Its All Humor

CLASS TIME The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson. Students: Good morning, teacher. Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night? Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher! Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times. Students: Best regards teacher! Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today I'm going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand? Students: Understood teacher! Teacher

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back" The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting d

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tyres. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angry so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Nick and his buddies were hanging out discussing an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Nick headed home frustrated. The following week when Nick's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Nick!!! He was already sitting at the Campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your misses into letting you go Nick?" "I didn't have to", Nick replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'." When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can

1.If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand! 2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish. 3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds. 4.A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea. 5 .Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People 6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch? 7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much. 8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a

When you are bored staying at KFC, you can do funny bone arts and logos like in the pictures below..

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two chunks of bread. Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon 'Pies you dummy!' Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse And turned its wool to nylon. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Eating a plate of stew Along came a spider And sat down beside her So she ate that up, too [Update from Mark]

Some good ones to play on friends or create havoc for enemies. Warning: Your friends may become enemies after pulling some of these on them! 1. The Restart Remap We start with one sure to throw off even the most advanced Windows user. Setup is simple and you need only a few seconds alone on someone's computer. When you get a chance, sneak over and right-click your pal’s icon to Internet Explorer or some other commonly used program. Edit the properties and change the target to: "%windir%\system32\shutdown.exe -r -t 00". Now, every time your buddy tries to run IE, his machine will mysteriously restart — and your laughter will instantly result. 2. Startup Folder Fun While we're on the topic of system startup, the Windows Startup folder is a fantastic place for fun. Create a text file with an amusing message and throw it in there so your cubicle mate will get a daily greeting — or, if you really want to get evil, add in the restart shortcut from above (not recommended unl

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sandra, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.) WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES" FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW, HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. 1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN. 1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE. 1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT. AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY. 1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL. 1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT! 1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION. 1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOL

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, talking about love marriages... well…I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. U

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. ________________________________ MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS; Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn&#

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you sho uld be on your toes. Arguments that begin with noth ing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay fo

Dear Baby jesus, How are you? I am fine. My name is Mike and i am 7 years old and i would like to make you a deal for a trade. Last week you made Ed Mc Man die. He was the best comid sideKicK ever. I think you should give him back, and then we can give you Andy Milonak is instead. He has a weird disease anyway, so the people will be none the Wiser. Think about it. You have my email. Mike P.S.- Seriously, Think about it. Dear God, My daddy was rely bad when he found out that Fara Fobet was died. He has a big picture of her nex to the potty. She made my pee pee tickel. Can you please bring her back ad take that old yellow hair man Brigitte Nelson instead ? He is already sick. My daddy say he got a fever from the jungle By Charlie Dear Jesus, Hi, its me. Nathan. Sorry this is my moms paper. Lets get down to business: You made Michael Jackson die. I was gonna do one of his dances in the talent show. and now everybody is gonna do Michale Jackson dances because he died. so thanks a lot f

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her. "Why are you so sad, Cinderella?" "Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball." "You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you." "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed. "There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon". Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she