Its All Humor

Collection of top 11 cartoons published on USA today.

These are 24 hilarious newspaper headlines from 1999 (you should read them carefully) ! 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 16. War Dims Hope for Peace 17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 22. Kid

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me.. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowl

Here are some of the hilarious rejected hallmark cards quotes which were not printed on hallmark cards . 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind. 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you. 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. D

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it. Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of Brisbane Business men, who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into Banksia Beach to pick up a few things at IGA supermarket . A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.' Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the f

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in

Can you Answer at least one of the following Questions??? Try before scrolling down....... Q: An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ans: Because the bananas are made of plastic. Next.Question is ........... The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Because the elephant is made of plastic. Hahahaa. never give up. one more.. Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it. . . . . . . Why ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Because the bananas are in the TV. Ooops!!! Cool down. Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why? . . . . . . . . , , , , , , , , . . . . . . Because they are on different channels. Hohohohoohohoh...... hehehe Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension..... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes. And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance. One of the angels asked... "God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?" God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA", My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly People. Sparkling streams and serene mountains. A culture wh

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?' Contestant: (laug

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle with numbing medicine to give the man. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles!' the patient said. So the dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!' The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.' The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Vi@gr@ tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Vi@gr@ worked as a pain killer!' 'It doesn't,' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.'

Garry had been asking the hottest girl in town for a date. One day she finally agreed to go out with him. Gaz took Jenny to a nice restaurant and bought her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulled over to a nice lookout. They started kissing and he was getting pretty excited. He reached under her skirt, but Jenny stopped him, saying that she's a virgin and wanted to stay that way. "Well, okay," Garry said. "How about a blowjob?" But Jenny screamed, "Yuck, I'm not putting that thing in my mouth" "Well then, how about a hand job?" garry asked. Jenny told him, "I've never done that. What do I have to do?" "Well remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" Garry explained. Jenny nodded. "Well, it's just like that." Then Garry pulled out his old fella and she grabbed hold of it and started shaking. A few seconds later, Garry’s h

Some Important facts about your farts Like - the speed of the fart - Top 10 farters in animal kingdom - Chemical composition of fart - Farty foods which will make you fart - The picture below will explain more.

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama ____________________________________________ OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING by Tiger Woods ______________________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton _______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton ________________________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton ___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian _______________________________

A famous cardiologist died, and everyone was gathered at his funeral. His coffin was displayed in front of a huge model heart. When the minister finished his sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?" The mourner said, "Well, I was just thinking about my own funeral." The man asked, "Well, what's so funny about that?" And the mourner said, "I'm a gynecologist." Originally published in the November 2006 issue About the jokester: In the world of fledgling celebrities, there are relative unknowns and there are known-only-by-relatives. Twenty-six-year-old Minka Kelly falls into the second camp -- for now. A quick Google search produces exactly one fan site, run by her uncle. She recently got recognized in the grocery store, but, according to the Hollywood-born, A

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving ? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully ? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute. Q: What is the

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Adam, who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true." John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. John was ecstatic. Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer". The last of them was Adam. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "Sh!t !!!!!!!........." Mind your language... You never know what it will "land" you in...

Once I started receiving a set of highly interesting Anonymous Quickie Messages on a beautiful December evening, I welcome U all to the series of SMS messages that I shared with my Anonymous messenger ...!!! Anonymous : Hi Bobby.... Hwz U?Smile Me:- Hi I m 5ne. May I kno Who dis is …? Anonymous :- I m 1 f ur well wishers Dear. Hv Been Watching u 4 quite sumtime ….. Me: Hmmm ... Interesting .. Neva Knew I hav fans in this college. Which branch? Anonymous : I m into Civil Engg branch yar…U r so handsome..Bobby!! Me: Hey sweety .. tell me who u r….!!! don xcite me nymore..) Anonymous : No Yar.. nother time..nt nw. i ll feel Mbarassed…!! Bt I heard that u flunked the series test…? Me: SurprisedH Dat's Usual NAA? Neva Bothers till It happens in University Xams . Marks ld be send home yar… Anonymous : Oh That's Bad Naa? U manage wid all these things back Home…? Me:-Its so Easy Yar. Just Tell Dad that Evrythin is k.. He is damn Busy wid work n Moms Scoldings. Leave all that yar.. Ju

A - My dopey friend at school recons that a zombie Apocalypse man will NEVER EVER HAPPEN. Well saying that, Swine flu just recently hit Mexico being a combination of the three flu's, Whats to say in the future Rabies wont mix with Jakob's Disease or something? B - I like the debate of HOW the zombie Apocalypse ma n would start, I personally think it would be a virus like rabies which would spread, Which seems to be the centerpiece of many many zombie films C - Just to have a fun time Very Happy Just say something like " Yes Because i think it will start like _______ and _____ and bla bla bla _" I'll keep a tally of the people who Agree it'll happen sometime ( In our lifetime or in the future ) and the people who think it'll never happen.

Three women: one engaged, one a mistress and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice , mega stilettos , mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a b