Sunday, January 31, 2010

Top 11 USA today cartoons

Collection of top 11 cartoons published on USA today.










Friday, January 29, 2010

Top 24 Hilarious Newspaper Headlines

These are 24 hilarious newspaper headlines from 1999 (you should read them carefully) !


1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Peacans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me.. One for
you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of
the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of
the kid on the bike. :D :D :D

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Rejected Hallmark cards quotes

Here are some of the hilarious rejected hallmark cards quotes which were not printed on hallmark cards.

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep.

13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking?

14. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

Story of mistaken identity

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it. Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of Brisbane Business men, who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into Banksia Beach to pick up a few things at IGA supermarket .
A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.
She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, But they wanted her anyway.
The fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted. :D

Monday, January 18, 2010

Wife's Lover

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

Elephant and bananas

Can you Answer at least one of the following Questions??? Try before scrolling down.......
Q: An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why ?

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Ans: Because the bananas are made of plastic.
Next.Question is ...........
The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?
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Because the elephant is made of plastic.
Hahahaa. never give up. one more..


Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.
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Why ?
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Because the bananas are in the TV.
Ooops!!! Cool down.

Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?

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Because they are on different channels.
Hohohohoohohoh...... hehehe


Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
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Cmon think ..
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Because the TV is off.
Kikikikikiki

Now Finally the Elephant gets a chance to eat the bananas. Why?

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why the hell do u think so much...let that poor animal have some food....and you get back to your work.
he he he he.............

God has a sense of humor..

God was in the process of creating the universe.
And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.....

And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...
So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked...
"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"

God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA",
My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:
"But god you said everything should be in balance."

God replied -- "Look at the neighbours I gave them."

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Hilarious Dj and contestant conversation

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see
why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and
hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM
morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random
yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the
Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had
sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clockthis morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever
have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying
with us for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the
time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
number and call her up.


You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
tones..ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of
hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you
know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are
one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you
ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was
going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney
Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic
collisions

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Dentist

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a needle with numbing medicine to give the man.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles!' the patient said.

So the dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!'

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.


'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Vi@gr@ tablet.'


The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Vi@gr@ worked as a pain killer!'


'It doesn't,' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull out your tooth.'

Friday, January 15, 2010

Most painful date ever

Garry had been asking the hottest girl in town for a date. One day she finally agreed to go out with him. Gaz took Jenny to a nice restaurant and bought her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulled over to a nice lookout. They started kissing and he was getting pretty excited. He reached under her skirt, but Jenny stopped him, saying that she's a virgin and wanted to stay that way.

"Well, okay," Garry said. "How about a blowjob?" But Jenny screamed, "Yuck, I'm not putting that thing in my mouth"

"Well then, how about a hand job?" garry asked. Jenny told him, "I've never done that. What do I have to do?"

"Well remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" Garry explained. Jenny nodded. "Well, it's just like that."

Then Garry pulled out his old fella and she grabbed hold of it and started shaking. A few seconds later, Garry’s head flopped back on the headrest, his eyes closed, snot started to run out of his nose, wax blew out of his ear and he screamed out in pain.

"What's wrong?" Jenny asked.

"Take your thumb off the end!"

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Important facts about your farts

Some Important facts about your farts
Like - the speed of the fart
- Top 10 farters in animal kingdom
- Chemical composition of fart
- Farty foods which will make you fart
- The picture below will explain more.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The World's shortest books

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods
______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
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MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
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THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ...
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
________________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
____________________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
__________________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Laugh by Minka Kelly

A famous cardiologist died, and everyone was gathered at his funeral. His coffin was displayed in front of a huge model heart. When the minister finished his sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?" The mourner said, "Well, I was just thinking about my own funeral." The man asked, "Well, what's so funny about that?" And the mourner said, "I'm a gynecologist."



Originally published in the November 2006 issue

About the jokester: In the world of fledgling celebrities, there are relative unknowns and there are known-only-by-relatives. Twenty-six-year-old Minka Kelly falls into the second camp -- for now. A quick Google search produces exactly one fan site, run by her uncle. She recently got recognized in the grocery store, but, according to the Hollywood-born, Albuquerque-raised actress, "that was kind of a cheat because he was an extra on my pilot." Her pilot is Friday Night Lights, the NBC football drama on which she plays Lyla Garrity, the starting quarterback's doe-eyed cheerleader girlfriend. So if High School Extra #3 is still thinking about how Kelly looks shaking her pom-poms while he's in the cereal aisle, we think it's only a matter of time before others follow suit. Lights director Peter Berg is certainly a fan: He's since cast Kelly in his upcoming Middle Eastern thriller, The Kingdom, alongside Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner. Come this time next year, her uncle should have some serious competition.

Driving school test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Mind your language

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Adam, who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true."

John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
John was ecstatic.

Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer".

The last of them was Adam. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,


"Sh!t !!!!!!!........."

Mind your language... Mr. Green
You never know what it will "land" you in... Very Happy

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Anonymous quickie messages

Once I started receiving a set of highly interesting Anonymous Quickie Messages on a beautiful December evening, I welcome U all to the series of SMS messages that I shared with my Anonymous messenger ...!!!


Anonymous: Hi Bobby.... Hwz U?Smile

Me:- Hi I m 5ne. May I kno Who dis is …?

Anonymous:- I m 1 f ur well wishers Dear. Hv Been Watching u 4 quite sumtime …..

Me: Hmmm ... Interesting .. Neva Knew I hav fans in this college. Which branch?

Anonymous: I m into Civil Engg branch yar…U r so handsome..Bobby!!

Me: Hey sweety .. tell me who u r….!!! don xcite me nymore..)

Anonymous: No Yar.. nother time..nt nw. i ll feel Mbarassed…!! Bt I heard that u flunked the series test…?

Me: SurprisedH Dat's Usual NAA? Neva Bothers till It happens in University Xams . Marks ld be send home yar…

Anonymous: Oh That's Bad Naa? U manage wid all these things back Home…?

Me:-Its so Easy Yar. Just Tell Dad that Evrythin is k.. He is damn Busy wid work n Moms Scoldings.

Leave all that yar.. Just tell me Who dis well wisher of mine is…..Eager to Meet U dear.. PLSSSS

Anonymous: No J I really feel shameful yar…!! I ll tell u later… Not Nw.. Pls

Me:-No Sweet Heart .. I wanna kno… Pls……..yar … Treat AT Uncles Right Nw.. Pls

Anonymous: Oh … a TREAT? I really don want to to tell my name but still …..No yar .. later plss

Me: Oh u R drivin me Crazy… Pls…. One show at Ragam Theatre … Please…. Tell ur divine name …!!

Anonymous :yar please… hmmm.. ok… sure that U do all thos u promised?

Me: Promise….1000 times

Anonymous: MY name is Er. Varghese Thopil Cheriyan. Had done engg. At ur college some 25 yrs back.

Me:What….?D…. D..DA…. DAD…..!! Is That U?

Anonymous: Yes... My Little Idiot.. N this is my New Number. And Now get back to studies instead of Hunting Girls … My little dumbo…!!!U think u are smart? Think Again dear. Ur Dad was smarter than u at college. Pass the retest atleast .. n submit ur assignments at rite time. That's what I used To do…!!!

Me: (Sheep-faced) Sorry DAD… i ll surely clear it next time. Dad U r a Master at the art of SMS-ing. Lucky that Mobiles were not invented when u were in college.

Anonymous: Y so?

Me: coz Mom wouldn't have had any other Job other than Replying to ur shots…hihiihihi…. Thanks DAD for the chat…. Promise U … I ll clear it next time ..!!!

Anonymous: Ho ho … hi hi… Don worry my boy ... I know U ll do it …. Just Keep Trying… I meant .. Studies….N for Gods SAKE save my No. So that U dont get caught Red Handed Next Time.... !!! Take Care Dear Son

Me: -Love U DAD… u TOO tc.

Zombie apocalypse man

A - My dopey friend at school recons that a zombie Apocalypse man will NEVER EVER HAPPEN. Well saying that, Swine flu just recently hit Mexico being a combination of the three flu's, Whats to say in the future Rabies wont mix with Jakob's Disease or something?

B - I like the debate of HOW the zombie Apocalypse man would start, I personally think it would be a virus like rabies which would spread, Which seems to be the centerpiece of many many zombie films

C - Just to have a fun time Very Happy

Just say something like

" Yes

Because i think it will start like _______ and _____ and bla bla bla _"

I'll keep a tally of the people who Agree it'll happen sometime ( In our lifetime or in the future ) and the people who think it'll never happen.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Transformative effects of Marriage

Three women: one engaged, one a mistress and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....



The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'


The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'



The married one then said: 'Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, plopped his fat as$ on the couch and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'