Its All Humor

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a st...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?" God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift, liposuction,& tummy tuck.She even changed her hair color! Finally she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home... she was killed by a truck. Arriving in front of God, she asked,"You said I had another 34 years to live. Why didn’t you save me from the truck?" ... ...... ... ...... ... God replied: "I couldn’t recognize you!"

You will surely enjoy this funny letter to NASA which is written by a man with very good hilarious sense of humor.. Funny letter to NASA

There are few Common Things Between Frog And Watermelons such as

Well, Christmas is on the way ... Sharing with you some Christmas Santa Avatar or Pictures ... I hope these high quality pictures will make your Christmas celebration more delightful .. We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2014

Enjoy the video, Epic Hunting Fail We wish you a Merry Christmas......

I am sure you will enjoy Their Funny Facial Expressions on the funny picture below

Picture speaks itself, lol and know how men and women react over things differently. The comic picture below is from "Friends" Tv Series...

Mr. Gordon Ramsay is a great and well known chef for his outstanding culinary skills ... He gave us some reason to lol ...

No wonder girls got easy trick to get anything .. ;)

Superman's facial recognition scan, attack him when he least expects it...

Funny Gym Advertisement

Hurricanes are named after females because at first they are wet and wild and in the end they take away your house and car....

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom  door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from  within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter  giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked,  she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"  The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,  unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever  get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone."  The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz  coming from the other side of the closed bedroom  door. Upon entering the room,he observed his  daughter making passionate love to her vibrator .  The daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,  unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever  get to a husband.!! Please, go away and leave me alone."  A couple days later, the wife came home from a  shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen...

If HAN died in Tokyo drift, That means fast and furious 4 and 5 was before Tokyo drift ???

A funny gag on the advancement of technologies "Life is too short for the wrong job" ... Just for your humor .. ;)

After watching Ebay auctions that were selling Forex related materials for years, I thought I would start postings that were made by sellers. To start off here: The Canadian Clown has been selling his trading system from March 2008 (5 years now) and has yet to sell one. Problem is that he is selling it for $784,349.00, but the catch is that he's not giving a guarantee. I'm guessing that this guy stuck his tongue to a frozen metal flag pole for 2 years before anyone helped free him. Note to the Canadian Clown, no one is going to pay $784,349.00 for a trading system that has no guarantee. Now, if it worked and you sold it for $99, you would have sold thousands by now. I guess math is not his strong subject. How about the Russian Con Artist that was selling his trading system for $5,000. His claim was that he made 182 trades in one hour and all were profitable. I contacted the seller and asked for a statement. I then received a statement showing all 182 trades that was...

Best famous quotes- some of em are funny and some not funny The person who reads too much and uses his brain too little will fall into lazy habits of thinking. —Albert Einstein The Gun Does Not Ask Questions, It Answers Them — Unknown Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. —André Gide It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. —Aristotle I’d rather live with a good question than a bad answer. —Aryeh Frimer We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong. —Bill Vaughan I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. —Blaise Pascal Don’t ever wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it. —Cale Yarborough An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn’t take his education too seriously. —Charles F. Kettering Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels abo...

Time to chill with funny random cute quotes ... To be free means to choose, whose slave you want to be. - Jeanne Moreau In the city one lives for his amusement, in the country for the entertainment of others. -Wilde Let's "Shut your mouth!" Play, you may begin. - unknown author To wearing heavy makeup and too little for the women always a sign of desperation. - Wilde No one is as good or as bad as it's made ??during his divorce. - Disenberg JJ I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. -Woody Allen Love at first sight: The most common eye disease. - Gino Cervi Calories are tiny animals who sew the clothes overnight close. - unknown author The cleverer give in - a sad truth: they founded the world domination of the stupid. - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach For entertainment, a party bears no one in as much as those who are not there. - Audrey Hepburn Two things are infinite: the universe and hu...

There was this robbery in Cape Town, South Africa, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you". Everyone inside the bank laid down quietly without any confrontation to the robbers. This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking". ------------------------------------------------- One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!" This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!" ------------------------------------------------- When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!...

Time for Iron Man 3 quotes , some of emmm are really hilarious and funny , after all Tony Stark has funny sense of humor, i'm still waiting for the movie at local cinema .... The Mandarin: Ladies, children, sheep... Some people call me a terrorist. I consider myself a teacher. Lesson number one: Heroes, there is no such thing. Tony Stark: I have a lot of apologies to make... Nothing's been the same since New York. You experience things, and then they're over. I can't sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. Honestly, there's a hundred people who want to kill me. I hope I can protect the one thing I can't live without... Tony Stark: I have a lot of apologies to make... I'm so sorry for putting you in harm's way... I'm going to find out who did this... The Mandarin: You'll never see me coming... Tony Stark: I'm Tony Stark. I build neat stuff, got a great girl, occasionally save the world. So why can't I sleep? Tony Stark: ...

It happened at a New York Airport . This is hilarious and funny . I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I ...

Well on the eve of Easter and April Fools day, you want to make your man or woman happy right ? Following are the tips on making it happen. Happy Easter and April Fools Day from http://itshumour.blogspot.com HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (sms messages) 5. Don't bother him with his movements So whats so hard about that ? HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intell...

Women's logic are sometimes funny for men and others.. ;)

Untested - defect No idea if it works - The part is total scrap Only worn once seemed hard to believe - I can not really see the part Is too big for me - Had to finally sort out grandmas old things Is too small for me - Over the years, one grows out of everything Rar - Is not it in the mom-and-pop store Collectible - Messie I collect everything See Figure (1) Either you see the same flaws or you've just been unlucky - (2) Today I my lazy day, but has nevertheless times Floor Fund - (1) taken for little money at the last garage sale - (2) Does not by me, the thing that I'm clean I know it is not - know me too well so from Used - Can you offer just barely Ebay charges I assume - but is purely calculated in the cost of packaging Buyer pays postage - at least! Retail price was 100 euros - Got it for 50 but by Grabbeltisch If I fell down during packing - Went off to me but cheap I've Packed it two weeks ago - Should it go gradually but once the post...

Confession of a elementary school teacher in Germany, some are really funny and hilarious ... I am a teacher of elementary school ... sometimes it can be very hard. Here are some examples of student essays that I've collected over the last 2 years: -The train stopped with a screech of brakes and the passengers evacuated on the platform. - "Last week, we took a field trip to Castle Wolfenstein, the class teacher, Miss Mueller joined us at this old ruin we saw the old chipped front and rear walls ... the loopholes.." By-state rooms, the Knights also had heated woman. -Everyone listened, as Luther in 1642 his 95 prostheses knocked at the Castle Church in Wittenberg. Caesar made ​​the stock fully and everyone stood at attention in his pile. Graf Zeppelin was the first to set sail in different directions. -The pasture is located high in the mountains. There is the shepherd, and the dairymaid. In the spring becomes distended, abortion in the fall. -Our school used ...

Thirty funny reasons why it's wonderful to be a man ... 1. Phone calls only last 30 seconds. 2. For 5-day vacations you need only ONE suitcase. 3. You do not treat the sex life of your friends. 4. The queues at the toilet are 80% shorter. 5. Old friends, it does not matter whether you have increased or decreased. 6. If you are zapping through TV channels, you need not stop when you see someone crying. 7. Your org-as-ms are not faked. 8. You do not need you to hold the rock, if you go up a flight of stairs. 9. You do not go in groups to the toilet. 10. You can shower in the morning and be ready in 10 minutes. 11. During s-e-x, you must not be worried about your reputation. 12. Your underwear costs $ 20 in packs of three. 13. It makes anyone a thing when you're 34 and not married yet. 14. You can 90% of your time after getting in sex thinking. 15. You have three pairs of shoes which is more than enough. 16. You can take off your shirt easy if you...

Sometimes Googling yourself could be a funny way to lol . Here i found a funny picture on internet about googling yourself. Characters involved in the funny photo are Jack and Tracy, Tinay Fey and Tracy Morgan who are very hilarious

Al Bundy's quotes/quotations about women and sex, some of em are very funny and hilarious. Some are really hard ones, ladies please don't mind... Its just for humor. Women, you can not live WITH them ... End. Bed them, but do not wed them. Six dollars is too much dough, to waste on a woman. Only widowers have angels as women. Sex gets better every time ... as long as it is not always with the same woman. That's no lady. That's my wife! Wife standing near, soon comes a tear. Women, what are they good for? 2 C's: cooking and kitchen. The women need us as much as we need them. And why? We can get it to them. Her mother and she can not imagine a battery. As long as I do not pay for it, to me nothing is too good for my wife. Women have it like to be staring at her like a piece of beef. I HAVE to sleep after sex does not sleep ... I WILL! I long for the darkness. Ah! The home shopping channel! Man! That's a good idea for women. It was alway...

Once a baby Girl went to a shop with her mother. The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed her a bottle with sweets... And said, "Dear Child, you can take the sweets". But the child didn't take. The shopkeeper was surprised Such a small child she is and why is she not taking the sweets from the bottle. Again he said take the sweets. Now the mother also heard that and said, "Take the sweets dear". Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets. He himself took the sweets and gave to the child. The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets. While returning home the Mother asked the child Why didn't you take the sweets, when the shop keeper told you to take..? Can you guess the response:  :  :  :  :  :  Child replies Mom! My hands are very small and if I take the sweets I can only take few.. But now you see when uncle gave with his big hands, How many more s...

For all the geeks out there, do you know someone who tried to teach themselves how to read Barcode? Here is a list of Funny Geek quotes, sayings and phrases . Some of them are from Boardofwisdom who put together a nice compilation themselves. 1. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF. All my base Are belong to you — someone on SlashDot 2. There is no place like 127.0.0.1 3. Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken 4. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning 5. Computers are incredibly fast, accurate, and stupid; humans are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant; together they are powerful beyond imagination. — Albert Einstein 6. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t. 7. If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0 ...

Can i explore your mean value? Since distance equals velocity x time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. i = Ø when i am not with you My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations. What's your favorite linear transformation? Your beauty defies real and complex analysis. I wish i were a derivative so i could lie tangent to your curves. I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity. Come on baby, let's off to a decimal place i know of and i'll take you to the limit. Let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge Let me integrate our curves so that i can increase our volume If i were a function you would be my asymptote - i always tend towards you. Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors. My love is like an exponential curve. it's unbounded My love for you i...

Did you say something or has just simmering water your head? You have legs like a deer: Not as thin, but so hairy! Your mother has only brought it to the world, so the dog has something to play! Has anyone ever told you that you look GOOD? Then lied to you but clean! You are more fluid than water you're useless! Go, hide it! Tomorrow is bulky waste! You probably have one at birth and raised three times caught only twice ... Did you get a picture of you? I'll hang it on the basement door, see also the rats so that it and not go into the basement! I live with many disappointments but you must also sleep with your ... Hey, the people at the zoo have so called flat! Them the thing with the banana sorry they want you back! Believe me, no one is perfect! DU and even more so not! Imagination is also an education ... How tall are you? 1.80? I did not know, that you can stack shit so high! When you came into this world your fat...

Short funny quotes for amusement and facebook status update, enjoy more on itshumour.blogspot.com Many accidents occur in the home in the kitchen; Unfortunately, most of them come down on the table. Character is only stubbornness, long live the gypsy. One should not praise the mustard in a tube. What is the gardener crocus, the plumber locus. Students go to the cafeteria so long, until it breaks. All that is fun is either immoral,prohibited by law or make you fat. The first thing you lose on a slimming diet is a good mood. The best thing about winter is that it is too cold to all to catch up the work, you are left in the summer because it was too hot. A man with a large bank account can not be ugly. Anyway, it's better to be a little square to be nothing than a round. "Life is a lot like a roll of toilet paper: the closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes." I was a beautiful baby, but then you have me mixed up in the hospital. If I had n...

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm ...

Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Very true Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.Sometime 15% Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question:Why do retirees count pennies? Answer:They are the only ones who have the time. Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer:NUTS!So true Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retire...

If you divide women in IT classes, there would be the following versions available: The Internet-wife: You have to pay in order to gain access to her. The server-woman: She is always busy when you need her. The Windows-wife: You know that she has a lot of mistakes, but you can not live without it. The PowerPoint woman: It is ideal to present them to the people celebrating. Excel's wife: They could say much, but you use it only for the usual 4 Basic functions. The Word-wife: She surprises you again and again and there is no one in the world, that she really understands. The DOS-wife: All they had, but no one wants now. The back-up woman: You think they would have everything, but when it comes down to you, you notice that there is something missing. The Scan Disk woman: We know that they do good, and that she only wants to help, but in the Basically, no one knows what they really can, and if we are honest Annoys YOU! The screen-saver-wife: She is re...

"Knock-Knock!" "Who's there?" "Stu!" "Stu- who?" "Stupid villains lose every time!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Knock-Knock!" "Who's there?" "Robin!" "Robin-who?" "Someone is ROBIN the bank!" ------------------------------------------------------ Knock Knock Who's there? Knock Knock Who's there?? Knock Knock Who's there?? Just leave me alone!------------------------------------------------------ "Knock-Knock!" "Who's there?" "Howie!" "Howie-who?" "Howie gonna pop that zit?" ------------------------------------------------------ "Knock-Knock!"  "Who's there?" "Walter!" "Walter-who?" "Walter you gonna do about that zit?" ------------------------------------------------------ "Knock-K...