

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. The economy is so bad , I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf. The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. The economy is so bad McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce. The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children names. The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. The economy is so bad D1ck Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges. The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congr...

Jim Carrey is fat and now he is behaving like Borat dressing in mankini (bikini is for women, mankini is for Jim Carrey Jim Carrey is really a weird guy likes to do bizarre things.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN : " How much ? " WOMAN : " £90,000 " MAN: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the options!" WOMAN: "Thank you honey" Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer." WOMAN: "They're asking £950,000." MAN: " Go ahead...

A man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the piece of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it from his memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his Email was send to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. Very Happy Thanks.

Some Wacky Quotes Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you meet a beautiful girl . - Uzair Sait The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? - Jean Cocturan It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. - Darrin Weinberg Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers. It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving. Whoever said money can't buy happi...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue. The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk. Love is grand. Divorce...