Friday, July 31, 2009

Teacher Pwned By Students

CLASS TIME

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson.
Students: Good morning, teacher.

Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night?

Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher!

Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.

Students: Best regards teacher!

Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today I'm going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand?

Students: Understood teacher!

Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!

Students: (silence)

Teacher : Clever!

Students: Stupid!

Teacher : High!

Students: Low!

Teacher : Popular!

Students: Calafare!

Teacher : Wrong!

Students: Correct!

Teacher : Stupid!

Students: Clever!

Teacher : No!

Students: Yes!

Teacher : Oh God!

Students: Oh Slave!

Teacher : Listen to this!

Students: Listen to that!

Teacher : Quiet!

Students: Noisy!

Teacher : That's not a question, stupid!

Students: This is an answer, clever!

Teacher : I'm dead!

Students: We're alive!

Teacher : I'm lazy to teach!

Students: We are hardworking to learn!

Teacher : Enough! Enough!

Students: More! More!

Teacher : Stop! Stop!

Students: Start! Start!

Teacher : Why are you people so stupid?!

Students: Because I am someone clever!

Teacher : Lack manners!

Students: Taught enough!

Teacher : O.K. Lesson has ended!

Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!

Teacher : Enough, stupid!

Students: More, clever!

Teacher : Stand up!

Students: Sit down!

Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!

Students: We said POPULAR was correct!

Teacher : You people are dumb!

Students: We are gifted!

Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!

Students: Released tonight!

Teacher kept quiet, gathered her books and went out.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

At a Doctor's Clinic

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tyres.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angry so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Fishing Story

Nick and his buddies were hanging out discussing an upcoming fishing
trip. Unfortunately he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Nick headed home frustrated.

The following week when Nick's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Nick!!! He was already sitting at the
Campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and
camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your misses into letting you go Nick?"

"I didn't have to", Nick replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'." When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'
"So I did it and here I am!"

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Tongue Twisters

1.If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4.A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

5 .Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

10.She sells sea shells on the sea shore , but the sea shells that she sells, on the sea shore are not the real ones

11.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

15.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.....

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Funny KFC Bones Art

When you are bored staying at KFC, you can do funny bone arts and logos like in the pictures below..






Funny Nursery Rhymes: Remixed

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dummy!'

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating a plate of stew
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
So she ate that up, too
[Update from Mark]

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Five Classic Microsoft Windows Funny Pranks

Some good ones to play on friends or create havoc for enemies.

Warning: Your friends may become enemies after pulling some of these on them!

1. The Restart Remap

We start with one sure to throw off even the most advanced Windows user. Setup is simple and you need only a few seconds alone on someone's computer. When you get a chance, sneak over and right-click your pal’s icon to Internet Explorer or some other commonly used program. Edit the properties and change the target to: "%windir%\system32\shutdown.exe -r -t 00". Now, every time your buddy tries to run IE, his machine will mysteriously restart — and your laughter will instantly result.

2. Startup Folder Fun

While we're on the topic of system startup, the Windows Startup folder is a fantastic place for fun. Create a text file with an amusing message and throw it in there so your cubicle mate will get a daily greeting — or, if you really want to get evil, add in the restart shortcut from above (not recommended unless you just want to get your ass kicked).

3. Disappearing Desktop


A classic computer prank never goes out of style. The desktop image trick has been around for a bit, but rest assured: There are plenty of unsuspecting victims still to be found. Just head over to an unattended computer, minimize all the windows, and hit the Print Screen key. Paste the captured image into any graphic editing program — even Microsoft Paint will do — then save the file and set it as the desktop background. Then, all you have to do is hide the actual icons on the desktop — put them in a folder somewhere — and your victim will try endlessly to click the nonexistent icons, which are actually just part of the background image. For another variation, leave one program open when you capture the screen and watch as the person tries to click on it, type in it, and close it to no avail.

4. Auto-Insult


There are few things funnier than forcing a friend to insult himself — and Microsoft has made it easy to do just that. Take a moment to edit the Auto correct feature in your colleague's MS Word or Outlook (it's in the Tools menu in both programs). Add a new entry to replace their name with "~censored~," and watch how much more interesting all their emails and documents will suddenly become. A little creativity can take this one in plenty of different and equally entertaining directions.

5. Serious Business

While you're in the MS Word or Outlook settings, another good place to tamper is the dictionary. Replace a few correct words with common misspellings just for giggles. Just be sure to let this one play out and get resolved before your co-worker sends any official memos to the entire corporation.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sandra, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sandra answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

Sandra, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is quite a poker player!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Mens Rules

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.

NOW, HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM.
SEE A DOCTOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA 'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THEM MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, THEN WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR . PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE, BESIDES WE KNOW YOU WILL BRING IT UP AGAIN LATER.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION,
OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Family Problem Joke

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to
get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once."

We call this arranged marriage.

I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, talking about love marriages... well…I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father
became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and
so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son.

Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson…..

And you are saying that you have family problems……..Oh.. Come on…..!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Woman's Week at the Gym

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Chris was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Chris put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Chris told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Chris wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

Disorder in American Courts

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS; Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marria ge terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Monday, July 6, 2009

9 things women like to say.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.




(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.




(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you sho uld be on your toes. Arguments that begin with noth ing usually end
in fine.




(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!




(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about
nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)




(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.




(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at
all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').




( Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU!




(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3. ** Send this to the men you know, to
warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Letter to God for return of dead celebrities

Dear Baby jesus,
How are you? I am fine. My name is Mike and i am 7 years old and i would like to make you a deal for a trade. Last week you made Ed Mc Man die. He was the best comid sideKicK ever. I think you should give him back, and then we can give you Andy Milonak is instead. He has a weird disease anyway, so the people will be none the Wiser. Think about it. You have my email.

Mike

P.S.- Seriously, Think about it.



Dear God,
My daddy was rely bad when he found out that Fara Fobet was died. He has a big picture of her nex to the potty. She made my pee pee tickel. Can you please bring her back ad take that old yellow hair man Brigitte Nelson instead ? He is already sick. My daddy say he got a fever from the jungle

By
Charlie



Dear Jesus,
Hi, its me. Nathan. Sorry this is my moms paper. Lets get down to business: You made Michael Jackson die. I was gonna do one of his dances in the talent show. and now everybody is gonna do Michale Jackson dances because he died. so thanks a lot for that.
Lucky for you, there is a way you can fix this. Give back Michael Jackson and have Lil Wayne die instead, because Chris Nelson is doing a Lil Wayne song for the talent show and I hate that kid because of that one tie when he kicked me inthe balls in P.E right in front of Sandra Reynolds.

Anyway, give back Michael Jackson and either take Lil wayne or Chrisl Nelson himself.

Nate

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Prince And Cinderella [funny]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited.

Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon.

The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the ring aside, "What time do you have to be home?"


"About half past two," she replied.